10 Reasons Why Fanboys (and Girls) Jizz Over Apple Products

It doesn’t really matter that Apple’s latest happy fun toy innovation has a critical design flaw—not to iPhone 4 owners. That’s because Apple fanboys and fangirls have an unconditional love affair with all things Mac and i that spring from the loins of Steve Jobs. But why the digital hard-on for Apple? What have they got that no other company can offer? We’ve got ten guesses that might make the Mac-heads climax.

10. Nice Packaging and Appleholic Foreplay

Those who haven’t had the good fortune to take an Apple product home with them don’t know the joy of undressing a MacBook Pro or wrapping their fingers around the sleek, hard case of an iPod Touch. For whatever features go into the gadget itself, Apple puts just as much thought into dolling it up into sexy package design. From the moment they lay eyes on their prizes, Apple lovers feel special. Opening it all up is just Appleholic foreplay.

9. It’s Not a Brand, it’s a BFF

There’s just something about that little once-bitten-apple logo that makes people feel like they’ve been handed the forbidden fruit by someone who wants to join them for some naughty time. They don’t look at Apple as a company. Apple is a not-so-secret admirer, a gracious soul-mate who simply can’t wait to bestow another gift of technological temptation . . . for a few hundred (or thousand) bucks. And the fanboys and girls can’t wait to take a bite.

8. Nobody talks on an iPhone

So the antenna gets blocked by anyone with hands. So AT&T offers as much coverage as a see-through thong. For iPhone users, that’s not a bad thing, it’s a great thing! Apple stacked the iPhone with so much potential for apps, music, and independent film production, old-fashioned phone calls would just get in the way. Making it nearly impossible to carry on a conversation with the thing has given iPhonatics a built-in excuse for hanging up.

7. It’s all about i

There was a time when Apple would have outsiders believe the i in iMac, iTunes, and iPod stood for “Internet,” but we all know it’s a load of iCrap. With the i prefix, Apple embellished the logical fallacy that their devices and software were extensions of the user’s identity. It isn’t my computer, it’s iComputer. Not mine—me. I don’t own my iPhone, I am my iPhone. And I love me. Don’t we all?

6. They make it look easy

Apple creates the illusion of work and fun living harmoniously in the palm of your hand, but productivity is nothing but a mirage in Apple’s desert of time wasting. Admit it, people, you aren’t getting anything done on your phone, your computer, and definitely not your iPad. But with the obvious exception of the tablet toy, most Apple devices make you look like a high-powered important person while you play Words With Friends.

5. Size doesn’t matter

People love their iStuff because it comes in all sizes (there’s really just that one rounded-corner rectangle shape, but lots of sizes indeed). Graphic designers love the gigantic monitors. MP3 minimalists lusted after the imperceptible iPod Shuffle. The iPad is essentially an iPod Touch that got super-sized, but Mac shrunk the Mac Mini to be smaller than a boxed set of Phish bootlegs. No matter how small or grandiose your needs, Apple makes your toys sized to your pleasure. And somehow they make their diehard fans feel like smaller and bigger was exactly what they wanted.

4. Geek is Chic

Stripped down, there’s not a lot of differences between Microsoft and Apple. They’re twin brothers with different fashion sense. Both companies wield their power-hungry swords of exclusivity, promoting their own software at the expense of competitors. Neither give two craps about the open source community. Cyberbullies and hackers pick on Microsoft products, but they leave Apple alone because they think Apple can get them a date. And they’re probably right. Apple made geekdom sexy.

3. Hipster Confusion

Let’s face it, half of the people who like Macs more than PCs do so because they can’t tell Apple and GAP commercials apart. The iPhone fits perfectly in the pockets of their perfectly weathered khakis and plays all the trendy music they discovered on Apple and GAP commercials, so they never turn back.

2. Everyone else is jumping off of

The reason all of our parents asked us ridiculous hypothetical questions about universal bridge jumping is because they understood the power of peer pressure to coerce us into becoming soulless drones. Two out of every 5 iPad owners didn’t even know what line they were waiting in until they paid for their phones. They just saw a line and figured they’d join in the fun. Sometimes the popular choice is irresistible. You just have to buy the iPhone 4 so you can tweet or tell your facebook friends of your glorious new purchase without having to call anybody (not that you could if you wanted to).

1. HD Phone Sex

It’s an airtight certainty that some Apple fanboys will literally jizz over their iPhones. The TV ads might make the new Face Time app look like a real tear-jerker where parents-to-be can share the tender emotional poignancy of a sonogram appointment even when separated by thousands of miles. But come on, that’s not the kind of jerking one-touch video calling will inspire, is it? You thought it the minute you heard about this, admit it. High-def video phone you can operate with one hand? Do I really need to explain how rampantly people will use this for less than warm-and-cuddly purposes with people other than their devoted spouses?

I didn’t think so.