How to Use Facebook To Speed Up Your Divorce

Posted by By colebenjamin at 10 December, at 13 : 50 PM Print

I’d tell you a lot of people use Facebook to cheat on their spouses or significant others, but statistics say you probably know that already. You probably know because you’ve probably done it, even if you don’t think it was cheating.  I’m not here to judge anybody. Just know that if a judge does get involved because it’s time to split up, your Facebook history can and will be used against you.

Look, this isn’t a scolding or a warning or anything like that. Think of this article as a time saver. A lot of people’s actions show they want to get a divorce, and so do their words. Try doing a quick search on Facebook for the word divorce. You’ll find an overwhelming number of comments from people who can’t wait for their splits to be finalized. They might as well get it over with. These tips will help make that happen quickly (no guarantee on painlessly).

Click on each image to see a bigger version.

Hooray! My marriage is over!

Where do you get a card to congratulate someone for this?

Click the Like Button on Facebook Cheating

Real-world affairs may have a certain allure to them, but they take considerable time, money, and mutual consent—and they inevitably lead to drama, which is what you’re trying to get rid of through a divorce, right? Facebook affairs have a quick turnaround time, they don’t require you to pay for dinner or buy expensive gifts, and you can usually elicit a fairly flirtatious response from someone with no real interest in you who is only trying to be nice. Flirt publicly and flirt often, and your spouse will be joining the group, “I Think He/She is Cheating. What Do I Do?” The seed is planted (if it wasn’t already).

Friend Requests Bonanza

Michael Bolton asked the age-old question, “How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?” In this instance, the no-talent ass clown had it right. You’re best bet when starting a marriage-destroying Internet romance is to extend the eCheating candidacy search beyond your existing pool of friends. Find that ex or that high-school crush or the agent who helped you get your mortgage. More friends means more wall updates, which will draw more attention to your cheating intentions. Remember, if your spouse doesn’t notice you’re cheating, you’re just prolonging your sorry excuse for a marriage.

Never Close a Facebook Chat Window

If you’re going to flirt via chat, the drawback is that it’s private—it doesn’t have to be. Never close the chat window. You don’t have to make the chat too dirty, you just have to get personal enough to make your spouse say, “Who’s this?” when stumbling upon your “accidentally” abandoned computer (or phone). Of course, doing this will cause more observant loved ones to point out that you “wanted to get caught” and that it’s just a “cry for help.” You do want to get caught, but you don’t want anyone to think you want to work things out. The goal here is expediency, not $150 an hour in couples counseling.

He knows she's cheating, but he'll do nothing.

She'll have to try extra hard to convince this dude to leave.

Here’s a sneaky way to get caught without being too obvious. It will only work if you share a computer. Sign in to Facebook and select the option to “keep me logged in.” Then start your flirtatious chatting. Leave the chat window open and close your browser. When your spouse goes to check their facebook, the computer will be signed in to your account, and the chat window will be open. The “Aha! I caught you!” effect will be much more pronounced.

Use Terrible Alibis

Jealousy isn’t the only tool at your disposal on Facebook. It’s also a great forum for lying your ass off. Nobody, not even someone who is cheating on you as well, likes being lied to. The great thing about lying is, there doesn’t have to be any incriminating truth behind the lie. You don’t have to really cheat. Just make the concept of your fidelity completely unbelievable, and your days as a married person will be numbered.

Here’s what you do: find a friend who is on vacation. Then @-tag that person in a status update. “Hanging with @Steve.” Maybe Steve won’t check his Facebook to correct you, but someone who knows Steve will. You get a comment like, “Hey, isn’t Steve on vacation?” Then you make up a completely lame excuse about you accidentally typing the wrong name. Your spouse will see it (and the flood of comments certain to follow) and will want the truth. When you fail to come up with an acceptable explanation of the facts (because no one will believe you faked an affair because you just want a divorce), any trust that was remaining will be gone.

Remember, without trust, what do you have? Nothing but a short wait until the divorce papers are signed, that’s what.

Don't cheat on a woman when her all-caps button is pressed.

Ranting on Facebook screams a lot of things, but "Let's keep hope alive" isn't one of them.

Make Your Fights Public

Fight in the living room and you’ll both eventually cool off. Fight in the bedroom and you’ll ruin an entire night’s sleep. Fight on the front porch and the neighbors may cause you to lower your voices. Fight on Facebook, and it’s guaranteed to get just the right amount of ugly and have serious staying power.

Boy meets girl. Girl cheats on boy. Boy sees it happen. Boy rants on Facebook. Girl wants to take it private. Girl's parents no likey.

Does "liking" this make me a bad friend?

Geolcation, Geolocation, Geolocation

Unwilling to drag your vacationing friends into the lie? Technology has come to your swift and timely aid. Facebook recently launched a Foursquare-style geolocation check-in feature that makes untethered lie-manufacturing a breeze.

Step 1: post on your spouse’s wall something about having to work late.

Step 2: go check in at Hooters.

Step 3: enjoy your wings as you fly merrily on a return trip to single life.

Is it cheating to exchange dirty pictures?

Exchange pics and you might get caught. Opine about it on Facebook, and you will get caught.

Play Farmville

Yes you can meet potential flirt suitors on Farmville. And yes, if your account shows you’ve been fertilizing someone else’s crops when you were supposed to be watching the kids it can serve as damning evidence in court. And yes, if you get addicted enough you will slowly detach yourself from all meaningful human connection and cause your significant other to say something to the effect of, “I don’t even know who you are anymore. You never talk to me!” But that’s the slow play.

To get things over quick, just send your wife or husband and all of his or her friends as many Farmville invitations as you can. It will make him or her want to leave you immediately, and all their friends will wholeheartedly support it. If that doesn’t end your marriage, you should probably reconsider the divorce altogether—you have someone who will stick with you through anything.

Farmville vacation due to real-life problems.

Wait, I thought that if you played Farmville enough, your real life just goes away.

One last note to those people who still believe in marriage, love, respect, trust, and monogamy: you might want to consider keeping Facebook at arm’s length. The ways it can help you screw things up are far too plentiful.

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  1. Satire: Wanna speed up your divorce? get on facebook!!, 5 years ago Reply

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  3. EmailRevealer, 4 years ago Reply

    I see a lot of infidelity growing out of farmville.

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  5. Canada Goose Parkas, 4 years ago Reply

    on the facebook they can express what they think freely without concerning the trouble in reality.

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