Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and My Life)
Posted by By colebenjamin at 7 July, at 11 : 38 AM Print
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who want to eradicate everything associated with Twilight from the face of the earth and those responsible for polluting the public consciousness with its blood-sucking adolescent melodrama. It is pretty much the definition of the it thing, but people either love it or they hate it. There simply is no middle ground.
No matter how much you might hate it, even if you’re Kristin Stewart herself, I guarantee you don’t hate Twilight as much as I do. You don’t. And if you love it, you can’t possibly love it as much as I hate it. I know this because my wife loves Twilight as much as anyone I’ve ever met or read about, and, I swear, I loathe those stupid books 100 times more than she loves them.
That might have something to do with why the Twilight saga almost cost me my marriage . . . and my life. Read all about it after the jump.
Worst. Christmas. Ever.
On December 25, 2007, I gave my wife the weapon of my own destruction. Twilight. I hadn’t read it. I didn’t plan on reading it. I had the vague understanding that it was about a vampire in Washington who vowed never to drink blood, Suckless in Seattle. Whatever. All I really knew was that a few of the ladies in my office loved it, and they swore my wife would love it, too.
They were right, but I was wrong to take their advice. The gift was a throw-in, a stocking-stuffer, a last minute pickup from Walgreens, I kid you not. I had bought my wife a sweater, diamond earrings, slippers (which she returned), and a Dyson. I know, a vacuum cleaner is, literally, a sucky present, but she specifically asked for it and loves it to this day, which is more than she might say about me.
But the biggest reaction that Christmas morning was over Twilight. My wife isn’t much of a reader, but this turned out to be the book she had been wanting to read. I’m more of a Harry Potter fan (read: a total Potter geek), which my wife just couldn’t get into. She didn’t understand how a grown man could spend an hour or more a day discussing Horcrux theories, and she thought Twilight would be her turn to really get into something. I had my doubts, so I just bought the first book.
But my wife was really grateful. You know what kind of grateful I’m talking about, right? The “oh, yeah, you’re gonna get some . . . twice” kind of grateful. At that point, Twilight and me were all kinds of copasetic. Then she started reading.
My Wife’s Unholy Vow
Apparently, Edward doesn’t just abstain from drinking blood—he abstains from other things, too. Now, we’re coming up on the outskirts of my knowledge of Twilight. There’s Bella. There’s Edward and Jacob, and both of them have teams. None of them have sex. For three books, no sex. There’s only one other thing I know that happens in the Twilight series, and I’ll unleash that spoiler when I’m good and ready.
But back to my story. On Christmas Day, my wife dove into that book, and I couldn’t have been happier. I got an Xbox and Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. My wife didn’t tell me to stop playing the whole day. Didn’t hear two peeps from her. We were actually an hour late to her parents’ house for dinner because we both got so independently engrossed in our favorite Christmas presents. We didn’t even have time to . . . be grateful to each other.
I figured I’d enjoy a couple thank-you’s at the end of the night, which was enough to keep me going through the dry turkey and awkwardly personal conversations about when we were planning to have kids. I wanted to tell my mother-in-law I’d be working on that as soon as possible, but my wife somehow kept linking every bit of dialog back to Twilight. I probably should have been a bit more interested in that theme, but I had no idea how emotionally connected my wife had become to that story. On the drive home, I found out.
“I don’t want to have sex until Bella does.” After I managed to regain control of the car and swerve back onto the roaI asked my wife to repeat herself. Yup, sounded the same the second time. She wanted to take a vow of chastity, something along the lines of how Edward . . . I don’t know the details. I just know that she was telling me Edward and Bella weren’t doing it, and neither were we until that story arc got resolved. I was so not grateful.
The next day I bought her the second book. And the third. Just in case.
New Moon Resolution
It only took a couple of days for my wife to plow through Twilight, and a few more to make it through the next two installments. I spent most of that time getting really good at Call of Duty, which, if you haven’t tried it, can pretty much quell a man’s desire for sex for a shockingly long time; you just have to shed a lot of imaginary, wi-fi-powered, teenage blood, but it can be done.
Still, I thought it would be a good idea to find out when this vow would end, so I did some Googling. I was not happy to learn that Edward’s chastity could not be compromised through three books of Bella’s longing, nor would Bella succumb to the sexual advances of the werewolf kid. And the fourth book wasn’t even out yet. What the hell? The literary world had failed me, so my only hope was to remind my wife that neither she nor I were vampires. Or werewolves. Or single.
That conversation didn’t go well. She went on and on about me not respecting her boundaries and trying to take away her identity. She made me regret ever having her dress up as Hermione Granger. She brought that one up several times over the months that followed. If I so much as crossed second base she’d just say, “Hermione,” and turn away in a huff.
The ironic thing, though, was that she would get really turned on by these books. It was my understanding all along, and still is, that this was a romance. Call me a caveman, but I thought romance was supposed to lead to sex . . . isn’t that the point?
Apparently not. I mean, we could do stuff. Kissing was okay. Pulling each other close (there was a lot of that) and even getting a little . . . rough was okay. At one point near the end of January, it literally almost killed me.
Shattered
The teases were obscene. For the first couple weeks, it was fine, kinda hot every now and then, but by the end of January I was ready to start up a relationship with the Dyson. The worst part was that my wife was developing a kind of . . . glass fetish.
It started with throwing wine glasses into the fireplace, no big deal. After the second round of that, I realized A) she wasn’t “accidentally” pricking her fingers on the pieces, B) watching your wife lick her own blood off her fingers is not at all sexy. It was then that I decided it was a good idea never to make out near a mirror, china cabinet, or anything with glass. I only wish I had stayed away from the glass coffee table.
She says it was an accident. I had no choice to believer her—really, she made me swear I believed her before she called 911—but there seemed to be the slightest bit of sharpness in her “okay” when I said I didn’t give a shit about Edward or Jacob. Seventeen stitches, a collapsed coffee table, and a transfusion or two later, I had forgiven her. But I let her know in no uncertain terms that the Twilight-inspired make-out sessions were over.
August 2, 2008
It was the first week of February when I found out that the fourth installment would be released in August, which was fitting because every day that followed felt like Groundhog Day. I’d go to work, start rumors about the two morons who recommended Twilight, come home, and play Call of Duty. Because, seriously, my wife and I didn’t talk a whole lot during that time. She kept reading and re-reading that trilogy of terror, I kept playing the dumb video game, and we kept living our separate lives.
About a week before the release I had unlocked the 37th and final achievement badge on COD 4, and I started to allow myself the excitement of anticipating having actual two-person sex again. I happened to come across a news article about the book and a major spoiler revealed from the lips of the author herself! I use an exclamation point because of the nature of the revelation.
And here I say “SPOILER ALERT!!!” in all its all-cap glory, because I learned the very hard, hard, excruciatingly hard way that you don’t under any condition spoil a significant plot point for a Twilight fanatic. I know this because of what I did with the information I picked up from Entertainment effing Weekly.
I called my wife in the middle of the work day. A Tuesday, no less. I figured it would be a good idea to establish some kind of connection before the big day, and what better way than to show an interest in Twilight. “You’ll never guess what I found out today,” I told her.
“What’s that?”
Here I was sure that I was about to transport her into the same level of enraptured glee she felt when I first gave her that bloody book. This was going to bring me back from the island of celibacy. This was the nugget of truth that would make my wife . . . grateful.
Again, SPOILER ALERT . . . I wish I had told my wife that before blurting out, “Bella and Edward get married.”
Dead silence. It felt like five minutes of absolute silence. And then, in the weakest whimper I’ve ever heard my wife utter, “Wh . . . what?”
“Yeah, Stephenie Meyer gave an interview, and she said they definitely get . . .” but I never finished that sentence. I was interrupted by a blood-curdling scream of intermingled wrath and horror. As it turns out, my wife had instituted a total media ban to prevent being subject to even the slightest spoiler. I was the least likely person in the world to violate that ban, or so she thought. And then . . . click. She hung up.
We didn’t talk for several days. She bought the book. She read the book. I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She did, but not to me. If she had been on Team Jacob, I’m pretty confident she would have killed me. Instead she was just angry, but not violently so.
Six nights later, my wife lifted her ban of chastity. No glass was broken. I was grateful. What I didn’t appreciate (and still don’t) was that, whether out of spite or out of fantasy, my wife didn’t thank me during grateful time. Oh no, she called out to Edward. Still does.
I hate you, Twilight. With every ounce of loathing I can summon, I hate you to death.
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Rebecca Reece, 1 month ago
Nice! I love this! ~RR
adultos, 1 month ago
surprisingly funny article – the glass makeout session is about the time you should have left!
lia, 1 month ago
hell yeah!
jessica, 2 days ago
Wow your an amazing man sounds like you really respect your vows. Your also sooo awesome to care that your wife and your relationship is going down hill!!! She is lucky and I bet she is going to feel really really dumb someday. Just wanted you to know I, a complete stranger, am very proud of you.
Sincerely,
A truly middle of the road don’t personally give a damn either way but its good enough to watch twice & read once twilight person
Tweets that mention Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and my life) | It Thing! -- Topsy.com, 1 month ago
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Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife - Movies Fizz, 1 month ago
[...] There are two kinds of people in this world: those who want to eradicate everything associated with Twilight from the face of the earth and those responsible for polluting the public consciousness with its blood-sucking adolescent melodrama. Read ahead [...]
fake name, 1 month ago
Please tell me this is a joke. If my wife did this, I think I’d kill myself.
donna fugett, 1 month ago
This woman is clearly a mental case. I like twilight ok enough, but serious, no sex until bella and edward do? REALLY? I mean come on! THEY ARE FICTIONAL PEOPLE. Nothing in this book is even slightly real. And she’s mental about it? Or just mental. I feel sorry for the dude.
Cat, 1 month ago
Give me an EFFING BREAK!! This chick is MENTAL!!! Yes I love the series, yes I talk about it, but to actually live my life around it? NOT! It’s FICTION. It’s a great story! That’s it! Both of you need psychiatric help ASAP!
X, 1 month ago
Pray tell us, why both?
You’ll say, because he stayed with her.
I’ll say, love is insane by nature.
It will be a great exchange.
lame, 1 month ago
Bah you probably didnt even read the books/seen the movie, and saw the hate going on on the internet, and like all the other wankers you jumped the wagon and made up a lame story.
All of you wouldnt know what todo with your time if they had not made twilight.. You would have nothing to troll about, and would still be saying omg photoshopped or gay as your only comments, now piss off and find some movie you like and talk about that.. And no i dont like twilight much, but its just a book/movie.. Your the ones carrying on about it.. FAGS!
chris, 1 month ago
i actually know several women who did this. my wife, a couple of her friends, my sister, some of my buddies girlfriends… really a lot of women did that chastity thing. i think its part of how twilight has become so hated. aside from all the other issues people have with it
megapenguinx, 1 month ago
Kill myself? I’d probably kill her (or you know just leave her and take everything).
Fluffeh, 1 month ago
And the book, so she’d suffer.
cait, 1 month ago
I hate twilight, I remember my roomate in college spending hours locked in her room.. just coming out to eat and explain how great twilight is and how much she felt like bella. That pretty much turned me off for good. It was about a year later that my sister rented the movie and I was like eh, why not.. I mean I wont say it was as painful to sit through as “the invention of lying” (for anyone who’s suffered through that mess) but it was annoyingly pathetic..period. I found myself having to “get up and get some water” multiple times because some parts were so unbelievably fake and over-acted to the point of legitimate gagging. Granted I haven’t read the book but why would a century old vampire hang around at a high school anyway. I get the whole washington state is rainy and protects Eds sparkly dermis.. but If you were a 100 year old vampire.. you’d really fart around some rural high school, swooning over an tweeny emo brat – not because you like her, but because her blood smells delicious? This is how it really ended: The Cullens are arrested on charges of homicide and pedophilia after killing a young teen girl in the middle of the woods in a satanic-like ceremony. Later, they would be institutionalized under the belief that they are vampires, when in reality they were diagnosed with hemophilia as young children forever obsessed with blood and its properties. Also, Edward would come out to his psychiatrist in the final installment. Now back to this post, please get a divorce. I agree the book and everything along with it is absolutely terrible and promotes women acting like losers, but your wife went far above and beyond.. I don’t want to imagine if you have a child and she starts reading lord of the flies…
Peter, 1 month ago
Kill yourself, are you nuts?! Maybe kill her and get another wife or a hooker!!!
This is just absurd, this must be a joke.
dick dastardly, 1 month ago
LOL!
Mike, 1 month ago
I agree with you Dick Dastardly.
Funny STORY.
The remarks are even funnier.
Will, 1 month ago
I am sorry but your wife is obsessed. It is a book for crying out loud. I think you better man an ultimatum soon and let see how she fares with her fantasy. I am sorry this is just dad. How can you be losing to a book.
Casey J, 1 month ago
That is simple, the book gave her the love and hope she wanted…while he was just a misunderstanding guy….guess he couldn’t tell she was reaching out for love
the Dude, 1 month ago
I hope you’re kidding.
I disagree, 1 month ago
Reaching out for love does not include pushing away and alienating your husband, unless you want a divorce to start with.
wow, you're wrong., 1 month ago
The level of how much you are wrong is astronomical. You need to wear a helmet for your daily activities dont you?
X, 1 month ago
How often do you fall down in an average day? Just curious.
Bob, 1 month ago
i hope you never have kids for fear of the retard it will spread.
SH, 1 month ago
Your response would have been more intelligent if you had just said “DURRRR” and smashed your face against the keyboard a few times.
Pixelmovement, 1 month ago
Well played, Casey.
Excuuuuse Me?, 1 month ago
You must be joking. I can, in an almost sick and twisted way, understand the vow of chastity thing. Not something I’d ever do but hey to each their own. However she not only teased her HUSBAND with make-out sessions, getting him hot and bothered with a serious case of blue-balls, when she knew she wouldn’t be giving him relief but she also PURPOSEFUllY harmed herself and her husband just to see the blood because blood is a major part of Twilight. To top it all off when she finally lifts the sex ban she calls out a fictional character’s name while in bed with her husband.
If a wife or husband were to call out the name of an ex or coworker in bed they’d be skinned alive by their spouse but it’s okay to call out the name of someone who’s a fictional character after months of denying your spouse sex?
Hun that’s not reaching out for love, that is a sign of serious mental issues that need to be addressed.
Dan M, 1 month ago
Epic troll is epic.
/golf clap
Completely shocked, 1 month ago
You are a fucking idiot. Clearly the wife was obsessive, but also selfish. How does she justify neglecting her husband while holding his Harry Potter obsession against him at the same time? Twilight has done nothing but give stupid people an absurd medium to divide themselves further. Team Edward and Team Jacob? Give me a fucking break. Stephanie Meyer is nothing more than a lonely housewife who got tired of writing fanfics. She is by no means a great author, and anyone who thinks so has all the literary knowledge of Sloth from the Goonies.
Awesome, 1 month ago
SLOTH LOVE TRILIGHT!! GO TEAM JACOB!
BEE, 1 month ago
Poor guy.
Should have divorced her after she proclaim that ‘celibacy’ thingy.
Dude, 1 month ago
Look, yes the Twilight series is crap, designed to wet the quim of pre pubescent virgins across the globe, however as far as you are concerned the killer is in the last bit of your tale.
You knew that she loved this story, you knew that she didn’t know the ending and had made a emotional commitment to the story in the same way anyone does when they are absorbed by a mythology, what made you think it was OK to piss all over her enjoyment.
My Wife liked the potter books and it would have been just mean to tell her that Dumbledore died in the same way I would have been devastated if someone told me that Frodo went off on the elf ship.
Have you considered the possibility that the reason you almost lost your wife is that you are an inconsiderate, insensitive shit bag who doesn’t deserve her?
eric, 1 month ago
holy crap! you are insane!! I would have burned the books and filed for divorce then told her how the story ended. who the hell are you to call anyone an inconsiderate shitbag?
real, 1 month ago
It was an accident, “shitbag.”
Dude Sucks Dick, 1 month ago
Dude go fuck yourself please.
You seem to be like the kind of guy who wears the skirts around the house.
The dude was telling his story and his wife was being a god damned child with this bullshit, now if I were the story teller, I would have given the woman an ultimatum and tell to give up the taco or gtfo.
Hank no Brains, 1 month ago
WTF!!! If that what they call marriage, everyone should jump ship. GTFO!!!
Tammy, 1 month ago
Uhhm I think she doesnt deserve him! He sounds like a normal guy with the desire for sex and the lady… shes physco. And yea he spoiled it big woop life goes on but her restraning from sex is uncalled for its not like shes a virgin (like bella im asumeing) and she is just messed up in the head. And I think your missing the main point. Its not about him spoiling it its about her being an inconsiderate, insensitive shit bag.
Masterson, 1 month ago
You mean, she was being Bella?
Hateful loathsome manipulative shallow cock tease of a whore
the Dude, 1 month ago
grow a pair. That guy was more than understanding. In fact he should have gotten her some psychiatric help. Clearly she has issues. you my friend are an idiot.
Douchehunter, 1 month ago
You sir are the trolliest troll that ever did troll
Hank no Brains, 1 month ago
Dude…you have a poor understanding of what was really going on. You could care less about the marriage at stake and more for defending or protecting a twilight book’s damn story line.
The man was clearly excited that he could finally be with his woman again. Yet, you, Dude, are siding with the teenage-minded wife.
The husband could have done worse things like have an affair with a prostitute named Dasani–like the drink. He could have left her completely. Instead, he jumped the gun and spoiled fiction!
Actually.., 1 month ago
actually, not even spoiled. I’ve read the books, and they get married in like the third chapter.
WHAAAAT?, 1 month ago
WHAT DUMBELDORE DIES????!!!??!
AAAANNNDDD FRODO WENT OFF ON THE ELF SHIP?!!!
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD RUIN THE ENDING OF BOTH OF THOSE STORIES FOR ME!!
How dare you piss all over my enjoyment shitbag!
wow, you're wrong., 1 month ago
Wow, you’re even more wrong than the previous girl before you. You need to sit in the corner and think about your life and how wrong it is.
somechick, 1 month ago
it sounds like the guy learned his lesson about spoilers.
it also sounds like his wife needs some therapy or something. any person who chooses to shut out the real people in their life in order to live in some fantasy world obviously has serious issues.
Aunya, 1 month ago
have you ever heard of the game World of Warcraft?? This ain’t the first thing like this to happen. Twilight is for middle aged women what gaming is to most boys/men.
That being said twilight is stupid, vampires don’t sparkle they burst into flames and I wish a slow painful death on Stephanie Meyers for this literary dribble she polluted our world with. Die Bitch.
kurisu7885, 1 month ago
Actually, vampires can go out in the sun, however it irritates them and diminishes their power.
However they sure as fuck don’t sparkle.
K, 1 month ago
…Dumbledore died?
rational_roma, 1 month ago
Dude, yours is the only comment here that makes any sense. This guy is a jerk. However, the woman in question IS a loon. These people are far better off not being married and luckily have not procreated.
luke1608, 1 month ago
And you sir are an imbecile of gigantic proportions, if his wife had been a virgin (which it would seem she is blatantly not) then it would have been an understandable and possible even acceptable link between her and a character she is obsessed with. It’s quite obvious that she wanted to in a way become Bella by having sex when she did the flaw being that she took into account when she would have read the about Bella having sex and not the actual date when she does. The writer is not in anyway in the wrong and I applaud him for hanging on when most people would have claimed for divorce and been able to probably get away with everything of value. So by claiming the the writer is in the wrong you are in fact showing yourself to be an insensitive bastard as you cannot relate to the obviously mentally and physically scarring damage he was receiving from the relationship.
On another not I have actually read the twilight series (I refuse to call it a saga as it implies that the books are in some way epic in scope and literal talent) and found the to be the most piss awful examples of literary talent that have ever had the good fortune to be published. The characters are two dimensional and are incredibly boring in every way. Bella is made out to be plain and ordinary when in fact she is perfect in every way (if your a misogynist looking for a wife) which is badly hidden behind the clumsiness which isn’t a character flaw, she is also whiny and treats her friends, her parents and Jacob like complete dirt. Also if shes so plain and average why the hell does she have like 4 guys fall in love with her in the first 50 pages. Okay I was gunna point out all the general shitness of Twilight but I can’t be assed at the moment, but I’ll leave you with a fun fact that when Edward says that he has been watching Bella sleep for 2 months she has in fact only been in Forks for 1, peace out and read some better books.
Omega, 1 month ago
@ Dude…? You’re an idiot. To have your wife implement something that she read into her marriage life, ” no sex till Blla has sex” is the most moronic thing I have ever heard in my life.
Again youre an idiot.
WAIT WHAT, 1 month ago
FRODO WENT ON THE ELF SHIP? GODDAMNIT, MY LIFE IS PAIN
mc hammered, 1 month ago
yea she seems just as bitter as dude would be if someone told him that frodo starting blowing all the elves in faggy elf land and moaning samwise gamgees name while he was being taken from behind. lord of the rings is 3 movies about a long walk. star wars 4 eva
Stretchyboy, 1 month ago
Your wife does you with a strap on doesn’t she?
Michaela, 1 month ago
Alright, now starting with this quote:
“My Wife liked the potter books and it would have been just mean to tell her that Dumbledore died in the same way I would have been devastated if someone told me that Frodo went off on the elf ship.”
YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE REALLY FAR BEHIND TO NOT KNOW ANY OF THAT!
Okay, what on earth is your problem? In anycase she doesn’t desever him, my (nonexsistent) god! Alright, what if your wife did this, I am certain you wouldn’t be singing the same tune.
ps. No shoot Dumbledore was going/did (to) die, I’m a lot younger than you and I saw that one coming.
Ben, 1 month ago
It’s quite clear by the end of the third book that they are going to get married. Her response is a complete over reaction to an extremely minor and overtly obvious event
Anon, 1 month ago
You know what? I had to wait to read the 6th harry potter book because my older brother got to read it first. I managed to stay away from spoilers until the day I finally got to read it. I had to go to an event with a large number of people, and as I was excitedly telling my friends that I got to read it, someone said to me “Dumbledore Dies”.
While upset for a day, I then promptly got over myself, BECAUSE IT’S A BOOK.
Devon, 1 month ago
Making an emotional commitment to a book is a sign of emotional instability. Be it fiction, non-fiction or something in between, it is still text and should not be the focus of an “emotional commitment.” Your defense of the behavior with this argument is disappointing at best.
That said, has it occurred to anyone that this tale may be a satirical commentary on the obsession of so many “Twihards?”
Crystal, 1 week ago
Way to tell everyone that Dumbledore dies and Frodo goes off on the elf ship.
Ajay, 1 month ago
Its splendid..superb
Shepton, 1 month ago
Okay, so, your wife became dangerously obsessed with Twilight, started injuring herself and breaking things, severely injured you, denied you sex because of a fictional character in a book, completely derailed your married life, and… You didn’t get her professional help and/or a divorce?
You’re worse than your stupid wife.
JUSTIN, 1 month ago
Shepton you nailed that one!!! You know how do bull shit stories like these make to the internet….did this guy really think everyone was going to be pissed off at his wife for him??? F*** man you just threw away your last ounce of dignity!!!!
Shannon, 1 month ago
Concur. Fully.
BS76, 1 month ago
High satire is easily confused with real news/stories. I applaud the author for such a good job. We all know a real man wouldn’t tolerate such behavior from a grown woman and would put a stop to it post haste, doubly so if she’s neglecting wifely duties and putting the relationship at risk over mere fantasy literature meant for 12 year old girls.
MCM1976, 1 month ago
I am thinking that maybe you should not have had her dress up as Hermoine! Ha ha ha! Just kidding! But seriously, it sounds like those people are caught up too much in video games, books, and not each other…
Euphorium, 1 month ago
you sir, should’ve got a divorce. Any woman (or wife in you case) who would deprive her significant other of sexual intercourse due to a fantastical book written for teenagers needs to have her mental health evaluated by a psychiatrist. Not only did she cut you off from sex, you essentially cut off your manhood. Please don’t let your only course of action be to write this pathetic article, if anything after you show the world how superficial and spiteful your wife is, you should write a follow up telling the world how you regrew your balls and dumped the bitch.
Indeed, 1 month ago
i agree. i have read most of the books and argue often that they are incredibley stupid in many of the themes. good books, but perpetuating retardation. lord help this man find a new woman cuase that one sucks.
generationnext, 1 month ago
I don’t know about anyone else, but those books aren’t good at all. I read them, and they are the most predictable, cliche books I’ve ever seen. Only people who don’t read enough like that kind of stupid gay vampire series.
Anne Rice is the best writer for a vampire series, hands down.
Jeremy, 1 month ago
If this is at all true, you sir are a chump.
Casey J, 1 month ago
well put
RM, 1 month ago
LOLOL!!!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!
Brilliant! Great story…
Joseph, 1 month ago
Dude, grow some balls, idiot.
asdfjkl, 1 month ago
This is clearly fake…. No self-respecting human being would allow their life to be so easily controlled and manipulated by a book series. By that, I’m referring to the guy. Clearly, your woman has lost her fucking shit if she is prioritizing a book about vampires (or anything, for that matter) over her significant other. You went without sex for MONTHS BECAUSE OF A VAMPIRE BOOK?
I don’t buy it… kind of a funny read though, good job.
sornie, 1 month ago
I hate it too!!!!!
JUSTIN, 1 month ago
Dude are you guys that couple from MTV….whats it called something about teen marriage or getting married young…..what ever, the point is…..The two of you need to grow the F*** up…….. Making your wife dress up like a story book character….wtf is wrong with you??? and now your complaining that she calls out edwards name??? you brought this on yourself you idiot….
MarStar, 1 month ago
Some of us ladies like to play dress up… hooray for role play!
Mojojojo, 1 month ago
This has to be fiction. Has to be. Or else if I were you I would have grown some balls and told her to rejoin the real world or find somewhere else to live. Thats what it boils down to bro. For real.
Entertaining for 5 mins nonetheless.
viralviralvideos.com, 1 month ago
I don’t know about you but I am sick of all these vampire movies! They have taken over the Sci Fi Genre. vampires are not sci fi. They are fantasy!
ps. Is that geek enough for ya?
Airaloske, 1 month ago
no, you’re just a retard. nobody said Twilight was sci-fi, tardass. It is firmly placed in the Young Adult Romance section. and btw when you have to tell people that you’re trying to sound geeky then you’re probably trying too hard. you’d better just kill yourself right now; even the trekkies think you’re lame.
In any case the stupid books aren’t even toilet-paper quality. I’d be surprised if it made for good kindling.
David, 1 month ago
the sad thing is, i can see this actually happening somewhere.
Chris, 1 month ago
Unfortunately, the book (and thus the author) wasn’t the problem, but rather it sounds like your wife is dissociative. Dissociation has its benefits and drawbacks, and obviously this case was one hell of a serious drawback.
Dissociation allows “loosing one’s self” to a movie or a book, or emulating another personality or behavior; it also allows a personality to “hide” from unwanted events. Unfortunately it also means that you can “not be yourself” sometimes, too.
Taken far enough, dissociation can be diagnosed as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), otherwise known as DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). MPD/DID is actually a lot more common than most people think (I’ve seen estimates that as much as 20% of the population has some form of it), and can easily go hidden and undiscovered indefinitely in most cases. I happen to live with someone who has been diagnosed with MPD/DID and ADMITS it, at which point it can be handleable. In other words, she sometimes has similar awkward behavior [how could she not, she's got > 50 personalties], but we both know WHY and thus she’s understandable (relatively, anyway), and thankfully she’s willing to discuss these issues at length. It’s when you DON’T know you have it that it’s a real problem, because then you’re probably having to deal with all of the denial and slow learning process of what the hell is going on.
Assuming your wife is dissociative and/or has MPD/DID, O believe it is something that can be dealt with. Start by discussing it with her and see what she thinks. I’m not recommending any particular analysis or therapy, as how you want to handle it depends on the situation.
If you go the therapy route, be warned that the typical recommended therapy for MPD/DID is “integration” which involves trying to merge all of a person’s personalities into one single personality. This has some drawbacks as well, as there’s no way to merge personalities that are opposite. Most multiples have personalities of mixed gender, for instance. So how do you merge a sweet female personality with a strong-willed intense male one? You get the idea. Integration is not always the best way to go. When my partner was given the choice she opted out of integration therapy for that reason.
Hopefully you’ll be able to work out this issue together so that you can both come to an understanding of it and thus figure out how to best deal with it.
Either way I’m sorry you had to go through this — wow that must have sucked. Good luck.
Julie, 1 month ago
I’d like to point out that your above statement has a lot of problems. This man’s wife does not suffer from DID, if it exists at all (as outlined in the DSM, anyway).
Quote:
“Dissociation allows “loosing one’s self” to a movie or a book, or emulating another personality or behavior; it also allows a personality to “hide” from unwanted events. Unfortunately it also means that you can “not be yourself” sometimes, too.”
Dissociation doesn’t mean “losing one’s self” to a fictional character (or characters, as it appears to be in this gentleman’s case) at all. Multiple personalities are regarded to be facets of the affected person, kind of like a shattered mirror. They may emulate a certain personalities or behavior, but that identity is generally not an actual, real-life person. For instance, a child is repeatedly subjected to physical violence. They may develop an identity that randomly appears to segment off the memories. The identity may be something like an large, violent, aggressive person. Or it may be a well-adjusted, happy child.
DID patients are often convinced they have it by both suggestions of their own psychiatrist/therapist and false memories. Often the patient is dealing with a different disorder altogether.
And of course there are those who believe the illness does not exist at all.
Either way, this man’s wife is not suffering from multiple personality/dissociative identity disorder.
She is somehow ill, but I would take any suggestion that this woman suffers from DID with a (very very large) grain of salt.
Missy, 1 month ago
I love this satire. It sums up the plague that is known as Twilight. The author made my day!
Mike, 1 month ago
Missy I agree with you.
I found this article to be entertaining.
I do not know if this was a work of fiction or not, but I do know that the writer has provoked a lot of responses.
Well done Sir!
I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that all of the guys that made a comment about “Growing a pair and dumping the bitch” are either not married or in a loveless one.
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
MNR, 1 month ago
Both of the people in the story are idiots, just like the characters in Twilight the series.
Raine Genderon, 1 month ago
Dude, I hope this is a joke… Seriously. I understand though. My husband is jealous of Doctor Who, as I have a major obsession with the Doctor (Ten, not Eleven). I always joke that I’m going to run away in the TARDIS.
Prime, 1 month ago
Wow, I can’t believe you didn’t leave her when she said the celibacy thing. Honestly, that’s enough for a judge to give you most of your possessions. She would be living in a van down by the river reading that stupid ass story. And to the guy who mentioned upsetting her, are you serious? She would have sex because of A BOOK. I hope you are exaggerating, colebenjamin
Frankie, 1 month ago
Wow is that for real? I wouldv’e dropped the “Your a married woman” bomb on her. Your half of our relationship is absenmt. WTF, Sorry to hear all this if it’s in fact true. Maybe get some fake blood, or cherry flavored blood and make a fantsy come true for her. Maybe it’ll spark it back to normal. WOW
dolphin_64, 1 month ago
I’ve seen all three movies, so far, and not read any of the books. I’m not obsessed with the Twilight Saga. The same with the Harry Potter it goes on and on. There is no book, on the face of this earth that I would or story/ fairly tale that I would put before a man. I enjoyed the movies, and the music score’s. One must know the difference between reality and fantasy. I would rather sit and watch the Superbowl any given Sunday with my man!!!!
Leah, 1 month ago
Wow I am so sorry, as a twilight fan myself uhhh I never was like this. Pure insanity. Its a book. A BOOK! I hope things are better now for you and your wife
patti, 1 month ago
Sounds like the wife is a little nuts.
Jessica, 1 month ago
Your wife sounds like a complete idiot.
Jessica, 1 month ago
Is your wife a 12 year old virgin?
Windy, 1 month ago
I really enjoyed this LOL. I have read the books and waited anxiously for the last book , ( I bought all the first 3 at the same time ).I however did not get that obsessed with it and I have gone to see the movies. No licking my blood or any sort of odd behaviors. I do feel for the families that have to endure a “Twilight” obsession , thank god I don’t have teen age daughters LOL. Thank you for making me laugh this morning.
kat, 1 month ago
I highly doubt she was witholding sex cuz of the books. I’d come up with lame excuses to keep from having sex with this immature child of a husband too. He so obviously doesn’t have a clue on what women want.
lolwut, 1 month ago
I’m a woman, and I can tell you, sex > Twilight. Every. Single. Time. I read the books. I wanted to like them at least a little bit, but the Bella-Edward dynamic is so unhealthy, and Bella herself is a weak, easily manipulated idiot. Twilight is an atrocity against literature.
Then again, I’m the kind of girl who’s more likely to play Call of Duty with my man.
kurisu7885, 1 month ago
I salute you miss. I’ve seen too many videos and such of girlfriends smashing their boyfriends gaming machines to pieces out of jealousy, however these boyfriends are expected to do everything their girlfriends want.
Good of you to pick up the controller and enjoy it together with your man.
Marcus Baker, 1 month ago
Now, I know that I probably should read the entirety of the forum before posting my concern, but, honestly, I am an over trolled man in a sea of troll spit. That aside, I worry about your wife, sir. There is a third type of person in regards to that damn ‘vampire’ story. Those that tried to absorb enough to understand what all of the women (co workers, loved ones, etc.) were friggin talking about. I am of this ilk. My wife is (almost) of the love it troupe. She is, however, a casual entertainer of whimsy, not, if you will pardon the term, Goddamn crazy. Now, I understand that you have here a small picture of what you experienced of your spouse’s obsession. Breaking glass and BEGGING you to believe that it was an accident… cutting ones self (however slightly) to lick away the blood, and drastically altering your life in a way that impacts the ones you share your life with, for an Adolescent Fairy tail romance novel… well, sir, that is a sign of being unwell. Mentally. I know this, because I am a Mental Health Professional. My professional opinion is that your wife needs to seek counseling. And I suspect this is not the first thing in her life that would lead one to suspect that. ~M
trescjl, 1 month ago
LMAO…SERIOUSLY DUDE…I CANT BELIEVE MY EARS OR MY EYES WHEN I READ YOUR STORY AND BELIEVE IT WAS VERY GOOD READ….YOUR WIFE HELD OUT ON YOU FOR THAT LONG…DAMN…YOUR HANDS MUST BE ACHING FROM LOVING YOURSELF FOR ALL THAT TIME AND IM SURE YOU THOUGHT THAT THOSE COLLEGE DAYS WERE OVE…LOL..BUT SERIOUSLY YOU SHOULD HAVE REMINDED HER OF HER VOW TO YOU AS MAN AND WIFE YOU HAD TO TRY SOMETHING TO STONE WALL HER OR TELL HER THAT IF SHE DOESNT CHANGE THOSE WAYS YOU WHERE GONNA TAKE THE DYSON …LOL. SHE NEEDS TO GROW UP AND LIVE IN THE WORLD OF THE HERE AND NOW AND YOU NEED TO STAND UP LIKE A DAMN MAN AND TAKE HOLD OF THE DAMN SITUATION….YOU BOTH NEED A TIME OUT IN CORNER TO THINK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO YOURSELVES.
Chris, 1 month ago
Your wife is insane. No grown woman should ever act like that. She needs help.
M, 1 month ago
“There are two kinds of people in this world: …” – what a BULLSHIT -)) I really don’t know what is this stuff and I don’t give a shit, if it exist or not. Get real guys, grow up, finally!
wtf, 1 month ago
what are you even saying? do you speak english? seriously?
Dude......, 1 month ago
Is this for real??? How can you even call this relationship a marriage? It’s absolutely bizarre. How old are these people? I would swear they were no more than 15 years old. Do you live in Utah? I’m glad there are no children stemming from this “union.” That would be an absolute train wreck.
YiggyPow, 1 month ago
Dude, Twilight is AMAZING!
Lou
http://www.web-anonymity.au.tc
Wouldnt You LIke To Know, 1 month ago
Alright, I’ll give it to you that that blood thing was dangerously close to the line of looney-town.
You should have found her some Twilight FanFiction to read. It’s nothing BUT sex it seems.
Aimee, 1 month ago
I think your wife has emotional issues. We all fixate on certain things, but her obsession seems unhealthy. You were very insensitive to tell her the spoiler alert however. It would be nice if you could find things that you both enjoy doing as a couple (besides the obvious) – ie. going for long walks, watching movies that you BOTH enjoy together, occasionally going on vacation, etc. Good luck with the marriage, and thanks for the story! I loved it! P.S. My Boyfriend is also a Call of Duty addict! He loves it! He plays Call of Duty and I go on Facebook. We all have our things!
J, 1 month ago
My questions are… a) how long did this guy go without having sex with his wife? b) Isn’t it great that the book series never insinuated that she did harm to a pet or, worse, a person? c) I would divorce a woman who did something like that. This situation gives you a pretty good idea of how potentially dangerous a person can become when immersed in a world of fantasy. Would you divorce such a person?
LovEtWilighT, 1 month ago
I happen to LOVE LOVE LOVE Twilight. But no way would I EVER hold out and not have s e x… because 1.) I am not a teenage virgin like Bella and Edward.. and 2.) I am not dating a hundred year old boy with very old fashioned values… And neither is this guy’s wife! These people are already married. lol. She should have done what all of us 30-something women have been doing, and that is using Twilight as a vessel and a tool to SPICE up our love lives!! But refrain from calling your man Edward ladies!! hahahaha..
Lyn, 1 month ago
Seriously I am a girl and think she is crazy. I mean the celibacy is for so long is crazy unless you are in a bad marriage to begin with and even in those they have sex at least once with in 9 months. I think you should have told 911 that she probably throw herself into the coffee table and other crazy behavior cause then she would have been in the looney bin and you would have gotten a speedy divorce.
Honestly you can still get a divorce if you want because if you can claim you think she is having an affair because she screams out another guy’s name in bed.
If this is just a joke then it is a good story.
jazz, 1 month ago
I have to agree with you because that is taking fanatasy to a whole another level. She really seem very cray to me or there is definitely something else wrong in the marriage…hope it works out in the end.
Divorce is not cool.
Dan, 1 month ago
Is your wife nine years old? If so, she is completely normal and I wouldn’t worry about her. She will grow out of it when she gets to high school.
Phyllis, 1 month ago
I laughed at this article until I was sick. Have sent the link to several family members and will send it out from my website. It is just too dang funny not to share.
aestrada, 1 month ago
I loved reading this….. thought it to be very entertianing
Lisa, 1 month ago
I love the books and movies but your wife needs help. If I were you I’d leave her and find somebody stable.
Pooface, 1 month ago
BUT – men constantly look at porn and ignore their wives for it, and that’s OK?
Weez, 1 month ago
you’re wrong
ask any heterosexual guy, anywhere, and he’ll prefer real sex to porn any day.
Mike, 1 month ago
WOW,
Someone needs a hug.
Pooface, 1 month ago
Oh – but I hate Twilight so I don’t stand up for the bad wife in this story.
GramKin, 1 month ago
ROFL! That is the funniest thing ever.Here I was thinking that this is a children s book, but there seem to be more adults into this than kids…
They really are too intense in that movie…
Funny
Naw Naem, 1 month ago
DUDE…There is something seriously wrong with your relationship if she wasnt giving it up because of a fantasy-book character.
Do you have kids? If so, stay until the youngest is 18 then GTFO!
If not, you need to either:
A: GTFO; the only sane thing to do, or
B: Get her hooked on soap operas. Everybody in the “stories” is doing the dirty. Of course, since her heroes will now be soap stars, forget about fidelity from her…
You poor schmuck!
Matt, 1 month ago
You played Call of Duty while your wife dreamed of 17 year olds… sounds like every other marriage.
(News) Twilight ruined my life! (spoilers inside), 1 month ago
[...] Twilight ruined my life! (spoilers inside) Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and my life) | It Thing! Wow. I think that couple has more issue than trying to blame a trilogy/movie. Note: THERE BE [...]
trisha, 1 month ago
AllI can say is as i read the books all i wanted was to have hard rough sex. Sounds like she was just in love with Edward and was fantasizing about him not her husband. Wow shes a crazy one…LOL Poor guy
Gabriel, 1 month ago
If this is real, and I hope to God that it isn’t, let me help out the author with a bit of advice. It’s simple advice, so simple that it boils down to one word. Here’s how you spell it: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Seriously, dude, only you could talk about what sounds to be the Queen of all Twitards and end up looking even stupider than her. My wife and I love each other, have a great relationship, been married for 3 years, etc. She kinda likes those books but isn’t crazy about them. If she had told me that she was going to base our actual relationship on the relationship on the Twilight characters, to the point that she began cutting herself, it would be the fastest (and easiest) divorce in history. Your wife is clearly a mentally ill basket case and why on Earth you would out yourself as the most pathetic pu**ywhipped man in the world is beyond me.
Embarrassing. That was so embarrassing that I’m embarrassed to have read it. I can’t imagine what it must be like to actually live your miserable life. Pray to God that Mormon hack Stephanie Meyer never writes another book in her life. I can only imagine the kind of crap your wife will put you through because you’re too much of an incredible wimp to stand up for yourself. Have some self-respect for God’s sake!
MIke, 1 month ago
Amen!
kurisu7885, 1 month ago
She’s making enough off the wannabe goth kids buying this crap that she probably won’t write another book.
If so she better keep her grimy hands out of mythology the rest of her job.
Angeleyes4914, 1 month ago
wow I think your wife needs a shrink! Thats taking it wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to far!
Kiba, 1 month ago
Take your wife to counceling. Seriously. DO it. What’s going on with your wife isn’t healthy for any relationship. You might as well just leave her right now.
MCM1976, 1 month ago
What about his obsession with Harry Potter and Call of Duty? There was a breakdown BEFORE Twilight came into the house…. Someone who would be online discussing Harry Potter for hours and hours instead of giving his wife attention and wanting her to dress as Hermoine has had the shoe put on the other foot! Ha ha h aha!
Edward, 1 month ago
WHATTTT!!?! You broke our pact of celibacy for this guy? But… you assured me the marriage was dissolving?… Beach!! I should’ve slurped that blood right out of you!
aaron, 1 month ago
You both sound like the most immature couple of people I have ever read about. YOU ARE A PATHETIC FOOL, for staying with this psycho bitch. I hope she kills you both.
sean, 1 month ago
Is your wife’s name Shelley?
IH8Bella, 1 month ago
Satire or no satire, there is truth to this…I present to you the story of a married Twi-hard trying to live out her own delusional fantasy of being Bella and falling for a married man, their first date was ‘New Moon’. The first night the four of us were at a party together, she loaned him the books. He read them and immediately joined the delusional mindset that all twi-hards fall into when they become emotionally connected to that evil, evil collection of words, and became convinced that she was his Bella.
One problem, she saw him as her Jacob.
I was asked for a divorce.
She rejected him for not being her Edward.
She asked her hubby for a divorce.
Wheel of morality turn, turn, turn, tell us what lesson that we should learn….
Its a fucking work of fiction that some people try to live out because their lives are in some way unfulfilling to them. This piece was fantastic. Spoke very much to the truth of the delusional state these books do actually bring out in its fans. Cost me and a good buddy a good chunk of our sanity and…well…our marriages. Fuck Twilight.
shannon, 1 month ago
ummm I like Twilight and on But come on, A sure fire way to get nookie from your wife with a book, go out and Buy anything by Christeen Feehan,(my Fav. is the Dark Series of books) It has all the things womon love, Vampires, werewoves, a great twist in the vampire world. o ya did I forget Sex.sex.sex…
Jessica, 1 month ago
Wow. What is even more hilarious that the post is the fact that so many people don’t realize it was written to be funny.
Come on, people. Please don’t believe everything you read online. It’s a joke…. and a damn good one.
Azhrei, 1 month ago
If this is a joke, bravo. If it is not, your wife is fucking insane and needs help.
alec, 1 month ago
I want to take a dump on Edwards chest.
Becky, 1 month ago
As I Twilight fan, I have to say these two people deserve each other. They both make me cringe and I’m so happy to have my very normal marriage-not perfect-but not making anyone dress up as a child from a Harry Potter movie for sexual purposes or basing their lives on a make believe fiction novel. I’m at a loss for words that this is even a real story, if it is?
kurisu7885, 1 month ago
How do you know it was for sexual purposes? It’s never stated to what end.
Maybe it was Halloween or a convention and they wanted a good couple costume. People do that all the time. Hell, me and one of my exes once spoke of going to a convention as a Big Daddy and Big Sister from Bioshock. Seems a bit more normal to me than cutting yourself and screaming a fictional character’s name.
crazy bitch did what?, 1 month ago
what da hell is wrong wit her 1 word DIVORCE
MCM1976, 1 month ago
I am seriously thinking you should not have had her dress up as Hermoine! Hahahaha. Seriously, there was a breakdown BEFORE Twilight ever came into the house!
Sedare, 1 month ago
It’s called divorce. No nut job is worth it.
P.S. Harry Potter is only slightly less stupid than Twilight. Expeliarmus (and yeah it’s probably spelled wrong) that shit.
Switzerland, 1 month ago
Wow… I’m a Twilight fan but seriously? I really hope that she is eternally greatful to this guy for staying with her. All that time fantasizing about Edward and his deep devotion to Bella when she already had someone who was that devoted to her. Idiot…
Casey J, 1 month ago
I am sorry your wife isn’t strong enough to differentiate between reality and fantasy…you say people can not be on both sides of the fence. But see I both HATE and LOVE Twilight. Honestly when I started reading, I couldn’t stop. It was great, I use to be like that with EVERY book I read, but after being literally forced to read in a flawed school system I learned to HATE reading.
You must also understand that I myself and a writer. So I can appreciate Twilight in ways “fans” can’t always do. I appreciate her ideas, and her simply easy to read writing style. I enjoyed the books and also HATED spoilers. My husband knew better than to spoil things for me…and I to him. We both enjoy the Twilight Saga *books* By Stephanie Meyer and own all 4 books. But I also own most of Anne Rice, Piers Anthony Xanth Novels and Harry Potter.
What I HATE about Twilight, the obsessors. That pretty much sums it up, all those *pardon me* IDIOTS that are soo in love with an idea that have taken it WAY overboard…apparently like your wife. Now I am not saying that I HATE the fans, I just hate their obsession. They need to get a firm grasp on reality and real themselves in. I don’t know if you have noticed VAMPIRES TO NOT EXIST, and if they did I am pretty sure they wouldn’t sparkle.
Honestly, it seems as though neither of you really know the other and do not appreciate eachother properly. You should seek marriage counseling and maybe admit *along the way* you are no Prince Charming and she is not your Fair Maiden. You are two screwed up people, like most of the world’s couples. Lets just see how long yall last and if yall can learn to appreciate and love eachother properly.
Also do not dis something you have not read….that is just dumb. If I am mistaken and you have read the saga then I apologize and I must have missed that somewhere…
But my hubby and I have discussed Twilight on many occasions and come to the same conclusion, it would be a lot better if people could enjoy the books but keep a grasp on reality…like we did.
christy, 1 month ago
dude, i’m SO sorry! that really sucks.
kdm, 1 month ago
I bet it was you being a Harry Potter fanboy coupled with buying her that book about guys who are more manly than you!
Hahaha
LOTR mothafukaaaaa
Kevin, 1 month ago
Please go to your closest lawyer and divorce the shit out of this dumb bimbo.
Paul, 1 month ago
You shouldn’t hate twilight you should hate your crazy wife and yourself for putting up with that crap! Get a life.
Lori, 1 month ago
Really? She wouldn’t have sex with you until Bella did? That’s taking it a bit far. I’m glad you didn’t give her Twilight when it first came out, you wouldn’t have gotten any in years and I’m sure your marriage would have been over before the last book came out. Sorry, but your wife is crazy. I’m a twilight fan, but I never took it anywhere close to where she did. Hope your marriage gets better.
haley, 1 month ago
It’s not the book’s fault. It’s the way SHE reacted to it.
I mean sure, I’m a Twilight fan but that’s not why I’m saying it.
People have all different types of outlooks on books, movies, etc.
But, you blaming Twilight is really stupid.
I mean that’s like blaming McDonald’s because you got fat. You didn’t HAVE to go in there everyday right?
So think about that. And maybe, instead of playing Call of Duty all day,
you could’ve tried talking to her. Maybe you could’ve helped her separate fantasy from reality. Don’t blame the book.
JCC, 1 month ago
I think the lengths she went to get so obsessed with these books is possibly the result of a poor marriage, loss of connection, no romance, no attraction etc. I mean, she’s getting all hot and bothered by these books and instead of getting involved or reading the book too, you are playing video games?
Yeah, gaming gets dudes laid all the time.
Granted, her obsession is quite extreme, but the obession was probably not the problem. Rather it was of the result of the problem.
In Between, 1 month ago
Three words. Divorce the bitch.
Luz, 1 month ago
I can’t believe this, it sounds crazy. My daughter was into the books and enjoyed reading them day and night, but never got into it like this poor mans wife. I think she needs help.
Dee, 1 month ago
So I’m a little confused…After all that crap, why is he still with her. She obviousally has some mental issues and needs help. Why would you stay with someone who withholds sex because the characters do, drinks her own blood and calls out edwards’ name when having sex. Seriously? i think this guy should file for divore ASAP!!!
Normal, 1 month ago
You need a divorce. Your wife is a nut job.
Ben, 1 month ago
Seriously, leave your wife. She’s crazy. I mean, the fact that she kept the ban up, and that she uses Edward’s name during sex?
Leave her. You’re better off, trust me.
Samantha, 1 month ago
OMFG……this poor bastard married a complete freaking psycho!! I feel so freaking bad for him….What kind of wife is she….a ban on sex for MONTHS……she is just lucky that she had a good enough husband that he didnt cheat on her stupid ass. Not that cheating is good but COME ON..all I have to say is WOW….really….WOW
Unbelievable, 1 month ago
You are BOTH retarded! 1. to allow another person…..especially your wife, treat you and dis respect you like she did and 2. for you being stupid enough to let it carry on so long.
What she needed was a good reality check! You should have told her the ending on the first day!
I cannot believe I just wasted 10 minutes of my life reading your story! Divorce the bitch! Life is too short to put up with crap like that! I know! I did it for years and wish I would have been told this!!!!!!! She will NOT change! It will get worse!
Vanguard, 1 month ago
Wow, he should divorce her now before this happens again. Though the blood thing….you should have divorced her then and there. That’s one of the steps to thinking you are an actual vampire. Also, if you think that she won’t do it again….I got three words for you: GLASS COFFEE TABLE!!
You want that to happen again? Cause I don’t think she’d call 911 next time.
I have to say….I prefer the vampires portrayed by Stephen King and the like. They don’t sparkle in the sun, they burst into flames. I want the blood-thirsty, soul-less, rip you limb from limb vampires and not the Twilight ones. And if anyone knows what I’m talking about….Barlow ftw.
jane, 1 month ago
lol! this has got to be a joke — or the author has to be the most desperate person alive. i would’ve either killed this b**ch a long time ago or filed for divorce by March. Sounds like he’s married to a total nutcase.
I'm telling ya man..., 1 month ago
WOMEN ARE FUCKING CRAZY.
Cara, 1 month ago
Ok. The Twilight series is a TEEN/Young Adult series. Meaning it is for teenagers and is written at an adolescent reading level. Why are grown (supposedly) mature women becoming engrossed in the series?
No disrespect meant here, in all seriousness, your wife does need psychiatric help because the lines were between the TEEN fantasy of the series and her ADULT life were becoming blurred. When it got to the point where she began consuming blood intentionally, that is when help should have been sought. When the glass table incident occurred, she then became a danger to herself and others.
Be careful and don’t introduce her to the Blood and Chocolate series.
John, 1 month ago
Seek professional help, both of you.
sam, 1 month ago
ya i agree with some people above. your wife is insane. the truth hurts but it’s true. no self-respecting man would spend one more minute with a woman like that. what happens when a real person woos her like twilight?
Johnson, 1 month ago
Look…the wife is pretty nuts! I’ll give the guy that. It’s unfortunate that it had that kind of an impact on their marriage. But, I will point out, there really isn’t much difference between a Potter fan and a Twilight fan. I don’t get why Potter fans are so judgemental when they do similar, if not farther, things to revel in their story lines. I don’t see any Twilight fans who dress up as the characters, host fantasy websites, and attend all the geeky comic conventions. If Potter fans would just take a moment to think about why they love their series so much, and apply it to Twilight fans, I think the conclusion is….we have common ground!
Desertfox, 1 month ago
How can you say that Potter fans are as bad as Twilight fans? I’ve never heard girls/women talking about how they wished their boyfriend/husbands were more like Harry. If you want a fandom that is just as bad, look at Pirates of the Caribbean and the obsession with Jack Sparrow.
This story is OBVIOUSLY fiction and a great sociological experiment. A nice way to exemplify just how far REAL people will take their belief in a story and how they let it affect their reality and the way they behave towards other people.
Rick, 1 month ago
Obviously your wife needs a reality check. You did well on sharing your story. If she still doesn’t agree, leave her. She can marry Edward Cullen if she wants to. Good riddance.
Reasonable, 1 month ago
Are you fucking joking me? Divorce the retarded psycho and move the fuck on you giant wuss.
TCE, 1 month ago
No judge in the world would ever convict you for slapping the living piss out of her. Not condoning it, but she clearly needs a concussion to wake her up to reality……
DP, 1 month ago
I agree with Cara above
I dont known how any GROWN woman could put herself in this situation.
Clearly immature (how old is your wife by the way?)
I hear and see so much about this vampire bullcrap that I think its totally weird, and anyone who watches it is totally weird.
I say get a god damn LIFE please – go on facebook or something.
crazypomp927, 1 month ago
damn i feel really bad for you…you’ll like this though cuz it makes fun of twilight http://www.break.com/index/vampires-suck-1879620
Lynx, 1 month ago
It’s really sad that your wife would not talk to you for days just because you spoiled twilight for her. Everyone already knew they would get married. She treated twilight like a golden calf. I knew some girls that were the same way. Nothing else mattered, but again we are only hearing one side of the story, but I think we really only needed to hear one side =(. Sorry dude that really sucks.
Will, 1 month ago
Your marriage makes me very sad. The stupidity of both you and your wife is unrivaled by anything I have encountered in years.
Allygyrl702, 1 month ago
Now, that was hilarious!! I can somewhat identify with the wife. Stephenie Meyer creates a world you want to be apart of. I didn’t abstain from sex but I did swear I saw people who could be vampires and werewolves in real life.
rob, 1 month ago
This sounds like the most pathetic marriage between two nerds I’ve ever heard about… maybe you should buy her a copy of Romeo and Juliet so you both end up killing yourselves.
Boroni, 1 month ago
Nothing like veiling soft porn behind a “scarey” movie about teens becoming vampires! Truly, nobody in their right mind watches such fluff and believes that it has any relational connection to reality??? Pseudo-Sex for pre-teens anyone?
MythBuster, 1 month ago
How I know this is bullshit. The fact it took the dude 6 months to get all the achievements on COD 4 if he was playing it everday. Took me around 4 days I think.
MYTH BUSTED
V, 1 month ago
Man.. Im really sorry for you. Wish you were young again where nothing could stop a couple from ripping off things.!
onrgreeneyedjo, 1 month ago
Wait till she reads the Charlain Harris Trueblood series books, sees the HBO TV series or rents the series!!!
Poor fellow!!!
thedudenextdoor, 1 month ago
Americans are fucked up.
Stephanie, 1 month ago
I would have left the bitch!
sucker, 1 month ago
haha sounds lyk his life sucks, never underestimate the power of the Twilight Saga lol
Ole, 1 month ago
Is it legal in the U.S. to get married under the age of 16? You sound to me like a stupid 5th grader… sorry but this is ridiculous
jonjimjonjim, 1 month ago
she is totally insane. leave her asap
billy bob, 1 month ago
in the words of Al Bundy “Absofreakinlutely” leave that vampire loving. “Dodge is a damn fine car! Ran over my wife with a Dodge.”
Rob, 1 month ago
This is an incredibly unhealthy relationship…clearly. You really should either both get some serious counseling, or a divorce. It’s not “funny”, it’s scary and psychotic. I wish you luck.
chaz, 1 month ago
holy crap i thought i was the only one going through this same mess! my girlfriend is the same fricken way except she broke up with me and started dating a younger guy and them came back to me and then back to the younger guy. she would quote stuff from the book “like age is just a number” holy cow chicks are crazy and believe me i may hate twilight more than this guy !!!!!
schleppa, 1 month ago
Very funny. Very, very funny.
Otacon, 1 month ago
If there is even an ounce of truth to this then you seriously need to divorce this woman. Put up with losing half your shit, put up with alimony if necessary, and leave her. The love has been compromised by paranoid delusions and a complete collapse of sexual identity within your wife. I cannot imagine the hallows of self-esteem non-existence dwell within your mind if you find this behavior even remotely acceptable in your household. That, or be a fucking man and tell the bitch to stop the insane school-girl fantasizing.
Michael Douglas, 1 month ago
I’m surprised at the level of stupidity on these comments. I’m guessing their hardcore twilight fans who have nothing better to do than defend their own book since they lost all their boyfriends/husbands because they weren’t like Edward enough for them. No one should put up with borderline obsession.
Bottom line, you need to divorce this woman until she goes to a therapist. Obsession is not something to be trifled with.
TylerPurrden, 1 month ago
All I can say, after being completely dumbfounded at how unsettling the extent of this was, is that you both need to separate (don’t even get me started on the perils of a vampire “love” story written by a bloody MORMON. That should be everyone’s first NEON SIGN warning!!).
And if you absolutely refuse in your sadomasochistic yet disturbingly apathetic way to actually break up – PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY DO NOT PROCREATE. There are way too many idiots that spawn even more unnecessary mouthbreathers out there. Obviously you’re both screwed up and any children that would result do not deserve to inherit your full-blown psychotic/neurotic tendencies! The fact you can even find that woman sexually appealing at all gives me the heebie-jeebies, and the shudders that are induced by knowing she can’t even address you when you’re having sex BY YOUR OWN NAME are nauseating. If I had my way, you would both be sterilized!!
Jeff, 1 month ago
I would have kicked the bitch to the curb about 2 weeks after her announcement
Allyse, 1 month ago
wow, that is pretty strange that your wife went that far with the series! i just watched the 3rd, and im even excited to see if bella will change her mind and have a bit of fun with jacob… but i can only hope. GO TEAM JACOB! haha, edward just seems kinda over protective over bella… but who cares! its a movie!
Jane, 1 month ago
I don’t love or hate Twilight. I did read the first four chapters, or so.
Logic, 1 month ago
dude seriously leave your wife.
john a, 1 month ago
you would be better off leaving her. sounds like a total mental case not worth the trouble.
tim, 1 month ago
Like others have said, she needs to see a therapist. And you need to find a real woman.
Cornetto, 1 month ago
I stand in the middle ground. It’s a mediocre teenage romance that will eventually be in the past. That’s all. The people freaking out about how it’s awful are just as silly as the people freaking out over how “amazing” it is.
Russel Kealoha, 1 month ago
If you showed her True Blood, I’m sure your luck would have changed. SOOOOOOKIE!
jdmmojo, 1 month ago
So you definitely should have filed for a divorce. You’re telling me your wife stopped having sex with you because of a poorly written teenage romance novel. Yeah… any psychologist or marriage counselor would probably advice you start sleeping with someone else. If your WIFE wants to f-up a marriage over her love for a book you need to sleep with the younger woman down the street. I wouldn’t have forgave her and I don’t think you should either.
dbh, 1 month ago
Should’ve married a friend instead of a vagina.
Rawr, 1 month ago
Divorce.
Anonymous, 1 month ago
Therapy now! But on the same subject sort of I would hate for making me dress up as Hermione because I also hate Harry Potter. Everything to do with him or with Twilight. I hate them both with equal amounts of insurmountable rage.
Chris, 1 month ago
Wtf man, you should’ve stood up for yourself. Now you’ve proven you’re HER bitch and she can and will do anything she wants regardless of how it makes you feel.
Are you, 1 month ago
You need a new wife she is fucking insane.
Mike, 1 month ago
It’s interesting that most woman perceive the Wife as psycho, whereas most guys sympathize with the Husband. I’ve noticed this in many cases in fact.
What girls don’t realize is that, to a man, they all seem like the Wife in this story, i.e., irrational. Maybe some are more rational than others, but 90% of the time, they are perceived as irrational by guys.
I just had to say this cause I get the impression from a lot women that they don’t realize this.
indrid cold, 1 month ago
You are fucking insane for staying with this woman.
Anon, 1 month ago
Don’t blame twilight for finally letting the cat out of the bag that your wife is literally off-the-fucking-wall psychotic. There are people who are in the middle ground with twilight. I read all four books and could really care less. I don’t need to see the films. I don’t need to talk about it ad nauseum. I don’t need to re-read the books. There are non-psychotically obsessed people on this planet, that have also read the twilight series. In fact, twilight haters have become just as prevalent, obnoxious, and obsessed with bashing twilight as all the 12 year-old girls have become about running around screaming about jacob shirtless. Get lives, people.
a delong, 1 month ago
i think both you and your wife should see some professional help.
how are you going to blame all of this shit on the twilight saga bullshit,
im not even into any of it so its not that i have a bias opinion because i myself am obsessed,
its obvious that youre wife is having a personality crisis and attaching herself to bella’s character , she needs help
if it wasnt twilight it would be something else im sure
you need to get over this whole “twilight ruined my marriage” crap
its seriously the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard
sorry but im embarrassed for you and that you took the time to write this post , and actually believe everything you wrote makes any sense at all , even in the slightest
Ultimate Chase, 1 month ago
First of all, this did not happen. Second of all, if it had (it didn’t) it would be the most retarded thing of all time. I can’t even get into all of the reasons this situation would be stupid if it were real. For a woman who is married to abstain from sex because a character in a series of novels was doing so is ridiculous, but it could be romantic or cute if it was for a good reason that drew parellels to her own life. However, the reasons for the characters Bella and Edward not to get their bone on were a) Edward wanted to wait until they were married and b) Edward was afraid he might accidentally murder her to death if they got it on. Since these things obviously don’t apply to your wife in this pointless and fictional story, your wife (if she existed) would be basically not screwing you for NO reason at all. It’d be like if she read a book about a character who didn’t like to travel and then she refused to go anywhere until at some point in the series that character crossed a state line. If this story were true I would say that your wife is batshit crazy and also using this little whim as an excuse to not have sex with you because she doesn’t love you and therefore you need to take a break from writing articles on the internet to spend serious time repairing your marriage/beating sense into your God-awful wife.
To sum things up, you’re stupid, this story is stupid, your made-up wife is stupid and I’m going to go stick a knife through my foot so that I can get the whole thing out of my head as fast as possible. Nice try!
Desertfox, 1 month ago
Kind of awesome how incapable of taking a joke you are. Good luck with the knife to the foot. Hope it works out better than your sense of humor.
diggablep, 1 month ago
Wow, I’m so glad my wife is Japanese and could care less about the twilight “saga.”
It’s such awful garbage. Some of my buddies and I decided to watch the first movie and we couldn’t get over how bad it was. Some movies can be good in a bad way… but this was just bad.
some of my writing on life in Japan:
http://hubpages.com/hub/AKB48-Japan-idol-group
hahaha, 1 month ago
At least she didn’t read interview with a vampire.
LOL.
RIGHT!!!, 1 month ago
The Vampire Chronicles and the True Blood books are the ones I’m more surprised haven’t ended up like this. I’ll admit that I had it bad for Lestat for a good long time in high school and through most of my first college to the point of making my husband grow his hair out and wear tight pants. And the chicks that work at my grandmother’s spa (including my mother) are just as obsessed about Eric from the True Blood books. I refuse to let my husband go in there until book 10 is at least a year old cause of the strong resemblance to Eric in the HBO series right now.
starwhite, 1 month ago
I choose not to believe this story! This would make a great sketch on Saturday night live! Yeah. In real life not so good! I’d pack my $hit & leave. Got to have some self respect. I mean, I’ve taken a lot of stuff, but you have to draw the line sometimes! I mean, I would put away the Goddamn video game & try to communicate with this chick. OK? if that didn’t work then Hasta la vista, baby!! Sorry but shes too much to imagine.
Robin, 1 month ago
IM dumbfounded.FOR REAL??? c’mon. what surprises me is the women my age, Im 39, that are starstru ck and caught up in an imaginary world where they’ve made scenarios of real life events with these fictional characters. DUDE…run. very hard. very fast, escape this imaginary fairytale world your wife lives in and come on over to our planet Earth before you awaken to a knife thru your heart (not by means of emotional heartbreak) but like the real set I have in my kitchen. And have her committed. FOR REAL??? This is just really hard to imagine this is really happening.
Christina, 1 month ago
Just read your article [clearly]
First of all, unlike a lot of the people above me, you’re not weird for making your wife dress up like a fictional character out of Harry Potter. There’s nothing hotter than a couple role playing. Anyone, in the moment of passion, cannot say other wise. Including your wife I’m sure. She could have said no. You, I’m sure, didn’t stick a gun to her head and force her to wear the outfit of Hermione! However, I can’t really side with your wife. I mean, fantasize all you want sweetcheeks, but calling out another mans name while having sex with your husband no less, is a bit.. errr.. terrible? Now don’t get me wrong guy. I’m not like picking sides and saying that your wife is this horrible bitch that needs to fall off a house and break her neck [though if I were in your shoes I would have fantasized about that happening quite often] Instead I’m saying that I can see how your wife got wrapped into the book. Obviously wishing that she could be Bella. I understand getting wrapped into a book, fantasizing, but how your wife took it was a bit.. um.. far? When this was happening the best approach probably should have been psychiatric help, or maybe even marriage counceling.
Perhaps you still need it? I have to give you kudos though on your awesomeness of sticking with your wife through all this craziness. Even if it may have been for the sex? Though I doubt that’s why.
I’m not going to say I hate twilight, but I know lives that they have changed and you, my friend, have clearly not had a life changed for the better. So, again, my advice, even though the ordeal is over, marriage counceling. Don’t leave your wife, help her, help yourself
*thumbs up*
john public, 1 month ago
there is a difference between twilight fan and psycho. good luck with that self-mutilating, irrational, self-centered bitch.
urbanvox, 1 month ago
I’m like TOTALLY with you in the Twilight hating team…
if my wife EVER did thaqt… there would be trouble!
lol
Bar, 1 month ago
If this is true, you should divorce your wife and move to another country without her knowledge.
She is clearly a sociopathic, dangerous person and you should escape while you still have a chance. This is an honest warning, do not ignore it.
Rockstar Philosopher, 1 month ago
Dude, what else can I say? You’re the moron who bought his wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas… It doesn’t matter how much she said she wanted it, you should have just bought it and put it in the cupboard, not given it to her as a gift. If she’s the only one using the vacuum it means she’s cleaning your filth, and if she’s not it means you’re using her Christmas present.
Fail dude, you deserved all you got.
Desertfox, 1 month ago
Rockstar, you’re a special little cupcake with a side of unique frosting.
Ed Fisher, 1 month ago
Funniest thing I have read on teh tubes in ages. Only slightly less scary is how closely this rings to true. Either way, I loved it! I hope I am not laughing at your actual suffering, because, damn bro, I can so see this being real.
Thanks for sharing.
glem, 1 month ago
Women don’t give up sex, they just give up sex with YOU. Just want to get that ou there.
Desertfox, 1 month ago
What a well thought out response. Profound, witty and of exponential value.
(Note: These compliments have as much validity and basis in reality as the original story. Meaning: NONE!)
Angel894, 1 month ago
This can’t be serious. Why is everyone so sure this isn’t just an idea someone thought of and rolled with to make people laugh?
Christy, 1 month ago
Haha…this is great. I laughed all the way through…so hilarious.
Wooooowww...., 1 month ago
I don’t think it would have been the lack of sex that got me. My husband and I weren’t allowed to have sex for 8 months due to pregnancy complications. As is I’m in an almost sexless marriage cause my husband just doesn’t give a damn for it, and trust me it kills me at times…
Yes I’m a woman that needs sex as much as food…
But really I would have gotten her help when she started hurting herself and then gotten a divorce after she threw me through the glass table and wouldn’t call 911 until he took whatever back about what was said about the stupid team boys….
Aoi-chan, 1 month ago
I felt sorry for the dude. His wife needs some serious help – .-
Woah, 1 month ago
lol your wife = /wrist
Poast for the Ages, 1 month ago
COPY-PASTA THIS SHIT EVERYWHERE.
Dude, you belong on /b. Are you sure I haven’t seen you there before?
Destiny, 1 month ago
Yea she is crazy as hell…and to be honest, im sure the actors where having sex in real life. I am a twilight fan but really no sex.
StephanieMarie, 1 month ago
I am an educated…Masters Level…married female and I LOVED the books. I also enjoy greater literary reads but thse books were very entertaining to me. That said…the above story is obviously an exaggerrated version of the truth. I found the stories romantic and made me WANT sex…The idea of waiting until you are married to have sex is not such a bad thing…and the desire that is built up in the book can be quite stimulating! So, Im going to assume your wife enjoyed the books…devoured them….and you may have been ignored at times when you were…ummm…excited. Thus you made a funny story out of your situation and exaggerated your perdicament to enhance your story… Who doesnt love a funny story, right?
bob, 1 month ago
you’re a huge pussy dude.
Henrique Kenji, 1 month ago
First of all, I’m really sorry about all of that dude xD ahhaahha
But it’s really funny :p hahaha
I’m not a fan of this gay vampire thinge nor I hate it as you said that there is only this two edges of relationship to this literature in particular. And I think that your wife seriously need some professional help gentleman… that’s not healthy AT ALL !
Part of it u might have deserved because of the Hermione thing lol.
Anyways, botton line, great post, really funny (I don’t know if it was supposed to be xD ) and I hope things back to ‘normal’, good luck gentleman o/
ps: U should have tried to cosplay as that gay-white vampire to tease ur wife lol xD maybe that would have helped hahahah
Tam Linn, 1 month ago
You’re a misogynistic piece of shit.
Desertfox, 1 month ago
Ah…Tam Linn, I’m surprised you have a handle referencing such a wonderful ballad and yet your mentality appears to be that of a Twilight obsessed 6th grader. Such irony.
Simon, 1 month ago
Im not an expert in people but seriously, dump that retard bitch.
ItThing’s List Of Knock Out Reads #1 | It Thing!, 1 month ago
[...] Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and Life) [Entertainment] [...]
ME, 1 month ago
I would call out Edward name too…have you seen him? damn!, that man is HOT!
kurisu7885, 1 month ago
Then don’t expect to stay in any relationships long. Most guys HATE it when the one we’re with calls out another’s name during climax. It really hurts our feelings.
EruditeWitch, 1 month ago
AS a fangirl for Harry Potter, I have seen other people get out of hand. But this is just too far. This is sad. And I’ve never met someone who was unhinged enough to only sexually fantasize about the fictional characters.
If this is real, divorce her.
I have a thing for Ron Weasely, but I don’t go much farther than that. Sure my husband is tall and ginger…very ginger, and we kind of look like Bill and Fleur with a weight problem, but I only sleep with him when I sleep with him.
I will admit that I beg him to put on a Kilt like Jamie Fraser in Outlander, and I would die if he showed up a Quidditch uniform…but that’s just simple role playing and I know the difference.
The fact that my husband refuses to play wizard is now making me like him more and more. At least he understands what makes a good marriage. If I ever act like your wife did, I hope my husband has the good sense to leave me.
kurisu7885, 1 month ago
That’s nerd/geek romance for ya hmm?
alli, 1 month ago
I’ll dress up like Hermoine for ya tonight if you’ll play vampire tomorrow…no blood necessary…come on baby, just a little fun:)
Granted, I’m assuming this story is exaggerated…
Anjew Pooka (Not my real name), 1 month ago
I laughed like hell until the last paragraph. To me that wasn’t funny at all. I feel truly sorry for you. I hope your wife overcomes this obsession and starts to love you more than her fantasy. Thanks for posting, and keep your head up.
stacey, 1 month ago
Wow, all of you going back and fourth just made my morning. i was due for a good laugh. what children you are.
Nana, 1 month ago
I think my husband would be eternally grateful if I told him he could play a video game for 8 months, and didn’t have to do more than kiss me in all that time. That would, for him, I think be the perfect life.
Senai, 1 month ago
its a book. she is phsyco, he is Fkn patient to withstand it. You are all fighting over the internet… how sad. XD and im a middle person. i like but despise twilight at the same time
Rachel, 1 month ago
Your story made me so sad… screw twilight and your stupid wife who can’t seem to appreciate the real world, or the husband who obviously cared for her.
Mike, 1 month ago
It’s more hilarious reading all of the comments of ppl that feel the need to comment on this fella’s story. Get a life of your own!
me, 1 month ago
It is possible in fact to love both Twilight and Harry Potter, but I don’t think it’s fair either what happened to you. But i wouldn’t blame Twilight for it. I think you should have shown interest, and if you let her talk about Twilight, maybe she’d let you talk about Harry Potter.
Bryan, 1 month ago
I totally feel for you…With me it was World of FRIGGIN Warcraft. My wife actually left me for a guy she met in the game because he played all day and I didn’t. I was all selfish and had a JOB…
Lisa, 1 month ago
Might I recommend a divorce? Or at the least introduce her to Trueblood. At least then you might get laid every night compared to once a year.
MuseOfLight, 1 month ago
Unstable bitches = major fail.
Blare, 1 month ago
Oh, I love you so much for reading Harry Potter. That has made my day. Twilight doesn’t come close to the glory that is Harry Potter!
Your wife, though, is a little too obsessed. Seriously… she is the perfect example of why I abhor all those bloody Twilight fanatics.
derp, 1 month ago
I wish you were dead for not back-handing your bitch ass wife.
Julia, 1 month ago
I’m sorry, but your wife is an idiot.
thtguy, 1 month ago
GG to the toolz with the deadbeat wives
Marcus, 1 month ago
Fakest crap I have ever read. If you are going to make up a story, at least make it believable. I hate Twilight as much as the next person, but you are obviously trying to create negative publicity through lies.
el oh el, 1 month ago
^ team jacob fan
Corrine, 1 month ago
Jesus.. I read Twilight, and I liked it for all the horrible reasons and blah dee blah.. but my god I would never even fathom of doing that to my boyfriend.. or anyone! She needs some help if she got that crazy of them.
This girl has to have beer flavored nipples if you stuck around
tim, 1 month ago
you’re an idiot, twilight didn’t almost ruin your marriage, its cause you’re wife is an idiot too
Natalie, 1 month ago
Four words- DIVORCE THE NUT CASE!
Jeff, 1 month ago
This is an awful article.
Just awful.
bren, 1 month ago
This is ridiculous. Even from a girl’s perspective your wife is really crazy. You two are supposed to be married… therefore you are ADULTS… therefore you do not act like crazy teenagers. After that coffee table thing you described, that would have been it for me. You should have given your wife an ultimatum, it’s twilight or divorce. See how she faired with that one. If she picked twilight well, then I think you might have picked the wrong wife.
arielle, 1 month ago
why’d you marry a crazy bitch?
collin, 1 month ago
this isnt your fault or even twilights fault. your wife is just a nirotic fuckin crazy bitch. you should leave her. this shit is insane
Sarah, 1 month ago
Your wife is insane.
Who would say no sex for that long? and screaming out edward’s
name?
Im a girl and I think twilight is full of shit.
Your wife is a head case and fucking messed up.
Id be getting a divorce, soon.
Lee, 1 month ago
Well, -I- thought it was a funny article. Made me giggle. Great writing, sorry you are getting tore up in the comment department. Ouchies.
GalinKinlin, 1 month ago
I almost cried for you. You… You deserve better. I know now that there is a man who hates Twilight more than I do, and by god, I wish I could have helped you.
I don’t know if this is a joke or not. I couldn’t laugh. The horror of what this is has hurt my stomach. Please tell me that this is a joke. I want to be able to laugh this off, to go back to my world before I read this.
shaun, 1 month ago
Hi colebenjamin
I’m so sorry to hear about your … situation… I can sympathise though with you, not in exactly the same way but very close. I had been married with my wife for 5 years and had to been together for another 5 before that… and my wife’s sister gave her twilight for her birthday ( me and her sister never really got along) and it was just like what happened to you with the no sex till they do.. I was in shock for a good hour… ok let me just quickly go ahead say this comment before I go any further… to all the people asking why his still with her, it’s hard to leave someone after you have been through so much together in the past ok?… moving on but yeah I started seeing she had cuts on her had (small ones of course, I would freak out if she had cutting her wrists)… but cutting to the punch, they ended up doing it in the book and so did I (thank god)…. but she was doing the exactly the same thing and your wife did and called out Edwards name in bed…. just once I had to hear that because there’s no way I’m putting up with her thinking of someone else in bed other than me……I ended it there. We got divorced and basically got everything in the divorce.
I still hear about my ex wife from friends of friends that she’s not doing so well and is basically hating her life
I’ve moved on with my life now colebenjamin and I have found myself an absolutely beautiful girl that hates twilight more then I do
So colebenjamin if you have stayed with your wife you are one strong man and I hope things do get better for you in the future and that your wife see’s that it is only a book soon
PS colebenjamin I had been really confused on how this happened and went to see a psychologist to see why this had happened if it was anything I did, but what she had to say actually made a lot of sense because if you read the book (I recommend not to) at the start S. Myers makes Bella out to be realllllly vague… so that most girls will actually relate to Bella. But Edward is described in such detail no one can be Edward except for Edward….
Thought that might help in anyway
Alicia, 1 month ago
wuuuuut theeeee fuuuuuuuck?!!!
The Love Cop » Can Twilight or Any Romance Novel Nearly Ruin Your Relationship?, 1 month ago
[...] Twilight or any other romance novel nearly ruin a relationship? That is what the author of http://itthing.com/twilight-almost-cost-me-my-wife-and-my-life as well as many other men have claimed. In this particular instance, the author claims that the [...]
twilightisgay, 1 month ago
no kids yet?
divorce that crazy fucking bitch.
twilight is horrible… an insult to the whole literate world.
Bob, 1 month ago
Drop that dumb crazy bitch
FKTwilight, 1 month ago
If my fiance had done this, which she didn’t, I would have left her ass in a heartbeat!!!! If your wife is calling out a fictional guy’s name while you two are having sex, that is IMMEDIATE violation of terms in my book. She would have had divorce papers on her pillow the next morning!!!! My fiance, on the other hand, she has read all three books and likes them, says they are ok, but doesn’t get wet thinking about them like most of the dumbass females in America do. These little vampire lovers will get their reality check when no man in the world is like these FICTIONAL DUMBASS characters in a story book. And to the writer of this article, you sir are the biggest tampon sucking ass-kissing pussy-whipped little punk I’ve ever heard of. You need to turn in your man card. I agree with you on the HATING TWILIGHT w/ every beat of my heart, but you caved way too easy on the no-sex thing. If my WIFE took a chastity vow after we were married, I’d go find me a nice cheap hooker, or her slutty best friend, and get mine one way or another.
Leslie, 1 month ago
well.. i was under the impression that when you marry someone, you work through even the craziest shit that they do. maybe i am just mistaken..
a non eMouse, 1 month ago
Sorry, but just because SHE wanted to take a vow of celibacy until the fictional character got some, does NOT mean you had to participate in that vow. You should have gone out to a club or bar (whichever you prefer) and taken care of business.
If she found out and divorced you… no big loss. Seriously.
Beezy, 1 month ago
Now that’s about ten different kinds of FUCKED UP. She says his name during sex? Just that right there is enough for divorce… or at LEAST serious medical help if you’re determined to keep her. Burn those goddamn books!
j, 1 month ago
fuck you. just, fuck you. you worthless, selfish sack of shit. i hate those books/movies. but, fuck you. if you could pull your head out of your ass or video games long enough to figure out why she would be upset over you giving away the (terrible) plot, you might have avoided all of this, but no, you had to be a selfish douche. fuck you.
nazrek's home » “Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and My Life)”, 1 month ago
[...] Wow..what an epic story. Made my day! http://itthing.com/twilight-almost-cost-me-my-wife-and-my-life [...]
LOL, 1 month ago
i dont think the guy is selfish for giving away the plot, i think at most it was a LITTLE mean, but its really not that big of a deal. but mostly i think the wife needs some help.
hello, 1 month ago
Last time I checked, vampires don’t sparkle in the sunlight. They die.
you're dumb, 1 month ago
you’re a fucking idiot. who the fuck spoils a book for someone? in the hopes of getting laid? you’re so fucking selfish. i don’t even like twilight and i think you’re dumb.
Dude, seriously., 1 month ago
Ugh, get a divorce! I mean, I like Twilight, but not more than sex.
LMAO, 1 month ago
Just a thought: what if Bella never had sex in any of the books? As a third party outsider, that would have been kind of hilarious.
Real Estate Tycoon Falls In Love With Twilight, Sends Out a Memo | It Thing!, 1 month ago
[...] his employees on how Twilight can help them look at things differently and spark their creativity. Twilight almost wrecked a man’s marriage and seems to be after businesses. This Twilight saga has got to stop! Read the memo in it’s [...]
Brian, 1 month ago
to be honest, the fact that you put up with this is absolute bullshit. You should have dropped that bitch along time ago. Probably around the same time she told you no sex until a fictional character decided to open her legs to a goddamn vampire. This woman is obviously mentally insane. GET OUT NOW. don’t waste another day. Fuck that shit
Your mom, 1 month ago
… If this was real, then you both desperately need to see a therapist. This was not funny. It was depressing.
Dani, 1 month ago
Ohmygod. Your wife has some kind of mental disorder, dude. I mean… It’s a book… with fictonal characters. I really could care less about twilight, but I’ve read them and they’re not at all a big deal. My sister had a small obsession, but she hates it now. Now, she just has a crush on Robert Pattinson. Nice guy. I’d rather her like him than that Taylor Lautner fag. Anyway, your wife is psycho. My sister never ever had it that bad. You should of gotten her help.
Kirsten, 1 month ago
o.0 Wtf? I miss the days when I first read Twilight and it was unknown. Because then I could have a rational discussion with someone about it. There is a ridiculous amount of stigma (as well as a ridiculous cult following.) Bleh. I miss when moderately liking the book because it was decent for teenage romancey blah was ok. Women like this guys wife, good god…it makes me sad.
Ozzman, 1 month ago
¿Is this true? if it is, I don’t know how you still sleep with your wife, or even how you haven’t gotten divorced, that’sthe sickest thing I have read in a long time… sorry if it was rude but just the reading of that was disturbing..
Sarah, 1 month ago
Why would you blame Twilight when your wife is clearly batshit insane? Most people who read the series (including myself) are sane, rational people who understand the meaning of the word FICTION.
itemforty, 1 month ago
If your wife calls you Edward, you should break up with her. It’s not Twilight hatred that provides that advice, but instead, the fact that she doesn’t love you anymore.
That is, if you or she even exist. High-five!
ohai, 1 month ago
You’re wife is fucking insane. I read all the Twilight books and the plot was extremly flimsy, full of cliches, and frankly Edward’s creeper level is equal to that of Hannibal Lecter’s. Harry Potter completely supercede’s Twilight. I don’t see why she would get so pissed about you asking her to dress up as Hermione Granger, I also find it completely fucked up that she would comply and the constantly bring it up like it was some big deal. I’m all for Harry Potter roleplay and I don’t find anything wrong with any sort of roleplay. Although her fantasizing that you are Edward Cullen everytime you two have sex is just wrong. You need to have a talk with her and maybe give her some vampire roleplay; cover yourselfin glitter and blood and sit in a bathtub full of ice for about an hour. That way the rolplay is balanced out. She was Hermione, you were Edward.
If she still continues to act in such a pyschotic manner I highly recomend a marriage consouler.
I hopeall works out for you.
NekoK, 1 month ago
If your wife is capable of acting like that, developing such self-harming and dangerous fetishes, she needs a psychologist. And if you still haven’t left her, you are either pathetic, lazy, or very much in love. Anyway, I still kind of pity you.
NekoK, 1 month ago
And before you told your wife about the spoiler, why didn’t you take a minute and just think… “Hmm, if anyone told me XY died in the 7th HP book before I could read it, how would I react…?”
Nicki, 1 month ago
Its not the book’s fault. Its’ your wife. She’s obviously just a psycho.
anon, 1 month ago
The book is awful. Your wife, however, needs serious help. I’m a total fantasy nerd but I know whats real life and whats fake. Books are there to draw parallels to our lives and to give us a bit of an escape. Get her some help.
Atticus, 1 month ago
You should have left that crazy whore long ago.
Mises, 1 month ago
Grow a pair, get a divorce, leave her in a way that lets her know she’s a pathetic bitch obsessed with a fucking kids book.
saxyphone, 1 month ago
I don’t even know what to say about this. Is it wrong that the most entertaining part of this story is the ridiculous arguments/comments people are posting? If this is simply a story, props for an excellent job. If this is a true story….I hope she gets help. Or you get a divorce, one of the two….actually, you might want both.
Mike, 1 month ago
Saxyphone, you nailed it!
I feel like we are having a conversation in the middle of a hail storm.
Cephalopod, 1 month ago
I feel you pain. Mine talks about it all the time. It disgusts me.
Sebastian, 1 month ago
Sir, I’m sorry to say that your wife suffers from some form of obsessive compulsion and possibly even early signs of borderline personality disorder.
Right now it’s Twilight but she will find other things that will always come before you.
Honestly, get out now while you still can, before you have kids, or get her into serious therapy.
Good luck
Ticketgirl, 1 month ago
BRILLIANCE!! This was hilarious! Thanks for the laughs! But don’t worry, she will eventually discover fanfic and become the nymph you always dreamed of.
Leslie, 1 month ago
this is the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever heard. and everyone referring to this guy as an insensitive asshole is also fucking insane. that woman needs some fucking help. i think a couple of the wires in that lady’s brain have shorted.
toni clark, 1 month ago
this is a classic case of being mental. if i were you i would do one of two things… 1) leave your wife for calling you edward everytime you do the grown up. or 2) show her how it feels, act like your obsessed with a really hot actor and call out that girls name while your gettin jiggy with it. catch my drift??? OOOHHHHHH MEGAN FOX!!!!
ahhhhhh, 1 month ago
bitches yo
Sammy, 1 month ago
Ok, people. Quite obviously, he is exaggerating things. Maybe his wife did take a “vow of chastity.” Whatever. Many married couples have gone much longer than six months without sex; maybe it was exciting for her. But cutting her fingers on glass, licking the blood off her fingers, and then “several transfusions later”? Hello, he’s clearly exaggerating for the purpose of comedy.
So lighten up.
no, 1 month ago
You’re such a pussy for still being married. Faggot.
definately_not_you, 1 month ago
Wow what a way to tuck your wiener between your legs. I’m sure you also let her tool you in the butt once in a while haha. Did you also take her last name at the wedding?! I think that was code for your wife wanting to leave your no penis having ass. You believe her wanting to take a vow of celibacy to some how connect to a character in a book series? More like she is banging the black dude down the street!
brandy, 1 month ago
ok so i thought this would be another person saying they hate twilight for no real reason but you definately have a good one! i loved the books but i fully understand why you hate them.
Roivas, 1 month ago
Why are people having such a cow about this? This is obviously a joke.
Nebulos, 1 month ago
That’s why i will not watch those movies..
whynot, 1 month ago
I have the perfect solution to bring you and your wife close.
Get all romantic with dark red wine, tell her it’s blood, get some glitter and sprinkle it on your body then take her anally without permission and do it hard without prep or lube.
Then take the blood from her anus and spread it on her face and nose and mouth and say something romantic like ‘tonight we dine on lust blood’.
Problem: solved
Patrick, 1 month ago
You should have divorced her… that is completely pathetic and childish and in no way even closely resembles a fully functioning adult human female. Stephanie Meyer is the worst author ever, none of her characters are any deeper than a mud puddle.
Chris, 1 month ago
This is a joke. Has to be. It’s just too funny and to crazy.
Anon, 1 month ago
Good God. I really, really do hope that was a joke, because otherwise…
I have to put up with a girl who is quite literally psychotic. And I had to listen to her ridiculous claims. She literally thinks that a man who is like Edward would be perfect for her. “Well,” I asked her, knowing she saw me as a brother figure, “What if it was ME watching you while you sleep?”
Her response is that she would be grateful. It really is just…
Grapes, 1 month ago
I’m sorry dude. Are you sure there isn’t something actually wrong with her…like…emotionally. I mean I can sort of relate to all of this Twilight nonsense. When I was 11-15 years old me and my two best friends LOVED Harry Potter, I read all the books, I had Harry Potter birthday cakes, I had all the posters, I went to all the midnight showings of the films, I had the action figures. I was a serious, serious fan. My best friends dad even made me a custom Harry Potter wand for my 13th birthday, I am 22 and I still have it. So I can kind of relate to the fan-girl aspect of your story. But the difference is that I was a child, Harry Potter is a children’s story and I was allowed to be ridiculous like that. My obsession with Harry Potter got me teased every now and again but it never damaged any relationships, or adversely effected anyone else. But there was a reason I loved Harry Potter so much. Harry was an orphan and when I was 10 my father died. I was struggling with coming to terms with his death and Harry Potter was an excellent escape for me. I felt very connected to him and I felt as if he was apart of me and I loved the freedom the story provided. So I guess I am wondering, when I was a kid, I became obsessed with a book series to help me deal with things that were out of my control, maybe your wife is doing the same thing. You and your wife need to sit down and discuss what is going on with her, outside of Twilight. Ask her how she feels about her job, about her friends, and about the future. Maybe something is upsetting her and causing her to take refuge in this ridiculous story. And you might want to evaluate your own role in the relationship. While you sit and play your xbox your wife is becoming dangerously obsessed and hurting herself and you. And I am not sure in this kind of situation that you can blame the book (though I am not defending it, I hate Twilight too), maybe this crazy behavior is due to some kind of fear, sadness or dissatisfaction she has within her life…….
Michaela, 1 month ago
Okay, now, I don’t agree with the fact that you called Harry Potter a ‘children’s book’ it’s for everyone. Unlike Twilight. I have seen SEVEN YEAR OLDS reading Breaking Dawn, disturbing? yes! I read all of them and I HATE THEM.
If you only read one book of a series and say you hate them, you’re closed-minded, I feel you at least have to give it a chance, but the amount of twi-spawn in bookstores makes me scared to enter.
ManikMagik, 1 month ago
Dear internet,
I married an idiot.
The end.
Wormd, 1 month ago
All I can say is, don’t give your wife The Shining.
moniker, 1 month ago
well, I read the saga, yes I did. I am a female, really am. I like the books… 100% they were very interesting, page turners you could say. as an adult on the other hand I grasped the reality that these were fictional characters meant for nothing more then entertainment. also, edward never hurt bella during making out n such, actually quite the opp. your wife must have had that fetish far before. honestly tho.. take her to see a shrink, there is something wrong with her.
James Cooljohn, 1 month ago
Twilight didn’t force your wife to do anything. It was your wife’s actions (choices) in the situation that you hated, not Twilight.
Okay, well you probably hate Twilight too.
I would have a difficult time swallowing such an expression of immaturity without having a serious conversation about it. For a couple weeks? Maybe (marriage). But sounds like it went on for a good month? Maybe longer? That’s absurd.
Then again, I don’t know if you expressed your frustration with the thing to begin with. Maybe your attitude towards such a thing is what makes you work for each other. …Maybe. Would drive me and I think almost anyone else up a fucking wall and beyond, though.
Best wishes.
P.S., I read the comment below by “whynot” and laughed harder then I have in a very long time.
Terry, 1 month ago
The problem here isn’t twilight: it’s that you have no balls. You deserve what you get for putting up with this kind of crap.
John, 1 month ago
If that bitch calls out to Edward you need to slap her in her goddamn face. That’s bullshit.
Ruffadelic, 1 month ago
You should take her to see this: http://www.vampiressuckmovie.com/
RandomGuy2931, 1 month ago
ha you got 1000G on COD 4
Kudos to you man
and about your wife screaming edwards name in bed
maybe try to bring a gag into the bedroom.
just thinking mit not shut her up compleatly but well
sould make it inaudible at the least
and maybe implemet some earplugs for you self and just enjoy the
blissfull pleasure in silence
sab, 1 month ago
Dude, all I have to say is holy sh– wtf? and if this is actually real… i am so, so sorry, and please just run far, far away.
Jack, 1 month ago
You need to divorce that crazy bitch.
soap, 1 month ago
All that sucks and all, but i just stopped caring what you thought as soon as you called cod4 dumb.
Chelsey, 1 month ago
Divorce the cunt. No seriously. SHE IS A CUNT. You deserve way better than her. If she’s calling out Edward during sex, you should leave her. She deserves it. She’s fucking crazy. No person in their right mind would A) cut you while making out(tho I’m open minded to fetishes, yours clearly was not), B) not call a fucking ambulance till you told her you believed it was an accident, C) stop talking to you over a fucking spoiler, as if it wasn’t obvious (by what a shitty writer Stephanie Myers is) how it would end, D) abstain from sex for months because of A BOOK, and E) yell out “Edward” during sex. Tell the bitch she’s not having sex with Edward, she never will have sex with Edward, even if he did exist, he’d never have sex with someone as crazy as her, and leave. Trust me, you’re gonna be miserable if you don’t…actually it seems like you already are, so I’ll just say it won’t get better…it will probably get worse. This is so disturbing to me I don’t even care if this gets cut off for language. She is a crazy cunt. This nex statement is about as unrealistic as I get:if I take over the world, I will have all Twilight books stacked into some amazing sculpture and burn it to the ground, and take all the looneys like her to an island where they can go crazy and eventually die off since it will all be women and a few gay men, so there’s no chance of procreation.
zilla, 1 month ago
He should have cut his losses (no pun intended). She needed a dose of reality.
1234codename, 1 month ago
I hate to tell you this, but I don’t think all that should be blamed on the Twilight series or the ladies at work. It’s your wife dude. She’s totally mental.
K-she Bro^2, 1 month ago
Man, you poor thing. You should talk to her about these obsessive behaviors. Not healthy.
Cara, 1 month ago
I am a girl. I read Twilight. My opinion is, and I believe this is the truth: IT IS NOT A GOOD PIECE OF LITERATURE. It is mediocre, mediocre and belongs on a dusty old bookshelf at a used bookshore. It does not deserve media hype and it certainly does not deserve to be compared with actually well-written literary works. The extent of the plot is: Bella is an ordinary girl. Enter Edward, commence 500 page description of Edward’s perfect body. Bella is obsessed with Edward. Edward is obsessed with Bella. There is the plot for you. No where in there is there real character development, an intricate and well-written plot, or interesting diction or sentence structure. But, combine an unsatisfied soccer mom/inexperienced pre-teen/desperate, lonely woman with a story about an undead Ken doll falling in love with a plain-looking, obscure girl, and you have got a recipe for a media craze train wreck where mediocrity is glorified in a sick, pathetic mess.
:), 1 month ago
ha! She sounds hot lmfao
free range kitty, 1 month ago
sounds like your wife is a crazy bitch!! i could see twilight appealing to 12 year old girls but that is just ridiculous.
Mikey, 1 month ago
That’s sad. You should end that relationship and she can continue living her fantasy little life. You should remind her that the story is for teenagers.
Michaela, 1 month ago
Why on earth DIDN’T you divorce her, it would have made your life much easier, amd you could find another Harry Potter fan who would want to dress up as Hermione (because seriously what Potter fangirl wouldn’t?) and would spend hours on Horcrux theories with you instead of the probable ‘eh, maybe’-style reply?
Silly man.
matt, 1 month ago
yea i’m kind of confused at a bit of hypocrisy on your wife’s behalf, you said she was accusing you of threatening her identity yet she surrendered it to the twilight books anyway
i’ll never understand why women become so emotionally attached to inanimate object/stories
Anon, 1 month ago
Your wife is retarded. Leave her ASAP.
uh ok, 1 month ago
ok either you got really creative with your story of hatred towards twilight (which I hope is the case), or your wife needs some serious therapy.
Nathan, 1 month ago
Yeah, you should have left your wife on Christmas day.
Dan, 1 month ago
wow. your wife is freakin psycho dude… and you are a moron for blaming a book for your wifes retarded decisions. If i were you i’d take her to a damn insane asylum. maybe you both need to be if you can blame something on a fictional book lol.
Joey, 1 month ago
Who’s the bigger idiot?
Your wife for being an obsessive lunatic still wooed by the plights of adolescent boners;
-or-
You for not getting a fucking divorce before you populate the world with more half-retards?
Katie, 1 month ago
Twilight isn’t responsible for all of that psychotic shit. Your wife is.