Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and My Life)

Posted by By colebenjamin at 7 July, at 11 : 38 AM Print


There are two kinds of people in this world: those who want to eradicate everything associated with Twilight from the face of the earth and those responsible for polluting the public consciousness with its blood-sucking adolescent melodrama. It is pretty much the definition of the it thing, but people either love it or they hate it. There simply is no middle ground.

No matter how much you might hate it, even if you’re Kristin Stewart herself, I guarantee you don’t hate Twilight as much as I do. You don’t. And if you love it, you can’t possibly love it as much as I hate it. I know this because my wife loves Twilight as much as anyone I’ve ever met or read about, and, I swear, I loathe those stupid books 100 times more than she loves them.

That might have something to do with why the Twilight saga almost cost me my marriage . . . and my life. Read all about it after the jump.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

On December 25, 2007, I gave my wife the weapon of my own destruction. Twilight. I hadn’t read it. I didn’t plan on reading it. I had the vague understanding that it was about a vampire in Washington who vowed never to drink blood, Suckless in Seattle. Whatever. All I really knew was that a few of the ladies in my office loved it, and they swore my wife would love it, too.

They were right, but I was wrong to take their advice. The gift was a throw-in, a stocking-stuffer, a last minute pickup from Walgreens, I kid you not. I had bought my wife a sweater, diamond earrings, slippers (which she returned), and a Dyson. I know, a vacuum cleaner is, literally, a sucky present, but she specifically asked for it and loves it to this day, which is more than she might say about me.

But the biggest reaction that Christmas morning was over Twilight. My wife isn’t much of a reader, but this turned out to be the book she had been wanting to read. I’m more of a Harry Potter fan (read: a total Potter geek), which my wife just couldn’t get into. She didn’t understand how a grown man could spend an hour or more a day discussing Horcrux theories, and she thought Twilight would be her turn to really get into something. I had my doubts, so I just bought the first book.

But my wife was really grateful. You know what kind of grateful I’m talking about, right? The “oh, yeah, you’re gonna get some . . . twice” kind of grateful. At that point, Twilight and me were all kinds of copasetic. Then she started reading.

My Wife’s Unholy Vow

Apparently, Edward doesn’t just abstain from drinking blood—he abstains from other things, too. Now, we’re coming up on the outskirts of my knowledge of Twilight. There’s Bella. There’s Edward and Jacob, and both of them have teams. None of them have sex. For three books, no sex. There’s only one other thing I know that happens in the Twilight series, and I’ll unleash that spoiler when I’m good and ready.

But back to my story. On Christmas Day, my wife dove into that book, and I couldn’t have been happier. I got an Xbox and Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. My wife didn’t tell me to stop playing the whole day. Didn’t hear two peeps from her. We were actually an hour late to her parents’ house for dinner because we both got so independently engrossed in our favorite Christmas presents. We didn’t even have time to . . . be grateful to each other.

I figured I’d enjoy a couple thank-you’s at the end of the night, which was enough to keep me going through the dry turkey and awkwardly personal conversations about when we were planning to have kids. I wanted to tell my mother-in-law I’d be working on that as soon as possible, but my wife somehow kept linking every bit of dialog back to Twilight. I probably should have been a bit more interested in that theme, but I had no idea how emotionally connected my wife had become to that story. On the drive home, I found out.

“I don’t want to have sex until Bella does.” After I managed to regain control of the car and swerve back onto the roaI asked my wife to repeat herself. Yup, sounded the same the second time. She wanted to take a vow of chastity, something along the lines of how Edward . . . I don’t know the details. I just know that she was telling me Edward and Bella weren’t doing it, and neither were we until that story arc got resolved. I was so not grateful.

The next day I bought her the second book. And the third. Just in case.

New Moon Resolution

It only took a couple of days for my wife to plow through Twilight, and a few more to make it through the next two installments. I spent most of that time getting really good at Call of Duty, which, if you haven’t tried it, can pretty much quell a man’s desire for sex for a shockingly long time; you just have to shed a lot of imaginary, wi-fi-powered, teenage blood, but it can be done.

Still, I thought it would be a good idea to find out when this vow would end, so I did some Googling. I was not happy to learn that Edward’s chastity could not be compromised through three books of Bella’s longing, nor would Bella succumb to the sexual advances of the werewolf kid. And the fourth book wasn’t even out yet. What the hell? The literary world had failed me, so my only hope was to remind my wife that neither she nor I were vampires. Or werewolves. Or single.

That conversation didn’t go well. She went on and on about me not respecting her boundaries and trying to take away her identity. She made me regret ever having her dress up as Hermione Granger. She brought that one up several times over the months that followed. If I so much as crossed second base she’d just say, “Hermione,” and turn away in a huff.

The ironic thing, though, was that she would get really turned on by these books. It was my understanding all along, and still is, that this was a romance. Call me a caveman, but I thought romance was supposed to lead to sex . . . isn’t that the point?

Apparently not. I mean, we could do stuff. Kissing was okay. Pulling each other close (there was a lot of that) and even getting a little . . . rough was okay. At one point near the end of January, it literally almost killed me.

Shattered

The teases were obscene. For the first couple weeks, it was fine, kinda hot every now and then, but by the end of January I was ready to start up a relationship with the Dyson. The worst part was that my wife was developing a kind of . . . glass fetish.

It started with throwing wine glasses into the fireplace, no big deal. After the second round of that, I realized A) she wasn’t “accidentally” pricking her fingers on the pieces, B) watching your wife lick her own blood off her fingers is not at all sexy. It was then that I decided it was a good idea never to make out near a mirror, china cabinet, or anything with glass. I only wish I had stayed away from the glass coffee table.

She says it was an accident. I had no choice to believer her—really, she made me swear I believed her before she called 911—but there seemed to be the slightest bit of sharpness in her “okay” when I said I didn’t give a shit about Edward or Jacob. Seventeen stitches, a collapsed coffee table, and a transfusion or two later, I had forgiven her. But I let her know in no uncertain terms that the Twilight-inspired make-out sessions were over.

August 2, 2008

It was the first week of February when I found out that the fourth installment would be released in August, which was fitting because every day that followed felt like Groundhog Day. I’d go to work, start rumors about the two morons who recommended Twilight, come home, and play Call of Duty. Because, seriously, my wife and I didn’t talk a whole lot during that time. She kept reading and re-reading that trilogy of terror, I kept playing the dumb video game, and we kept living our separate lives.

About a week before the release I had unlocked the 37th and final achievement badge on COD 4, and I started to allow myself the excitement of anticipating having actual two-person sex again. I happened to come across a news article about the book and a major spoiler revealed from the lips of the author herself! I use an exclamation point because of the nature of the revelation.

And here I say “SPOILER ALERT!!!” in all its all-cap glory, because I learned the very hard, hard, excruciatingly hard way that you don’t under any condition spoil a significant plot point for a Twilight fanatic. I know this because of what I did with the information I picked up from Entertainment effing Weekly.

I called my wife in the middle of the work day. A Tuesday, no less. I figured it would be a good idea to establish some kind of connection before the big day, and what better way than to show an interest in Twilight. “You’ll never guess what I found out today,” I told her.

“What’s that?”

Here I was sure that I was about to transport her into the same level of enraptured glee she felt when I first gave her that bloody book. This was going to bring me back from the island of celibacy. This was the nugget of truth that would make my wife . . . grateful.

Again, SPOILER ALERT . . . I wish I had told my wife that before blurting out, “Bella and Edward get married.”

Dead silence. It felt like five minutes of absolute silence. And then, in the weakest whimper I’ve ever heard my wife utter, “Wh . . . what?”

“Yeah, Stephenie Meyer gave an interview, and she said they definitely get . . .” but I never finished that sentence. I was interrupted by a blood-curdling scream of intermingled wrath and horror. As it turns out, my wife had instituted a total media ban to prevent being subject to even the slightest spoiler. I was the least likely person in the world to violate that ban, or so she thought. And then . . . click. She hung up.

We didn’t talk for several days. She bought the book. She read the book. I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She did, but not to me. If she had been on Team Jacob, I’m pretty confident she would have killed me. Instead she was just angry, but not violently so.

Six nights later, my wife lifted her ban of chastity. No glass was broken. I was grateful. What I didn’t appreciate (and still don’t) was that, whether out of spite or out of fantasy, my wife didn’t thank me during grateful time. Oh no, she called out to Edward. Still does.

I hate you, Twilight. With every ounce of loathing I can summon, I hate you to death.

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652 Comments

  1. Rebecca Reece, 4 years ago Reply

    Nice! I love this! ~RR

    • adultos, 4 years ago Reply

      surprisingly funny article – the glass makeout session is about the time you should have left!

      • lia, 4 years ago Reply

        hell yeah!

      • jessica, 3 years ago Reply

        Wow your an amazing man sounds like you really respect your vows. Your also sooo awesome to care that your wife and your relationship is going down hill!!! She is lucky and I bet she is going to feel really really dumb someday. Just wanted you to know I, a complete stranger, am very proud of you.

        Sincerely,
        A truly middle of the road don’t personally give a damn either way but its good enough to watch twice & read once twilight person

        • Risa, 3 years ago Reply

          dude, seriously, it sounds like something is wrong with your wife’s mental stability.
          you deserve better, you seem like a great man

      • Sophie, 1 year ago Reply

        By her fifty shades this christmas ;)

    • bob, 3 years ago Reply

      This is the most pathetic thing I’ve ever read. You don’t deserve to get laid, you fucking dork.

      • Lark, 3 years ago Reply

        Are you seriously defending this woman? She needs some serious psychiatric help. How long til she decides that drinking her husband’s blood is the next most awesome thing to do?

      • Al Coholic, 2 years ago Reply

        This is the most pathetic history I’ve ever read. No Joke.

        You and your wife deserve each other!!!

    • SL, 3 years ago Reply

      Something seems to be amiss here. You may want to take your wife for psychiatric evaluation.

    • Online TV, 3 years ago Reply

      GET AWAY NOW and be grateful for Twilight only because It made you (should have) realize that your. wife. is. batshit. crazy.

  2. Tweets that mention Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and my life) | It Thing! -- Topsy.com, 4 years ago Reply

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  3. Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife - Movies Fizz, 4 years ago Reply

    [...] There are two kinds of people in this world: those who want to eradicate everything associated with Twilight from the face of the earth and those responsible for polluting the public consciousness with its blood-sucking adolescent melodrama. Read ahead [...]

  4. fake name, 4 years ago Reply

    Please tell me this is a joke. If my wife did this, I think I’d kill myself.

    • donna fugett, 4 years ago Reply

      This woman is clearly a mental case. I like twilight ok enough, but serious, no sex until bella and edward do? REALLY? I mean come on! THEY ARE FICTIONAL PEOPLE. Nothing in this book is even slightly real. And she’s mental about it? Or just mental. I feel sorry for the dude.

      • Cat, 4 years ago Reply

        Give me an EFFING BREAK!! This chick is MENTAL!!! Yes I love the series, yes I talk about it, but to actually live my life around it? NOT! It’s FICTION. It’s a great story! That’s it! Both of you need psychiatric help ASAP!

        • X, 4 years ago Reply

          Pray tell us, why both?

          You’ll say, because he stayed with her.

          I’ll say, love is insane by nature.

          It will be a great exchange.

          • lame, 4 years ago

            Bah you probably didnt even read the books/seen the movie, and saw the hate going on on the internet, and like all the other wankers you jumped the wagon and made up a lame story.
            All of you wouldnt know what todo with your time if they had not made twilight.. You would have nothing to troll about, and would still be saying omg photoshopped or gay as your only comments, now piss off and find some movie you like and talk about that.. And no i dont like twilight much, but its just a book/movie.. Your the ones carrying on about it.. FAGS!

      • chris, 4 years ago Reply

        i actually know several women who did this. my wife, a couple of her friends, my sister, some of my buddies girlfriends… really a lot of women did that chastity thing. i think its part of how twilight has become so hated. aside from all the other issues people have with it

    • megapenguinx, 4 years ago Reply

      Kill myself? I’d probably kill her (or you know just leave her and take everything).

      • Fluffeh, 4 years ago Reply

        And the book, so she’d suffer.

    • cait, 4 years ago Reply

      I hate twilight, I remember my roomate in college spending hours locked in her room.. just coming out to eat and explain how great twilight is and how much she felt like bella. That pretty much turned me off for good. It was about a year later that my sister rented the movie and I was like eh, why not.. I mean I wont say it was as painful to sit through as “the invention of lying” (for anyone who’s suffered through that mess) but it was annoyingly pathetic..period. I found myself having to “get up and get some water” multiple times because some parts were so unbelievably fake and over-acted to the point of legitimate gagging. Granted I haven’t read the book but why would a century old vampire hang around at a high school anyway. I get the whole washington state is rainy and protects Eds sparkly dermis.. but If you were a 100 year old vampire.. you’d really fart around some rural high school, swooning over an tweeny emo brat – not because you like her, but because her blood smells delicious? This is how it really ended: The Cullens are arrested on charges of homicide and pedophilia after killing a young teen girl in the middle of the woods in a satanic-like ceremony. Later, they would be institutionalized under the belief that they are vampires, when in reality they were diagnosed with hemophilia as young children forever obsessed with blood and its properties. Also, Edward would come out to his psychiatrist in the final installment. Now back to this post, please get a divorce. I agree the book and everything along with it is absolutely terrible and promotes women acting like losers, but your wife went far above and beyond.. I don’t want to imagine if you have a child and she starts reading lord of the flies…

    • Peter, 4 years ago Reply

      Kill yourself, are you nuts?! Maybe kill her and get another wife or a hooker!!!

      This is just absurd, this must be a joke.

  5. dick dastardly, 4 years ago Reply

    LOL!

    • Mike, 4 years ago Reply

      I agree with you Dick Dastardly.
      Funny STORY.
      The remarks are even funnier.

  6. Will, 4 years ago Reply

    I am sorry but your wife is obsessed. It is a book for crying out loud. I think you better man an ultimatum soon and let see how she fares with her fantasy. I am sorry this is just dad. How can you be losing to a book.

    • Casey J, 4 years ago Reply

      That is simple, the book gave her the love and hope she wanted…while he was just a misunderstanding guy….guess he couldn’t tell she was reaching out for love

      • the Dude, 4 years ago Reply

        I hope you’re kidding.

      • I disagree, 4 years ago Reply

        Reaching out for love does not include pushing away and alienating your husband, unless you want a divorce to start with.

      • wow, you're wrong., 4 years ago Reply

        The level of how much you are wrong is astronomical. You need to wear a helmet for your daily activities dont you?

      • X, 4 years ago Reply

        How often do you fall down in an average day? Just curious.

      • Bob, 4 years ago Reply

        i hope you never have kids for fear of the retard it will spread.

        • tweyelite 4evrrrnot, 2 years ago Reply

          BAHahahaha
          I totally agree. Scary.

      • SH, 4 years ago Reply

        Your response would have been more intelligent if you had just said “DURRRR” and smashed your face against the keyboard a few times.

      • Pixelmovement, 4 years ago Reply

        Well played, Casey.

      • Excuuuuse Me?, 4 years ago Reply

        You must be joking. I can, in an almost sick and twisted way, understand the vow of chastity thing. Not something I’d ever do but hey to each their own. However she not only teased her HUSBAND with make-out sessions, getting him hot and bothered with a serious case of blue-balls, when she knew she wouldn’t be giving him relief but she also PURPOSEFUllY harmed herself and her husband just to see the blood because blood is a major part of Twilight. To top it all off when she finally lifts the sex ban she calls out a fictional character’s name while in bed with her husband.

        If a wife or husband were to call out the name of an ex or coworker in bed they’d be skinned alive by their spouse but it’s okay to call out the name of someone who’s a fictional character after months of denying your spouse sex?

        Hun that’s not reaching out for love, that is a sign of serious mental issues that need to be addressed.

      • Dan M, 4 years ago Reply

        Epic troll is epic.

        /golf clap

      • Completely shocked, 4 years ago Reply

        You are a fucking idiot. Clearly the wife was obsessive, but also selfish. How does she justify neglecting her husband while holding his Harry Potter obsession against him at the same time? Twilight has done nothing but give stupid people an absurd medium to divide themselves further. Team Edward and Team Jacob? Give me a fucking break. Stephanie Meyer is nothing more than a lonely housewife who got tired of writing fanfics. She is by no means a great author, and anyone who thinks so has all the literary knowledge of Sloth from the Goonies.

        • Awesome, 4 years ago Reply

          SLOTH LOVE TRILIGHT!! GO TEAM JACOB!

          • ROTFL!, 3 years ago

            And THAT my good friend, is what I hear when any dumb fucking Twilight fan opens their god forsaken face hole!

            I read the first book, once. then saw the first movie, once. After which canceled my order of the second book, seeing as the movie was so horrid that it ruined the semi interesting book I had just read and any pile of crap on pages that could have possible followed (unless a civilization of robo-nazis came down from the sparkly heaven above and slaughtered every character in only the brutal and tasteless ways imaginable before burning their corpses in the very furnace they use to roast their s’mores over).

            Not to mention that I was only attempting to get into the series because my girlfriend did the whole celibacy BS with me too, I just went with it and paid it back ten fold when the ban on sex was lifted. Which I was not too shocked that she ran off to screw any Twilight fan in the town after dragging out her dry spell for another 6 months.

            I feel a fraction of this guys hate, I’d say 78% easy.

      • Cassey, you are retarded, 3 years ago Reply

        any person that lets a FICTIONAL book take over their marraige and how she treats her husband is a complete psycho. she physically harmed herself and her husband and spent time to convince him that she wasnt crazy before calling the paramedics to give her 17 STICHES. The woman is fucking crazy and this dude is an idiot for not leaving her. I do not know any man who is going to take the excuse of not being laid for months on end because of a fucking twilight book. if their were actual REAL reasons for it then that is one thing, but for twilight?? come one, this guy is an idiot. The woman is not expressing her ‘love’ in some way through this book and if cassey thinks so then i want to see how it turns out when she tells her bf/husband they arent having sex because some book characters arent and when she starts cutting herself to suck her own blood. Once she does that lets see how much longer the relationship lasts. You are a complete and utter dumbass for even making this comment cassey.

  7. BEE, 4 years ago Reply

    Poor guy.
    Should have divorced her after she proclaim that ‘celibacy’ thingy.

  8. Dude, 4 years ago Reply

    Look, yes the Twilight series is crap, designed to wet the quim of pre pubescent virgins across the globe, however as far as you are concerned the killer is in the last bit of your tale.

    You knew that she loved this story, you knew that she didn’t know the ending and had made a emotional commitment to the story in the same way anyone does when they are absorbed by a mythology, what made you think it was OK to piss all over her enjoyment.

    My Wife liked the potter books and it would have been just mean to tell her that Dumbledore died in the same way I would have been devastated if someone told me that Frodo went off on the elf ship.

    Have you considered the possibility that the reason you almost lost your wife is that you are an inconsiderate, insensitive shit bag who doesn’t deserve her?

    • eric, 4 years ago Reply

      holy crap! you are insane!! I would have burned the books and filed for divorce then told her how the story ended. who the hell are you to call anyone an inconsiderate shitbag?

    • real, 4 years ago Reply

      It was an accident, “shitbag.”

    • Dude Sucks Dick, 4 years ago Reply

      Dude go fuck yourself please.
      You seem to be like the kind of guy who wears the skirts around the house.
      The dude was telling his story and his wife was being a god damned child with this bullshit, now if I were the story teller, I would have given the woman an ultimatum and tell to give up the taco or gtfo.

      • Hank no Brains, 4 years ago Reply

        WTF!!! If that what they call marriage, everyone should jump ship. GTFO!!!

    • Tammy, 4 years ago Reply

      Uhhm I think she doesnt deserve him! He sounds like a normal guy with the desire for sex and the lady… shes physco. And yea he spoiled it big woop life goes on but her restraning from sex is uncalled for its not like shes a virgin (like bella im asumeing) and she is just messed up in the head. And I think your missing the main point. Its not about him spoiling it its about her being an inconsiderate, insensitive shit bag.

      • Masterson, 4 years ago Reply

        You mean, she was being Bella?
        Hateful loathsome manipulative shallow cock tease of a whore

    • the Dude, 4 years ago Reply

      grow a pair. That guy was more than understanding. In fact he should have gotten her some psychiatric help. Clearly she has issues. you my friend are an idiot.

    • Douchehunter, 4 years ago Reply

      You sir are the trolliest troll that ever did troll

    • Hank no Brains, 4 years ago Reply

      Dude…you have a poor understanding of what was really going on. You could care less about the marriage at stake and more for defending or protecting a twilight book’s damn story line.

      The man was clearly excited that he could finally be with his woman again. Yet, you, Dude, are siding with the teenage-minded wife.

      The husband could have done worse things like have an affair with a prostitute named Dasani–like the drink. He could have left her completely. Instead, he jumped the gun and spoiled fiction!

      • Actually.., 4 years ago Reply

        actually, not even spoiled. I’ve read the books, and they get married in like the third chapter. :P

    • WHAAAAT?, 4 years ago Reply

      WHAT DUMBELDORE DIES????!!!??!
      AAAANNNDDD FRODO WENT OFF ON THE ELF SHIP?!!!

      I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD RUIN THE ENDING OF BOTH OF THOSE STORIES FOR ME!!

      How dare you piss all over my enjoyment shitbag!

    • wow, you're wrong., 4 years ago Reply

      Wow, you’re even more wrong than the previous girl before you. You need to sit in the corner and think about your life and how wrong it is.

      • somechick, 4 years ago Reply

        it sounds like the guy learned his lesson about spoilers.

        it also sounds like his wife needs some therapy or something. any person who chooses to shut out the real people in their life in order to live in some fantasy world obviously has serious issues.

        • Aunya, 4 years ago Reply

          have you ever heard of the game World of Warcraft?? This ain’t the first thing like this to happen. Twilight is for middle aged women what gaming is to most boys/men.
          That being said twilight is stupid, vampires don’t sparkle they burst into flames and I wish a slow painful death on Stephanie Meyers for this literary dribble she polluted our world with. Die Bitch.

          • kurisu7885, 4 years ago

            Actually, vampires can go out in the sun, however it irritates them and diminishes their power.

            However they sure as fuck don’t sparkle.

    • K, 4 years ago Reply

      …Dumbledore died?

    • rational_roma, 4 years ago Reply

      Dude, yours is the only comment here that makes any sense. This guy is a jerk. However, the woman in question IS a loon. These people are far better off not being married and luckily have not procreated.

      • luke1608, 4 years ago Reply

        And you sir are an imbecile of gigantic proportions, if his wife had been a virgin (which it would seem she is blatantly not) then it would have been an understandable and possible even acceptable link between her and a character she is obsessed with. It’s quite obvious that she wanted to in a way become Bella by having sex when she did the flaw being that she took into account when she would have read the about Bella having sex and not the actual date when she does. The writer is not in anyway in the wrong and I applaud him for hanging on when most people would have claimed for divorce and been able to probably get away with everything of value. So by claiming the the writer is in the wrong you are in fact showing yourself to be an insensitive bastard as you cannot relate to the obviously mentally and physically scarring damage he was receiving from the relationship.

        On another not I have actually read the twilight series (I refuse to call it a saga as it implies that the books are in some way epic in scope and literal talent) and found the to be the most piss awful examples of literary talent that have ever had the good fortune to be published. The characters are two dimensional and are incredibly boring in every way. Bella is made out to be plain and ordinary when in fact she is perfect in every way (if your a misogynist looking for a wife) which is badly hidden behind the clumsiness which isn’t a character flaw, she is also whiny and treats her friends, her parents and Jacob like complete dirt. Also if shes so plain and average why the hell does she have like 4 guys fall in love with her in the first 50 pages. Okay I was gunna point out all the general shitness of Twilight but I can’t be assed at the moment, but I’ll leave you with a fun fact that when Edward says that he has been watching Bella sleep for 2 months she has in fact only been in Forks for 1, peace out and read some better books.

    • Omega, 4 years ago Reply

      @ Dude…? You’re an idiot. To have your wife implement something that she read into her marriage life, ” no sex till Blla has sex” is the most moronic thing I have ever heard in my life.

      Again youre an idiot.

    • WAIT WHAT, 4 years ago Reply

      FRODO WENT ON THE ELF SHIP? GODDAMNIT, MY LIFE IS PAIN

    • mc hammered, 4 years ago Reply

      yea she seems just as bitter as dude would be if someone told him that frodo starting blowing all the elves in faggy elf land and moaning samwise gamgees name while he was being taken from behind. lord of the rings is 3 movies about a long walk. star wars 4 eva

    • Stretchyboy, 4 years ago Reply

      Your wife does you with a strap on doesn’t she?

    • Michaela, 4 years ago Reply

      Alright, now starting with this quote:
      “My Wife liked the potter books and it would have been just mean to tell her that Dumbledore died in the same way I would have been devastated if someone told me that Frodo went off on the elf ship.”
      YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE REALLY FAR BEHIND TO NOT KNOW ANY OF THAT!

      Okay, what on earth is your problem? In anycase she doesn’t desever him, my (nonexsistent) god! Alright, what if your wife did this, I am certain you wouldn’t be singing the same tune.

      ps. No shoot Dumbledore was going/did (to) die, I’m a lot younger than you and I saw that one coming.

    • Ben, 4 years ago Reply

      It’s quite clear by the end of the third book that they are going to get married. Her response is a complete over reaction to an extremely minor and overtly obvious event

    • Anon, 4 years ago Reply

      You know what? I had to wait to read the 6th harry potter book because my older brother got to read it first. I managed to stay away from spoilers until the day I finally got to read it. I had to go to an event with a large number of people, and as I was excitedly telling my friends that I got to read it, someone said to me “Dumbledore Dies”.

      While upset for a day, I then promptly got over myself, BECAUSE IT’S A BOOK.

    • Devon, 4 years ago Reply

      Making an emotional commitment to a book is a sign of emotional instability. Be it fiction, non-fiction or something in between, it is still text and should not be the focus of an “emotional commitment.” Your defense of the behavior with this argument is disappointing at best.

      That said, has it occurred to anyone that this tale may be a satirical commentary on the obsession of so many “Twihards?”

    • Crystal, 4 years ago Reply

      Way to tell everyone that Dumbledore dies and Frodo goes off on the elf ship.

    • Rubedo, 3 years ago Reply

      Really? You’re still with her after that?
      She’s very obviously mentally ill and in need of some kind of treatment, but I would still run like hell.
      and to all those (I know I saw at least one) that would blame HIM for this. He bought it to give her something nice for christmas on the recommendation of some friends. How is it his fault if, while in the past he’d asked some things out of her (that she, whether grudgingly or not, agreed to), she teases him to no end and then treats him like crap when he makes a move. We’re men, when teased, we go, if we’re not supposed to, then hey, DON’T TEASE US. He’s lucky to be alive, she needs help, it’s as simple as that.

    • ..., 3 years ago Reply

      queer

  9. Ajay, 4 years ago Reply

    Its splendid..superb

  10. Shepton, 4 years ago Reply

    Okay, so, your wife became dangerously obsessed with Twilight, started injuring herself and breaking things, severely injured you, denied you sex because of a fictional character in a book, completely derailed your married life, and… You didn’t get her professional help and/or a divorce?

    You’re worse than your stupid wife.

    • JUSTIN, 4 years ago Reply

      Shepton you nailed that one!!! You know how do bull shit stories like these make to the internet….did this guy really think everyone was going to be pissed off at his wife for him??? F*** man you just threw away your last ounce of dignity!!!!

    • Shannon, 4 years ago Reply

      Concur. Fully.

  11. BS76, 4 years ago Reply

    High satire is easily confused with real news/stories. I applaud the author for such a good job. We all know a real man wouldn’t tolerate such behavior from a grown woman and would put a stop to it post haste, doubly so if she’s neglecting wifely duties and putting the relationship at risk over mere fantasy literature meant for 12 year old girls.

    • MCM1976, 4 years ago Reply

      I am thinking that maybe you should not have had her dress up as Hermoine! Ha ha ha! Just kidding! But seriously, it sounds like those people are caught up too much in video games, books, and not each other…

  12. Euphorium, 4 years ago Reply

    you sir, should’ve got a divorce. Any woman (or wife in you case) who would deprive her significant other of sexual intercourse due to a fantastical book written for teenagers needs to have her mental health evaluated by a psychiatrist. Not only did she cut you off from sex, you essentially cut off your manhood. Please don’t let your only course of action be to write this pathetic article, if anything after you show the world how superficial and spiteful your wife is, you should write a follow up telling the world how you regrew your balls and dumped the bitch.

    • Indeed, 4 years ago Reply

      i agree. i have read most of the books and argue often that they are incredibley stupid in many of the themes. good books, but perpetuating retardation. lord help this man find a new woman cuase that one sucks.

      • generationnext, 4 years ago Reply

        I don’t know about anyone else, but those books aren’t good at all. I read them, and they are the most predictable, cliche books I’ve ever seen. Only people who don’t read enough like that kind of stupid gay vampire series.

        Anne Rice is the best writer for a vampire series, hands down.

  13. Jeremy, 4 years ago Reply

    If this is at all true, you sir are a chump.

    • Casey J, 4 years ago Reply

      well put

  14. RM, 4 years ago Reply

    LOLOL!!!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!

    Brilliant! Great story… :D

  15. Joseph, 4 years ago Reply

    Dude, grow some balls, idiot.

  16. asdfjkl, 4 years ago Reply

    This is clearly fake…. No self-respecting human being would allow their life to be so easily controlled and manipulated by a book series. By that, I’m referring to the guy. Clearly, your woman has lost her fucking shit if she is prioritizing a book about vampires (or anything, for that matter) over her significant other. You went without sex for MONTHS BECAUSE OF A VAMPIRE BOOK?

    I don’t buy it… kind of a funny read though, good job.

  17. sornie, 4 years ago Reply

    I hate it too!!!!!

  18. JUSTIN, 4 years ago Reply

    Dude are you guys that couple from MTV….whats it called something about teen marriage or getting married young…..what ever, the point is…..The two of you need to grow the F*** up…….. Making your wife dress up like a story book character….wtf is wrong with you??? and now your complaining that she calls out edwards name??? you brought this on yourself you idiot….

    • MarStar, 4 years ago Reply

      Some of us ladies like to play dress up… hooray for role play!

  19. Mojojojo, 4 years ago Reply

    This has to be fiction. Has to be. Or else if I were you I would have grown some balls and told her to rejoin the real world or find somewhere else to live. Thats what it boils down to bro. For real.

    Entertaining for 5 mins nonetheless.

  20. viralviralvideos.com, 4 years ago Reply

    I don’t know about you but I am sick of all these vampire movies! They have taken over the Sci Fi Genre. vampires are not sci fi. They are fantasy!

    ps. Is that geek enough for ya?

    • Airaloske, 4 years ago Reply

      no, you’re just a retard. nobody said Twilight was sci-fi, tardass. It is firmly placed in the Young Adult Romance section. and btw when you have to tell people that you’re trying to sound geeky then you’re probably trying too hard. you’d better just kill yourself right now; even the trekkies think you’re lame.

      In any case the stupid books aren’t even toilet-paper quality. I’d be surprised if it made for good kindling.

  21. David, 4 years ago Reply

    the sad thing is, i can see this actually happening somewhere.

  22. Chris, 4 years ago Reply

    Unfortunately, the book (and thus the author) wasn’t the problem, but rather it sounds like your wife is dissociative. Dissociation has its benefits and drawbacks, and obviously this case was one hell of a serious drawback.

    Dissociation allows “loosing one’s self” to a movie or a book, or emulating another personality or behavior; it also allows a personality to “hide” from unwanted events. Unfortunately it also means that you can “not be yourself” sometimes, too.

    Taken far enough, dissociation can be diagnosed as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), otherwise known as DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). MPD/DID is actually a lot more common than most people think (I’ve seen estimates that as much as 20% of the population has some form of it), and can easily go hidden and undiscovered indefinitely in most cases. I happen to live with someone who has been diagnosed with MPD/DID and ADMITS it, at which point it can be handleable. In other words, she sometimes has similar awkward behavior [how could she not, she's got > 50 personalties], but we both know WHY and thus she’s understandable (relatively, anyway), and thankfully she’s willing to discuss these issues at length. It’s when you DON’T know you have it that it’s a real problem, because then you’re probably having to deal with all of the denial and slow learning process of what the hell is going on.

    Assuming your wife is dissociative and/or has MPD/DID, O believe it is something that can be dealt with. Start by discussing it with her and see what she thinks. I’m not recommending any particular analysis or therapy, as how you want to handle it depends on the situation.

    If you go the therapy route, be warned that the typical recommended therapy for MPD/DID is “integration” which involves trying to merge all of a person’s personalities into one single personality. This has some drawbacks as well, as there’s no way to merge personalities that are opposite. Most multiples have personalities of mixed gender, for instance. So how do you merge a sweet female personality with a strong-willed intense male one? You get the idea. Integration is not always the best way to go. When my partner was given the choice she opted out of integration therapy for that reason.

    Hopefully you’ll be able to work out this issue together so that you can both come to an understanding of it and thus figure out how to best deal with it.

    Either way I’m sorry you had to go through this — wow that must have sucked. Good luck.

    • Julie, 4 years ago Reply

      I’d like to point out that your above statement has a lot of problems. This man’s wife does not suffer from DID, if it exists at all (as outlined in the DSM, anyway).

      Quote:

      “Dissociation allows “loosing one’s self” to a movie or a book, or emulating another personality or behavior; it also allows a personality to “hide” from unwanted events. Unfortunately it also means that you can “not be yourself” sometimes, too.”

      Dissociation doesn’t mean “losing one’s self” to a fictional character (or characters, as it appears to be in this gentleman’s case) at all. Multiple personalities are regarded to be facets of the affected person, kind of like a shattered mirror. They may emulate a certain personalities or behavior, but that identity is generally not an actual, real-life person. For instance, a child is repeatedly subjected to physical violence. They may develop an identity that randomly appears to segment off the memories. The identity may be something like an large, violent, aggressive person. Or it may be a well-adjusted, happy child.

      DID patients are often convinced they have it by both suggestions of their own psychiatrist/therapist and false memories. Often the patient is dealing with a different disorder altogether.

      And of course there are those who believe the illness does not exist at all.

      Either way, this man’s wife is not suffering from multiple personality/dissociative identity disorder.

      She is somehow ill, but I would take any suggestion that this woman suffers from DID with a (very very large) grain of salt.

  23. Missy, 4 years ago Reply

    I love this satire. It sums up the plague that is known as Twilight. The author made my day!

    • Mike, 4 years ago Reply

      Missy I agree with you.
      I found this article to be entertaining.
      I do not know if this was a work of fiction or not, but I do know that the writer has provoked a lot of responses.
      Well done Sir!
      I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that all of the guys that made a comment about “Growing a pair and dumping the bitch” are either not married or in a loveless one.
      “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

  24. MNR, 4 years ago Reply

    Both of the people in the story are idiots, just like the characters in Twilight the series.

  25. Raine Genderon, 4 years ago Reply

    Dude, I hope this is a joke… Seriously. I understand though. My husband is jealous of Doctor Who, as I have a major obsession with the Doctor (Ten, not Eleven). I always joke that I’m going to run away in the TARDIS.

  26. Prime, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow, I can’t believe you didn’t leave her when she said the celibacy thing. Honestly, that’s enough for a judge to give you most of your possessions. She would be living in a van down by the river reading that stupid ass story. And to the guy who mentioned upsetting her, are you serious? She would have sex because of A BOOK. I hope you are exaggerating, colebenjamin

  27. Frankie, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow is that for real? I wouldv’e dropped the “Your a married woman” bomb on her. Your half of our relationship is absenmt. WTF, Sorry to hear all this if it’s in fact true. Maybe get some fake blood, or cherry flavored blood and make a fantsy come true for her. Maybe it’ll spark it back to normal. WOW

  28. dolphin_64, 4 years ago Reply

    I’ve seen all three movies, so far, and not read any of the books. I’m not obsessed with the Twilight Saga. The same with the Harry Potter it goes on and on. There is no book, on the face of this earth that I would or story/ fairly tale that I would put before a man. I enjoyed the movies, and the music score’s. One must know the difference between reality and fantasy. I would rather sit and watch the Superbowl any given Sunday with my man!!!!

    • nicedoggy, 3 years ago Reply

      Wow. A woman who would watch the superbowl with her man instead of twilight. What a lucky guy, and what a great gal! :)

  29. Leah, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow I am so sorry, as a twilight fan myself uhhh I never was like this. Pure insanity. Its a book. A BOOK! I hope things are better now for you and your wife

  30. patti, 4 years ago Reply

    Sounds like the wife is a little nuts.

  31. Jessica, 4 years ago Reply

    Your wife sounds like a complete idiot.

  32. Jessica, 4 years ago Reply

    Is your wife a 12 year old virgin?

  33. Windy, 4 years ago Reply

    I really enjoyed this LOL. I have read the books and waited anxiously for the last book , ( I bought all the first 3 at the same time ).I however did not get that obsessed with it and I have gone to see the movies. No licking my blood or any sort of odd behaviors. I do feel for the families that have to endure a “Twilight” obsession , thank god I don’t have teen age daughters LOL. Thank you for making me laugh this morning.

  34. kat, 4 years ago Reply

    I highly doubt she was witholding sex cuz of the books. I’d come up with lame excuses to keep from having sex with this immature child of a husband too. He so obviously doesn’t have a clue on what women want.

    • lolwut, 4 years ago Reply

      I’m a woman, and I can tell you, sex > Twilight. Every. Single. Time. I read the books. I wanted to like them at least a little bit, but the Bella-Edward dynamic is so unhealthy, and Bella herself is a weak, easily manipulated idiot. Twilight is an atrocity against literature.

      Then again, I’m the kind of girl who’s more likely to play Call of Duty with my man.

      • kurisu7885, 4 years ago Reply

        I salute you miss. I’ve seen too many videos and such of girlfriends smashing their boyfriends gaming machines to pieces out of jealousy, however these boyfriends are expected to do everything their girlfriends want.

        Good of you to pick up the controller and enjoy it together with your man.

  35. Marcus Baker, 4 years ago Reply

    Now, I know that I probably should read the entirety of the forum before posting my concern, but, honestly, I am an over trolled man in a sea of troll spit. That aside, I worry about your wife, sir. There is a third type of person in regards to that damn ‘vampire’ story. Those that tried to absorb enough to understand what all of the women (co workers, loved ones, etc.) were friggin talking about. I am of this ilk. My wife is (almost) of the love it troupe. She is, however, a casual entertainer of whimsy, not, if you will pardon the term, Goddamn crazy. Now, I understand that you have here a small picture of what you experienced of your spouse’s obsession. Breaking glass and BEGGING you to believe that it was an accident… cutting ones self (however slightly) to lick away the blood, and drastically altering your life in a way that impacts the ones you share your life with, for an Adolescent Fairy tail romance novel… well, sir, that is a sign of being unwell. Mentally. I know this, because I am a Mental Health Professional. My professional opinion is that your wife needs to seek counseling. And I suspect this is not the first thing in her life that would lead one to suspect that. ~M

  36. trescjl, 4 years ago Reply

    LMAO…SERIOUSLY DUDE…I CANT BELIEVE MY EARS OR MY EYES WHEN I READ YOUR STORY AND BELIEVE IT WAS VERY GOOD READ….YOUR WIFE HELD OUT ON YOU FOR THAT LONG…DAMN…YOUR HANDS MUST BE ACHING FROM LOVING YOURSELF FOR ALL THAT TIME AND IM SURE YOU THOUGHT THAT THOSE COLLEGE DAYS WERE OVE…LOL..BUT SERIOUSLY YOU SHOULD HAVE REMINDED HER OF HER VOW TO YOU AS MAN AND WIFE YOU HAD TO TRY SOMETHING TO STONE WALL HER OR TELL HER THAT IF SHE DOESNT CHANGE THOSE WAYS YOU WHERE GONNA TAKE THE DYSON …LOL. SHE NEEDS TO GROW UP AND LIVE IN THE WORLD OF THE HERE AND NOW AND YOU NEED TO STAND UP LIKE A DAMN MAN AND TAKE HOLD OF THE DAMN SITUATION….YOU BOTH NEED A TIME OUT IN CORNER TO THINK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO YOURSELVES.

  37. Chris, 4 years ago Reply

    Your wife is insane. No grown woman should ever act like that. She needs help.

  38. M, 4 years ago Reply

    “There are two kinds of people in this world: …” – what a BULLSHIT -)) I really don’t know what is this stuff and I don’t give a shit, if it exist or not. Get real guys, grow up, finally!

    • wtf, 4 years ago Reply

      what are you even saying? do you speak english? seriously?

  39. Dude......, 4 years ago Reply

    Is this for real??? How can you even call this relationship a marriage? It’s absolutely bizarre. How old are these people? I would swear they were no more than 15 years old. Do you live in Utah? I’m glad there are no children stemming from this “union.” That would be an absolute train wreck.

  40. YiggyPow, 4 years ago Reply

    Dude, Twilight is AMAZING!

    Lou
    http://www.web-anonymity.au.tc

  41. Wouldnt You LIke To Know, 4 years ago Reply

    Alright, I’ll give it to you that that blood thing was dangerously close to the line of looney-town.

    You should have found her some Twilight FanFiction to read. It’s nothing BUT sex it seems.

  42. Aimee, 4 years ago Reply

    I think your wife has emotional issues. We all fixate on certain things, but her obsession seems unhealthy. You were very insensitive to tell her the spoiler alert however. It would be nice if you could find things that you both enjoy doing as a couple (besides the obvious) – ie. going for long walks, watching movies that you BOTH enjoy together, occasionally going on vacation, etc. Good luck with the marriage, and thanks for the story! I loved it! P.S. My Boyfriend is also a Call of Duty addict! He loves it! He plays Call of Duty and I go on Facebook. We all have our things! :)

  43. J, 4 years ago Reply

    My questions are… a) how long did this guy go without having sex with his wife? b) Isn’t it great that the book series never insinuated that she did harm to a pet or, worse, a person? c) I would divorce a woman who did something like that. This situation gives you a pretty good idea of how potentially dangerous a person can become when immersed in a world of fantasy. Would you divorce such a person?

  44. LovEtWilighT, 4 years ago Reply

    I happen to LOVE LOVE LOVE Twilight. But no way would I EVER hold out and not have s e x… because 1.) I am not a teenage virgin like Bella and Edward.. and 2.) I am not dating a hundred year old boy with very old fashioned values… And neither is this guy’s wife! These people are already married. lol. She should have done what all of us 30-something women have been doing, and that is using Twilight as a vessel and a tool to SPICE up our love lives!! But refrain from calling your man Edward ladies!! hahahaha..

  45. Lyn, 4 years ago Reply

    Seriously I am a girl and think she is crazy. I mean the celibacy is for so long is crazy unless you are in a bad marriage to begin with and even in those they have sex at least once with in 9 months. I think you should have told 911 that she probably throw herself into the coffee table and other crazy behavior cause then she would have been in the looney bin and you would have gotten a speedy divorce.
    Honestly you can still get a divorce if you want because if you can claim you think she is having an affair because she screams out another guy’s name in bed.

    If this is just a joke then it is a good story.

    • jazz, 4 years ago Reply

      I have to agree with you because that is taking fanatasy to a whole another level. She really seem very cray to me or there is definitely something else wrong in the marriage…hope it works out in the end.
      Divorce is not cool.

  46. Dan, 4 years ago Reply

    Is your wife nine years old? If so, she is completely normal and I wouldn’t worry about her. She will grow out of it when she gets to high school.

  47. Phyllis, 4 years ago Reply

    I laughed at this article until I was sick. Have sent the link to several family members and will send it out from my website. It is just too dang funny not to share.

  48. aestrada, 4 years ago Reply

    I loved reading this….. thought it to be very entertianing

  49. Lisa, 4 years ago Reply

    I love the books and movies but your wife needs help. If I were you I’d leave her and find somebody stable.

  50. Pooface, 4 years ago Reply

    BUT – men constantly look at porn and ignore their wives for it, and that’s OK?

    • Weez, 4 years ago Reply

      you’re wrong

      ask any heterosexual guy, anywhere, and he’ll prefer real sex to porn any day.

    • Mike, 4 years ago Reply

      WOW,
      Someone needs a hug.

    • Knowlege-is-power, 3 years ago Reply

      The first thing you need to realize is that men and women have different sexual “triggers” –

      MEN
      most men are more sexually stimulated by what they see than by other things, although I’ve rarely ever heard of a man pushing away his significant other because of porn. The vast majority of men only use porn as a filler if our significant other is physically/emotionally/mentally unable, I use that word only because I can’t think of a more fitting one, to have sex with us.
      (Oh and just to make a point, the amount of women who do watch porn is somewhere north of 20%)

      WOMEN
      most women on the other hand are most stimulated by emotions and getting lost/involved in the story (i.e. the way his hands would feel roaming all over your body, his fingertips finding those spots on your body that you didn’t know you had making you purr and moan) This is not to say that women can’t be stimulated visually, its actually very common (ever exchanged that look with your girlfriends when you all see a hot guy? the look that is sometimes accomplished by that thing where you fan yourselves?).

      It all needs to be taken with a grain of salt not all men/women will fit the standard but many will.

  51. Pooface, 4 years ago Reply

    Oh – but I hate Twilight so I don’t stand up for the bad wife in this story.

  52. GramKin, 4 years ago Reply

    ROFL! That is the funniest thing ever.Here I was thinking that this is a children s book, but there seem to be more adults into this than kids…
    They really are too intense in that movie…

    Funny

  53. Naw Naem, 4 years ago Reply

    DUDE…There is something seriously wrong with your relationship if she wasnt giving it up because of a fantasy-book character.

    Do you have kids? If so, stay until the youngest is 18 then GTFO!

    If not, you need to either:
    A: GTFO; the only sane thing to do, or
    B: Get her hooked on soap operas. Everybody in the “stories” is doing the dirty. Of course, since her heroes will now be soap stars, forget about fidelity from her…

    You poor schmuck!

  54. Matt, 4 years ago Reply

    You played Call of Duty while your wife dreamed of 17 year olds… sounds like every other marriage.

  55. (News) Twilight ruined my life! (spoilers inside), 4 years ago Reply

    [...] Twilight ruined my life! (spoilers inside) Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and my life) | It Thing! Wow. I think that couple has more issue than trying to blame a trilogy/movie. Note: THERE BE [...]

  56. trisha, 4 years ago Reply

    AllI can say is as i read the books all i wanted was to have hard rough sex. Sounds like she was just in love with Edward and was fantasizing about him not her husband. Wow shes a crazy one…LOL Poor guy

  57. Gabriel, 4 years ago Reply

    If this is real, and I hope to God that it isn’t, let me help out the author with a bit of advice. It’s simple advice, so simple that it boils down to one word. Here’s how you spell it: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

    Seriously, dude, only you could talk about what sounds to be the Queen of all Twitards and end up looking even stupider than her. My wife and I love each other, have a great relationship, been married for 3 years, etc. She kinda likes those books but isn’t crazy about them. If she had told me that she was going to base our actual relationship on the relationship on the Twilight characters, to the point that she began cutting herself, it would be the fastest (and easiest) divorce in history. Your wife is clearly a mentally ill basket case and why on Earth you would out yourself as the most pathetic pu**ywhipped man in the world is beyond me.

    Embarrassing. That was so embarrassing that I’m embarrassed to have read it. I can’t imagine what it must be like to actually live your miserable life. Pray to God that Mormon hack Stephanie Meyer never writes another book in her life. I can only imagine the kind of crap your wife will put you through because you’re too much of an incredible wimp to stand up for yourself. Have some self-respect for God’s sake!

    • MIke, 4 years ago Reply

      Amen!

    • kurisu7885, 4 years ago Reply

      She’s making enough off the wannabe goth kids buying this crap that she probably won’t write another book.

      If so she better keep her grimy hands out of mythology the rest of her job.

  58. Angeleyes4914, 4 years ago Reply

    wow I think your wife needs a shrink! Thats taking it wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to far!

  59. Kiba, 4 years ago Reply

    Take your wife to counceling. Seriously. DO it. What’s going on with your wife isn’t healthy for any relationship. You might as well just leave her right now.

    • MCM1976, 4 years ago Reply

      What about his obsession with Harry Potter and Call of Duty? There was a breakdown BEFORE Twilight came into the house…. Someone who would be online discussing Harry Potter for hours and hours instead of giving his wife attention and wanting her to dress as Hermoine has had the shoe put on the other foot! Ha ha h aha!

      • hanna, 2 years ago Reply

        Since my last boyfriend left me I have felt so lonely. I wished for my heart to be filled with love and happiness and priestoflovespell did that! after his spell, I met the perfect guy and I was promoted next day at work! It seems that the Gods are smiling at me and priestoflovespell has been the reason why. I will be priestoflovespell@yahoo.com faithful follower for ever. Hanna, UK

  60. Edward, 4 years ago Reply

    WHATTTT!!?! You broke our pact of celibacy for this guy? But… you assured me the marriage was dissolving?… Beach!! I should’ve slurped that blood right out of you!

  61. aaron, 4 years ago Reply

    You both sound like the most immature couple of people I have ever read about. YOU ARE A PATHETIC FOOL, for staying with this psycho bitch. I hope she kills you both.

  62. sean, 4 years ago Reply

    Is your wife’s name Shelley?

  63. IH8Bella, 4 years ago Reply

    Satire or no satire, there is truth to this…I present to you the story of a married Twi-hard trying to live out her own delusional fantasy of being Bella and falling for a married man, their first date was ‘New Moon’. The first night the four of us were at a party together, she loaned him the books. He read them and immediately joined the delusional mindset that all twi-hards fall into when they become emotionally connected to that evil, evil collection of words, and became convinced that she was his Bella.

    One problem, she saw him as her Jacob.

    I was asked for a divorce.

    She rejected him for not being her Edward.

    She asked her hubby for a divorce.

    Wheel of morality turn, turn, turn, tell us what lesson that we should learn….

    Its a fucking work of fiction that some people try to live out because their lives are in some way unfulfilling to them. This piece was fantastic. Spoke very much to the truth of the delusional state these books do actually bring out in its fans. Cost me and a good buddy a good chunk of our sanity and…well…our marriages. Fuck Twilight.

  64. shannon, 4 years ago Reply

    ummm I like Twilight and on But come on, A sure fire way to get nookie from your wife with a book, go out and Buy anything by Christeen Feehan,(my Fav. is the Dark Series of books) It has all the things womon love, Vampires, werewoves, a great twist in the vampire world. o ya did I forget Sex.sex.sex…

  65. Jessica, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow. What is even more hilarious that the post is the fact that so many people don’t realize it was written to be funny.

    Come on, people. Please don’t believe everything you read online. It’s a joke…. and a damn good one.

  66. Azhrei, 4 years ago Reply

    If this is a joke, bravo. If it is not, your wife is fucking insane and needs help.

  67. alec, 4 years ago Reply

    I want to take a dump on Edwards chest.

  68. Becky, 4 years ago Reply

    As I Twilight fan, I have to say these two people deserve each other. They both make me cringe and I’m so happy to have my very normal marriage-not perfect-but not making anyone dress up as a child from a Harry Potter movie for sexual purposes or basing their lives on a make believe fiction novel. I’m at a loss for words that this is even a real story, if it is?

    • kurisu7885, 4 years ago Reply

      How do you know it was for sexual purposes? It’s never stated to what end.

      Maybe it was Halloween or a convention and they wanted a good couple costume. People do that all the time. Hell, me and one of my exes once spoke of going to a convention as a Big Daddy and Big Sister from Bioshock. Seems a bit more normal to me than cutting yourself and screaming a fictional character’s name.

  69. crazy bitch did what?, 4 years ago Reply

    what da hell is wrong wit her 1 word DIVORCE

  70. MCM1976, 4 years ago Reply

    I am seriously thinking you should not have had her dress up as Hermoine! Hahahaha. Seriously, there was a breakdown BEFORE Twilight ever came into the house!

  71. Sedare, 4 years ago Reply

    It’s called divorce. No nut job is worth it.

    P.S. Harry Potter is only slightly less stupid than Twilight. Expeliarmus (and yeah it’s probably spelled wrong) that shit.

  72. Switzerland, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow… I’m a Twilight fan but seriously? I really hope that she is eternally greatful to this guy for staying with her. All that time fantasizing about Edward and his deep devotion to Bella when she already had someone who was that devoted to her. Idiot…

  73. Casey J, 4 years ago Reply

    I am sorry your wife isn’t strong enough to differentiate between reality and fantasy…you say people can not be on both sides of the fence. But see I both HATE and LOVE Twilight. Honestly when I started reading, I couldn’t stop. It was great, I use to be like that with EVERY book I read, but after being literally forced to read in a flawed school system I learned to HATE reading.

    You must also understand that I myself and a writer. So I can appreciate Twilight in ways “fans” can’t always do. I appreciate her ideas, and her simply easy to read writing style. I enjoyed the books and also HATED spoilers. My husband knew better than to spoil things for me…and I to him. We both enjoy the Twilight Saga *books* By Stephanie Meyer and own all 4 books. But I also own most of Anne Rice, Piers Anthony Xanth Novels and Harry Potter.

    What I HATE about Twilight, the obsessors. That pretty much sums it up, all those *pardon me* IDIOTS that are soo in love with an idea that have taken it WAY overboard…apparently like your wife. Now I am not saying that I HATE the fans, I just hate their obsession. They need to get a firm grasp on reality and real themselves in. I don’t know if you have noticed VAMPIRES TO NOT EXIST, and if they did I am pretty sure they wouldn’t sparkle.

    Honestly, it seems as though neither of you really know the other and do not appreciate eachother properly. You should seek marriage counseling and maybe admit *along the way* you are no Prince Charming and she is not your Fair Maiden. You are two screwed up people, like most of the world’s couples. Lets just see how long yall last and if yall can learn to appreciate and love eachother properly.

    Also do not dis something you have not read….that is just dumb. If I am mistaken and you have read the saga then I apologize and I must have missed that somewhere…

    But my hubby and I have discussed Twilight on many occasions and come to the same conclusion, it would be a lot better if people could enjoy the books but keep a grasp on reality…like we did.

  74. christy, 4 years ago Reply

    dude, i’m SO sorry! that really sucks.

  75. kdm, 4 years ago Reply

    I bet it was you being a Harry Potter fanboy coupled with buying her that book about guys who are more manly than you!

    Hahaha

    LOTR mothafukaaaaa

  76. Kevin, 4 years ago Reply

    Please go to your closest lawyer and divorce the shit out of this dumb bimbo.

  77. Paul, 4 years ago Reply

    You shouldn’t hate twilight you should hate your crazy wife and yourself for putting up with that crap! Get a life.

  78. Lori, 4 years ago Reply

    Really? She wouldn’t have sex with you until Bella did? That’s taking it a bit far. I’m glad you didn’t give her Twilight when it first came out, you wouldn’t have gotten any in years and I’m sure your marriage would have been over before the last book came out. Sorry, but your wife is crazy. I’m a twilight fan, but I never took it anywhere close to where she did. Hope your marriage gets better.

  79. haley, 4 years ago Reply

    It’s not the book’s fault. It’s the way SHE reacted to it.
    I mean sure, I’m a Twilight fan but that’s not why I’m saying it.
    People have all different types of outlooks on books, movies, etc.

    But, you blaming Twilight is really stupid.
    I mean that’s like blaming McDonald’s because you got fat. You didn’t HAVE to go in there everyday right?

    So think about that. And maybe, instead of playing Call of Duty all day,
    you could’ve tried talking to her. Maybe you could’ve helped her separate fantasy from reality. Don’t blame the book.

  80. JCC, 4 years ago Reply

    I think the lengths she went to get so obsessed with these books is possibly the result of a poor marriage, loss of connection, no romance, no attraction etc. I mean, she’s getting all hot and bothered by these books and instead of getting involved or reading the book too, you are playing video games?

    Yeah, gaming gets dudes laid all the time.

    Granted, her obsession is quite extreme, but the obession was probably not the problem. Rather it was of the result of the problem.

  81. In Between, 4 years ago Reply

    Three words. Divorce the bitch.

  82. Luz, 4 years ago Reply

    I can’t believe this, it sounds crazy. My daughter was into the books and enjoyed reading them day and night, but never got into it like this poor mans wife. I think she needs help.

  83. Dee, 4 years ago Reply

    So I’m a little confused…After all that crap, why is he still with her. She obviousally has some mental issues and needs help. Why would you stay with someone who withholds sex because the characters do, drinks her own blood and calls out edwards’ name when having sex. Seriously? i think this guy should file for divore ASAP!!!

  84. Normal, 4 years ago Reply

    You need a divorce. Your wife is a nut job.

  85. Ben, 4 years ago Reply

    Seriously, leave your wife. She’s crazy. I mean, the fact that she kept the ban up, and that she uses Edward’s name during sex?

    Leave her. You’re better off, trust me.

  86. Samantha, 4 years ago Reply

    OMFG……this poor bastard married a complete freaking psycho!! I feel so freaking bad for him….What kind of wife is she….a ban on sex for MONTHS……she is just lucky that she had a good enough husband that he didnt cheat on her stupid ass. Not that cheating is good but COME ON..all I have to say is WOW….really….WOW

  87. Unbelievable, 4 years ago Reply

    You are BOTH retarded! 1. to allow another person…..especially your wife, treat you and dis respect you like she did and 2. for you being stupid enough to let it carry on so long.

    What she needed was a good reality check! You should have told her the ending on the first day!

    I cannot believe I just wasted 10 minutes of my life reading your story! Divorce the bitch! Life is too short to put up with crap like that! I know! I did it for years and wish I would have been told this!!!!!!! She will NOT change! It will get worse!

  88. Vanguard, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow, he should divorce her now before this happens again. Though the blood thing….you should have divorced her then and there. That’s one of the steps to thinking you are an actual vampire. Also, if you think that she won’t do it again….I got three words for you: GLASS COFFEE TABLE!!

    You want that to happen again? Cause I don’t think she’d call 911 next time.

    I have to say….I prefer the vampires portrayed by Stephen King and the like. They don’t sparkle in the sun, they burst into flames. I want the blood-thirsty, soul-less, rip you limb from limb vampires and not the Twilight ones. And if anyone knows what I’m talking about….Barlow ftw.

  89. jane, 4 years ago Reply

    lol! this has got to be a joke — or the author has to be the most desperate person alive. i would’ve either killed this b**ch a long time ago or filed for divorce by March. Sounds like he’s married to a total nutcase.

  90. I'm telling ya man..., 4 years ago Reply

    WOMEN ARE FUCKING CRAZY.

  91. Cara, 4 years ago Reply

    Ok. The Twilight series is a TEEN/Young Adult series. Meaning it is for teenagers and is written at an adolescent reading level. Why are grown (supposedly) mature women becoming engrossed in the series?

    No disrespect meant here, in all seriousness, your wife does need psychiatric help because the lines were between the TEEN fantasy of the series and her ADULT life were becoming blurred. When it got to the point where she began consuming blood intentionally, that is when help should have been sought. When the glass table incident occurred, she then became a danger to herself and others.

    Be careful and don’t introduce her to the Blood and Chocolate series.

  92. John, 4 years ago Reply

    Seek professional help, both of you.

  93. sam, 4 years ago Reply

    ya i agree with some people above. your wife is insane. the truth hurts but it’s true. no self-respecting man would spend one more minute with a woman like that. what happens when a real person woos her like twilight?

  94. Johnson, 4 years ago Reply

    Look…the wife is pretty nuts! I’ll give the guy that. It’s unfortunate that it had that kind of an impact on their marriage. But, I will point out, there really isn’t much difference between a Potter fan and a Twilight fan. I don’t get why Potter fans are so judgemental when they do similar, if not farther, things to revel in their story lines. I don’t see any Twilight fans who dress up as the characters, host fantasy websites, and attend all the geeky comic conventions. If Potter fans would just take a moment to think about why they love their series so much, and apply it to Twilight fans, I think the conclusion is….we have common ground!

    • Desertfox, 4 years ago Reply

      How can you say that Potter fans are as bad as Twilight fans? I’ve never heard girls/women talking about how they wished their boyfriend/husbands were more like Harry. If you want a fandom that is just as bad, look at Pirates of the Caribbean and the obsession with Jack Sparrow.

      This story is OBVIOUSLY fiction and a great sociological experiment. A nice way to exemplify just how far REAL people will take their belief in a story and how they let it affect their reality and the way they behave towards other people.

  95. Rick, 4 years ago Reply

    Obviously your wife needs a reality check. You did well on sharing your story. If she still doesn’t agree, leave her. She can marry Edward Cullen if she wants to. Good riddance.

  96. Reasonable, 4 years ago Reply

    Are you fucking joking me? Divorce the retarded psycho and move the fuck on you giant wuss.

  97. TCE, 4 years ago Reply

    No judge in the world would ever convict you for slapping the living piss out of her. Not condoning it, but she clearly needs a concussion to wake her up to reality……

  98. DP, 4 years ago Reply

    I agree with Cara above
    I dont known how any GROWN woman could put herself in this situation.
    Clearly immature (how old is your wife by the way?)
    I hear and see so much about this vampire bullcrap that I think its totally weird, and anyone who watches it is totally weird.
    I say get a god damn LIFE please – go on facebook or something.

  99. crazypomp927, 4 years ago Reply

    damn i feel really bad for you…you’ll like this though cuz it makes fun of twilight http://www.break.com/index/vampires-suck-1879620

  100. Lynx, 4 years ago Reply

    It’s really sad that your wife would not talk to you for days just because you spoiled twilight for her. Everyone already knew they would get married. She treated twilight like a golden calf. I knew some girls that were the same way. Nothing else mattered, but again we are only hearing one side of the story, but I think we really only needed to hear one side =(. Sorry dude that really sucks.

  101. Will, 4 years ago Reply

    Your marriage makes me very sad. The stupidity of both you and your wife is unrivaled by anything I have encountered in years.

  102. Allygyrl702, 4 years ago Reply

    Now, that was hilarious!! I can somewhat identify with the wife. Stephenie Meyer creates a world you want to be apart of. I didn’t abstain from sex but I did swear I saw people who could be vampires and werewolves in real life.

  103. rob, 4 years ago Reply

    This sounds like the most pathetic marriage between two nerds I’ve ever heard about… maybe you should buy her a copy of Romeo and Juliet so you both end up killing yourselves.

  104. Boroni, 4 years ago Reply

    Nothing like veiling soft porn behind a “scarey” movie about teens becoming vampires! Truly, nobody in their right mind watches such fluff and believes that it has any relational connection to reality??? Pseudo-Sex for pre-teens anyone?

  105. MythBuster, 4 years ago Reply

    How I know this is bullshit. The fact it took the dude 6 months to get all the achievements on COD 4 if he was playing it everday. Took me around 4 days I think.

    MYTH BUSTED

  106. V, 4 years ago Reply

    Man.. Im really sorry for you. Wish you were young again where nothing could stop a couple from ripping off things.!

  107. onrgreeneyedjo, 4 years ago Reply

    Wait till she reads the Charlain Harris Trueblood series books, sees the HBO TV series or rents the series!!!

    Poor fellow!!!

  108. thedudenextdoor, 4 years ago Reply

    Americans are fucked up.

  109. Stephanie, 4 years ago Reply

    I would have left the bitch!

  110. sucker, 4 years ago Reply

    haha sounds lyk his life sucks, never underestimate the power of the Twilight Saga lol

  111. Ole, 4 years ago Reply

    Is it legal in the U.S. to get married under the age of 16? You sound to me like a stupid 5th grader… sorry but this is ridiculous

  112. jonjimjonjim, 4 years ago Reply

    she is totally insane. leave her asap

  113. billy bob, 4 years ago Reply

    in the words of Al Bundy “Absofreakinlutely” leave that vampire loving. “Dodge is a damn fine car! Ran over my wife with a Dodge.”

  114. Rob, 4 years ago Reply

    This is an incredibly unhealthy relationship…clearly. You really should either both get some serious counseling, or a divorce. It’s not “funny”, it’s scary and psychotic. I wish you luck.

  115. chaz, 4 years ago Reply

    holy crap i thought i was the only one going through this same mess! my girlfriend is the same fricken way except she broke up with me and started dating a younger guy and them came back to me and then back to the younger guy. she would quote stuff from the book “like age is just a number” holy cow chicks are crazy and believe me i may hate twilight more than this guy !!!!!

  116. schleppa, 4 years ago Reply

    Very funny. Very, very funny.

  117. Otacon, 4 years ago Reply

    If there is even an ounce of truth to this then you seriously need to divorce this woman. Put up with losing half your shit, put up with alimony if necessary, and leave her. The love has been compromised by paranoid delusions and a complete collapse of sexual identity within your wife. I cannot imagine the hallows of self-esteem non-existence dwell within your mind if you find this behavior even remotely acceptable in your household. That, or be a fucking man and tell the bitch to stop the insane school-girl fantasizing.

  118. Michael Douglas, 4 years ago Reply

    I’m surprised at the level of stupidity on these comments. I’m guessing their hardcore twilight fans who have nothing better to do than defend their own book since they lost all their boyfriends/husbands because they weren’t like Edward enough for them. No one should put up with borderline obsession.

    Bottom line, you need to divorce this woman until she goes to a therapist. Obsession is not something to be trifled with.

  119. TylerPurrden, 4 years ago Reply

    All I can say, after being completely dumbfounded at how unsettling the extent of this was, is that you both need to separate (don’t even get me started on the perils of a vampire “love” story written by a bloody MORMON. That should be everyone’s first NEON SIGN warning!!).
    And if you absolutely refuse in your sadomasochistic yet disturbingly apathetic way to actually break up – PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY DO NOT PROCREATE. There are way too many idiots that spawn even more unnecessary mouthbreathers out there. Obviously you’re both screwed up and any children that would result do not deserve to inherit your full-blown psychotic/neurotic tendencies! The fact you can even find that woman sexually appealing at all gives me the heebie-jeebies, and the shudders that are induced by knowing she can’t even address you when you’re having sex BY YOUR OWN NAME are nauseating. If I had my way, you would both be sterilized!!

  120. Jeff, 4 years ago Reply

    I would have kicked the bitch to the curb about 2 weeks after her announcement

  121. Allyse, 4 years ago Reply

    wow, that is pretty strange that your wife went that far with the series! i just watched the 3rd, and im even excited to see if bella will change her mind and have a bit of fun with jacob… but i can only hope. GO TEAM JACOB! haha, edward just seems kinda over protective over bella… but who cares! its a movie!

  122. Jane, 4 years ago Reply

    I don’t love or hate Twilight. I did read the first four chapters, or so.

  123. Logic, 4 years ago Reply

    dude seriously leave your wife.

  124. john a, 4 years ago Reply

    you would be better off leaving her. sounds like a total mental case not worth the trouble.

  125. tim, 4 years ago Reply

    Like others have said, she needs to see a therapist. And you need to find a real woman.

  126. Cornetto, 4 years ago Reply

    I stand in the middle ground. It’s a mediocre teenage romance that will eventually be in the past. That’s all. The people freaking out about how it’s awful are just as silly as the people freaking out over how “amazing” it is.

  127. Russel Kealoha, 4 years ago Reply

    If you showed her True Blood, I’m sure your luck would have changed. SOOOOOOKIE!

  128. jdmmojo, 4 years ago Reply

    So you definitely should have filed for a divorce. You’re telling me your wife stopped having sex with you because of a poorly written teenage romance novel. Yeah… any psychologist or marriage counselor would probably advice you start sleeping with someone else. If your WIFE wants to f-up a marriage over her love for a book you need to sleep with the younger woman down the street. I wouldn’t have forgave her and I don’t think you should either.

  129. dbh, 4 years ago Reply

    Should’ve married a friend instead of a vagina.

  130. Rawr, 4 years ago Reply

    Divorce.

  131. Anonymous, 4 years ago Reply

    Therapy now! But on the same subject sort of I would hate for making me dress up as Hermione because I also hate Harry Potter. Everything to do with him or with Twilight. I hate them both with equal amounts of insurmountable rage.

  132. Chris, 4 years ago Reply

    Wtf man, you should’ve stood up for yourself. Now you’ve proven you’re HER bitch and she can and will do anything she wants regardless of how it makes you feel.

  133. Are you, 4 years ago Reply

    You need a new wife she is fucking insane.

  134. Mike, 4 years ago Reply

    It’s interesting that most woman perceive the Wife as psycho, whereas most guys sympathize with the Husband. I’ve noticed this in many cases in fact.

    What girls don’t realize is that, to a man, they all seem like the Wife in this story, i.e., irrational. Maybe some are more rational than others, but 90% of the time, they are perceived as irrational by guys.

    I just had to say this cause I get the impression from a lot women that they don’t realize this.

  135. indrid cold, 4 years ago Reply

    You are fucking insane for staying with this woman.

  136. Anon, 4 years ago Reply

    Don’t blame twilight for finally letting the cat out of the bag that your wife is literally off-the-fucking-wall psychotic. There are people who are in the middle ground with twilight. I read all four books and could really care less. I don’t need to see the films. I don’t need to talk about it ad nauseum. I don’t need to re-read the books. There are non-psychotically obsessed people on this planet, that have also read the twilight series. In fact, twilight haters have become just as prevalent, obnoxious, and obsessed with bashing twilight as all the 12 year-old girls have become about running around screaming about jacob shirtless. Get lives, people.

  137. a delong, 4 years ago Reply

    i think both you and your wife should see some professional help.
    how are you going to blame all of this shit on the twilight saga bullshit,
    im not even into any of it so its not that i have a bias opinion because i myself am obsessed,
    its obvious that youre wife is having a personality crisis and attaching herself to bella’s character , she needs help
    if it wasnt twilight it would be something else im sure

    you need to get over this whole “twilight ruined my marriage” crap

    its seriously the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard
    sorry but im embarrassed for you and that you took the time to write this post , and actually believe everything you wrote makes any sense at all , even in the slightest

  138. Ultimate Chase, 4 years ago Reply

    First of all, this did not happen. Second of all, if it had (it didn’t) it would be the most retarded thing of all time. I can’t even get into all of the reasons this situation would be stupid if it were real. For a woman who is married to abstain from sex because a character in a series of novels was doing so is ridiculous, but it could be romantic or cute if it was for a good reason that drew parellels to her own life. However, the reasons for the characters Bella and Edward not to get their bone on were a) Edward wanted to wait until they were married and b) Edward was afraid he might accidentally murder her to death if they got it on. Since these things obviously don’t apply to your wife in this pointless and fictional story, your wife (if she existed) would be basically not screwing you for NO reason at all. It’d be like if she read a book about a character who didn’t like to travel and then she refused to go anywhere until at some point in the series that character crossed a state line. If this story were true I would say that your wife is batshit crazy and also using this little whim as an excuse to not have sex with you because she doesn’t love you and therefore you need to take a break from writing articles on the internet to spend serious time repairing your marriage/beating sense into your God-awful wife.

    To sum things up, you’re stupid, this story is stupid, your made-up wife is stupid and I’m going to go stick a knife through my foot so that I can get the whole thing out of my head as fast as possible. Nice try!

    • Desertfox, 4 years ago Reply

      Kind of awesome how incapable of taking a joke you are. Good luck with the knife to the foot. Hope it works out better than your sense of humor.

  139. diggablep, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow, I’m so glad my wife is Japanese and could care less about the twilight “saga.”
    It’s such awful garbage. Some of my buddies and I decided to watch the first movie and we couldn’t get over how bad it was. Some movies can be good in a bad way… but this was just bad.

    some of my writing on life in Japan:
    http://hubpages.com/hub/AKB48-Japan-idol-group

  140. hahaha, 4 years ago Reply

    At least she didn’t read interview with a vampire.
    LOL.

    • RIGHT!!!, 4 years ago Reply

      The Vampire Chronicles and the True Blood books are the ones I’m more surprised haven’t ended up like this. I’ll admit that I had it bad for Lestat for a good long time in high school and through most of my first college to the point of making my husband grow his hair out and wear tight pants. And the chicks that work at my grandmother’s spa (including my mother) are just as obsessed about Eric from the True Blood books. I refuse to let my husband go in there until book 10 is at least a year old cause of the strong resemblance to Eric in the HBO series right now.

  141. starwhite, 4 years ago Reply

    I choose not to believe this story! This would make a great sketch on Saturday night live! Yeah. In real life not so good! I’d pack my $hit & leave. Got to have some self respect. I mean, I’ve taken a lot of stuff, but you have to draw the line sometimes! I mean, I would put away the Goddamn video game & try to communicate with this chick. OK? if that didn’t work then Hasta la vista, baby!! Sorry but shes too much to imagine.

  142. Robin, 4 years ago Reply

    IM dumbfounded.FOR REAL??? c’mon. what surprises me is the women my age, Im 39, that are starstru ck and caught up in an imaginary world where they’ve made scenarios of real life events with these fictional characters. DUDE…run. very hard. very fast, escape this imaginary fairytale world your wife lives in and come on over to our planet Earth before you awaken to a knife thru your heart (not by means of emotional heartbreak) but like the real set I have in my kitchen. And have her committed. FOR REAL??? This is just really hard to imagine this is really happening.

  143. Christina, 4 years ago Reply

    Just read your article [clearly]
    First of all, unlike a lot of the people above me, you’re not weird for making your wife dress up like a fictional character out of Harry Potter. There’s nothing hotter than a couple role playing. Anyone, in the moment of passion, cannot say other wise. Including your wife I’m sure. She could have said no. You, I’m sure, didn’t stick a gun to her head and force her to wear the outfit of Hermione! However, I can’t really side with your wife. I mean, fantasize all you want sweetcheeks, but calling out another mans name while having sex with your husband no less, is a bit.. errr.. terrible? Now don’t get me wrong guy. I’m not like picking sides and saying that your wife is this horrible bitch that needs to fall off a house and break her neck [though if I were in your shoes I would have fantasized about that happening quite often] Instead I’m saying that I can see how your wife got wrapped into the book. Obviously wishing that she could be Bella. I understand getting wrapped into a book, fantasizing, but how your wife took it was a bit.. um.. far? When this was happening the best approach probably should have been psychiatric help, or maybe even marriage counceling.
    Perhaps you still need it? I have to give you kudos though on your awesomeness of sticking with your wife through all this craziness. Even if it may have been for the sex? Though I doubt that’s why.
    I’m not going to say I hate twilight, but I know lives that they have changed and you, my friend, have clearly not had a life changed for the better. So, again, my advice, even though the ordeal is over, marriage counceling. Don’t leave your wife, help her, help yourself :)
    *thumbs up*

  144. john public, 4 years ago Reply

    there is a difference between twilight fan and psycho. good luck with that self-mutilating, irrational, self-centered bitch.

  145. urbanvox, 4 years ago Reply

    I’m like TOTALLY with you in the Twilight hating team…
    if my wife EVER did thaqt… there would be trouble!
    lol

  146. Bar, 4 years ago Reply

    If this is true, you should divorce your wife and move to another country without her knowledge.

    She is clearly a sociopathic, dangerous person and you should escape while you still have a chance. This is an honest warning, do not ignore it.

  147. Rockstar Philosopher, 4 years ago Reply

    Dude, what else can I say? You’re the moron who bought his wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas… It doesn’t matter how much she said she wanted it, you should have just bought it and put it in the cupboard, not given it to her as a gift. If she’s the only one using the vacuum it means she’s cleaning your filth, and if she’s not it means you’re using her Christmas present.

    Fail dude, you deserved all you got.

    • Desertfox, 4 years ago Reply

      Rockstar, you’re a special little cupcake with a side of unique frosting.

  148. Ed Fisher, 4 years ago Reply

    Funniest thing I have read on teh tubes in ages. Only slightly less scary is how closely this rings to true. Either way, I loved it! I hope I am not laughing at your actual suffering, because, damn bro, I can so see this being real.
    Thanks for sharing.

  149. glem, 4 years ago Reply

    Women don’t give up sex, they just give up sex with YOU. Just want to get that ou there.

    • Desertfox, 4 years ago Reply

      What a well thought out response. Profound, witty and of exponential value.

      (Note: These compliments have as much validity and basis in reality as the original story. Meaning: NONE!)

  150. Angel894, 4 years ago Reply

    This can’t be serious. Why is everyone so sure this isn’t just an idea someone thought of and rolled with to make people laugh?

  151. Christy, 4 years ago Reply

    Haha…this is great. I laughed all the way through…so hilarious.

  152. Wooooowww...., 4 years ago Reply

    I don’t think it would have been the lack of sex that got me. My husband and I weren’t allowed to have sex for 8 months due to pregnancy complications. As is I’m in an almost sexless marriage cause my husband just doesn’t give a damn for it, and trust me it kills me at times…

    Yes I’m a woman that needs sex as much as food…

    But really I would have gotten her help when she started hurting herself and then gotten a divorce after she threw me through the glass table and wouldn’t call 911 until he took whatever back about what was said about the stupid team boys….

  153. Aoi-chan, 4 years ago Reply

    I felt sorry for the dude. His wife needs some serious help – .-

  154. Woah, 4 years ago Reply

    lol your wife = /wrist

  155. Poast for the Ages, 4 years ago Reply

    COPY-PASTA THIS SHIT EVERYWHERE.

    Dude, you belong on /b. Are you sure I haven’t seen you there before?

  156. Destiny, 4 years ago Reply

    Yea she is crazy as hell…and to be honest, im sure the actors where having sex in real life. I am a twilight fan but really no sex.

  157. StephanieMarie, 4 years ago Reply

    I am an educated…Masters Level…married female and I LOVED the books. I also enjoy greater literary reads but thse books were very entertaining to me. That said…the above story is obviously an exaggerrated version of the truth. I found the stories romantic and made me WANT sex…The idea of waiting until you are married to have sex is not such a bad thing…and the desire that is built up in the book can be quite stimulating! So, Im going to assume your wife enjoyed the books…devoured them….and you may have been ignored at times when you were…ummm…excited. Thus you made a funny story out of your situation and exaggerated your perdicament to enhance your story… Who doesnt love a funny story, right?

  158. bob, 4 years ago Reply

    you’re a huge pussy dude.

  159. Henrique Kenji, 4 years ago Reply

    First of all, I’m really sorry about all of that dude xD ahhaahha
    But it’s really funny :p hahaha
    I’m not a fan of this gay vampire thinge nor I hate it as you said that there is only this two edges of relationship to this literature in particular. And I think that your wife seriously need some professional help gentleman… that’s not healthy AT ALL !
    Part of it u might have deserved because of the Hermione thing lol.
    Anyways, botton line, great post, really funny (I don’t know if it was supposed to be xD ) and I hope things back to ‘normal’, good luck gentleman o/
    ps: U should have tried to cosplay as that gay-white vampire to tease ur wife lol xD maybe that would have helped hahahah

  160. Tam Linn, 4 years ago Reply

    You’re a misogynistic piece of shit.

    • Desertfox, 4 years ago Reply

      Ah…Tam Linn, I’m surprised you have a handle referencing such a wonderful ballad and yet your mentality appears to be that of a Twilight obsessed 6th grader. Such irony.

  161. Simon, 4 years ago Reply

    Im not an expert in people but seriously, dump that retard bitch.

  162. ItThing’s List Of Knock Out Reads #1 | It Thing!, 4 years ago Reply

    [...] Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and Life) [Entertainment] [...]

  163. ME, 4 years ago Reply

    I would call out Edward name too…have you seen him? damn!, that man is HOT!

    • kurisu7885, 4 years ago Reply

      Then don’t expect to stay in any relationships long. Most guys HATE it when the one we’re with calls out another’s name during climax. It really hurts our feelings.

  164. EruditeWitch, 4 years ago Reply

    AS a fangirl for Harry Potter, I have seen other people get out of hand. But this is just too far. This is sad. And I’ve never met someone who was unhinged enough to only sexually fantasize about the fictional characters.

    If this is real, divorce her.

    I have a thing for Ron Weasely, but I don’t go much farther than that. Sure my husband is tall and ginger…very ginger, and we kind of look like Bill and Fleur with a weight problem, but I only sleep with him when I sleep with him.

    I will admit that I beg him to put on a Kilt like Jamie Fraser in Outlander, and I would die if he showed up a Quidditch uniform…but that’s just simple role playing and I know the difference.

    The fact that my husband refuses to play wizard is now making me like him more and more. At least he understands what makes a good marriage. If I ever act like your wife did, I hope my husband has the good sense to leave me.

    • kurisu7885, 4 years ago Reply

      That’s nerd/geek romance for ya hmm?

  165. alli, 4 years ago Reply

    I’ll dress up like Hermoine for ya tonight if you’ll play vampire tomorrow…no blood necessary…come on baby, just a little fun:)

    Granted, I’m assuming this story is exaggerated…

  166. Anjew Pooka (Not my real name), 4 years ago Reply

    I laughed like hell until the last paragraph. To me that wasn’t funny at all. I feel truly sorry for you. I hope your wife overcomes this obsession and starts to love you more than her fantasy. Thanks for posting, and keep your head up.

  167. stacey, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow, all of you going back and fourth just made my morning. i was due for a good laugh. what children you are.

  168. Nana, 4 years ago Reply

    I think my husband would be eternally grateful if I told him he could play a video game for 8 months, and didn’t have to do more than kiss me in all that time. That would, for him, I think be the perfect life.

  169. Senai, 4 years ago Reply

    its a book. she is phsyco, he is Fkn patient to withstand it. You are all fighting over the internet… how sad. XD and im a middle person. i like but despise twilight at the same time :P

  170. Rachel, 4 years ago Reply

    Your story made me so sad… screw twilight and your stupid wife who can’t seem to appreciate the real world, or the husband who obviously cared for her.

  171. Mike, 4 years ago Reply

    It’s more hilarious reading all of the comments of ppl that feel the need to comment on this fella’s story. Get a life of your own!

  172. me, 4 years ago Reply

    It is possible in fact to love both Twilight and Harry Potter, but I don’t think it’s fair either what happened to you. But i wouldn’t blame Twilight for it. I think you should have shown interest, and if you let her talk about Twilight, maybe she’d let you talk about Harry Potter.

  173. Bryan, 4 years ago Reply

    I totally feel for you…With me it was World of FRIGGIN Warcraft. My wife actually left me for a guy she met in the game because he played all day and I didn’t. I was all selfish and had a JOB…

  174. Lisa, 4 years ago Reply

    Might I recommend a divorce? Or at the least introduce her to Trueblood. At least then you might get laid every night compared to once a year.

  175. MuseOfLight, 4 years ago Reply

    Unstable bitches = major fail.

  176. Blare, 4 years ago Reply

    Oh, I love you so much for reading Harry Potter. That has made my day. Twilight doesn’t come close to the glory that is Harry Potter!
    Your wife, though, is a little too obsessed. Seriously… she is the perfect example of why I abhor all those bloody Twilight fanatics.

  177. derp, 4 years ago Reply

    I wish you were dead for not back-handing your bitch ass wife.

  178. Julia, 4 years ago Reply

    I’m sorry, but your wife is an idiot.

  179. thtguy, 4 years ago Reply

    GG to the toolz with the deadbeat wives

  180. Marcus, 4 years ago Reply

    Fakest crap I have ever read. If you are going to make up a story, at least make it believable. I hate Twilight as much as the next person, but you are obviously trying to create negative publicity through lies.

  181. el oh el, 4 years ago Reply

    ^ team jacob fan

  182. Corrine, 4 years ago Reply

    Jesus.. I read Twilight, and I liked it for all the horrible reasons and blah dee blah.. but my god I would never even fathom of doing that to my boyfriend.. or anyone! She needs some help if she got that crazy of them.

    This girl has to have beer flavored nipples if you stuck around :P

  183. tim, 4 years ago Reply

    you’re an idiot, twilight didn’t almost ruin your marriage, its cause you’re wife is an idiot too

  184. Natalie, 4 years ago Reply

    Four words- DIVORCE THE NUT CASE!

  185. Jeff, 4 years ago Reply

    This is an awful article.

    Just awful.

  186. bren, 4 years ago Reply

    This is ridiculous. Even from a girl’s perspective your wife is really crazy. You two are supposed to be married… therefore you are ADULTS… therefore you do not act like crazy teenagers. After that coffee table thing you described, that would have been it for me. You should have given your wife an ultimatum, it’s twilight or divorce. See how she faired with that one. If she picked twilight well, then I think you might have picked the wrong wife.

  187. arielle, 4 years ago Reply

    why’d you marry a crazy bitch?

  188. collin, 4 years ago Reply

    this isnt your fault or even twilights fault. your wife is just a nirotic fuckin crazy bitch. you should leave her. this shit is insane

  189. Sarah, 4 years ago Reply

    Your wife is insane.
    Who would say no sex for that long? and screaming out edward’s
    name?
    Im a girl and I think twilight is full of shit.

    Your wife is a head case and fucking messed up.
    Id be getting a divorce, soon.

  190. Lee, 4 years ago Reply

    Well, -I- thought it was a funny article. Made me giggle. Great writing, sorry you are getting tore up in the comment department. Ouchies.

  191. GalinKinlin, 4 years ago Reply

    I almost cried for you. You… You deserve better. I know now that there is a man who hates Twilight more than I do, and by god, I wish I could have helped you.

    I don’t know if this is a joke or not. I couldn’t laugh. The horror of what this is has hurt my stomach. Please tell me that this is a joke. I want to be able to laugh this off, to go back to my world before I read this.

  192. shaun, 4 years ago Reply

    Hi colebenjamin

    I’m so sorry to hear about your … situation… I can sympathise though with you, not in exactly the same way but very close. I had been married with my wife for 5 years and had to been together for another 5 before that… and my wife’s sister gave her twilight for her birthday ( me and her sister never really got along) and it was just like what happened to you with the no sex till they do.. I was in shock for a good hour… ok let me just quickly go ahead say this comment before I go any further… to all the people asking why his still with her, it’s hard to leave someone after you have been through so much together in the past ok?… moving on but yeah I started seeing she had cuts on her had (small ones of course, I would freak out if she had cutting her wrists)… but cutting to the punch, they ended up doing it in the book and so did I (thank god)…. but she was doing the exactly the same thing and your wife did and called out Edwards name in bed…. just once I had to hear that because there’s no way I’m putting up with her thinking of someone else in bed other than me……I ended it there. We got divorced and basically got everything in the divorce.

    I still hear about my ex wife from friends of friends that she’s not doing so well and is basically hating her life

    I’ve moved on with my life now colebenjamin and I have found myself an absolutely beautiful girl that hates twilight more then I do :)

    So colebenjamin if you have stayed with your wife you are one strong man and I hope things do get better for you in the future and that your wife see’s that it is only a book soon

    PS colebenjamin I had been really confused on how this happened and went to see a psychologist to see why this had happened if it was anything I did, but what she had to say actually made a lot of sense because if you read the book (I recommend not to) at the start S. Myers makes Bella out to be realllllly vague… so that most girls will actually relate to Bella. But Edward is described in such detail no one can be Edward except for Edward….

    Thought that might help in anyway

  193. Alicia, 4 years ago Reply

    wuuuuut theeeee fuuuuuuuck?!!!

  194. The Love Cop » Can Twilight or Any Romance Novel Nearly Ruin Your Relationship?, 4 years ago Reply

    [...] Twilight or any other romance novel nearly ruin a relationship? That is what the author of http://itthing.com/twilight-almost-cost-me-my-wife-and-my-life as well as many other men have claimed. In this particular instance, the author claims that the [...]

  195. twilightisgay, 4 years ago Reply

    no kids yet?
    divorce that crazy fucking bitch.
    twilight is horrible… an insult to the whole literate world.

  196. Bob, 4 years ago Reply

    Drop that dumb crazy bitch

  197. FKTwilight, 4 years ago Reply

    If my fiance had done this, which she didn’t, I would have left her ass in a heartbeat!!!! If your wife is calling out a fictional guy’s name while you two are having sex, that is IMMEDIATE violation of terms in my book. She would have had divorce papers on her pillow the next morning!!!! My fiance, on the other hand, she has read all three books and likes them, says they are ok, but doesn’t get wet thinking about them like most of the dumbass females in America do. These little vampire lovers will get their reality check when no man in the world is like these FICTIONAL DUMBASS characters in a story book. And to the writer of this article, you sir are the biggest tampon sucking ass-kissing pussy-whipped little punk I’ve ever heard of. You need to turn in your man card. I agree with you on the HATING TWILIGHT w/ every beat of my heart, but you caved way too easy on the no-sex thing. If my WIFE took a chastity vow after we were married, I’d go find me a nice cheap hooker, or her slutty best friend, and get mine one way or another.

    • Leslie, 4 years ago Reply

      well.. i was under the impression that when you marry someone, you work through even the craziest shit that they do. maybe i am just mistaken..

  198. a non eMouse, 4 years ago Reply

    Sorry, but just because SHE wanted to take a vow of celibacy until the fictional character got some, does NOT mean you had to participate in that vow. You should have gone out to a club or bar (whichever you prefer) and taken care of business.
    If she found out and divorced you… no big loss. Seriously.

  199. Beezy, 4 years ago Reply

    Now that’s about ten different kinds of FUCKED UP. She says his name during sex? Just that right there is enough for divorce… or at LEAST serious medical help if you’re determined to keep her. Burn those goddamn books!

  200. j, 4 years ago Reply

    fuck you. just, fuck you. you worthless, selfish sack of shit. i hate those books/movies. but, fuck you. if you could pull your head out of your ass or video games long enough to figure out why she would be upset over you giving away the (terrible) plot, you might have avoided all of this, but no, you had to be a selfish douche. fuck you.

  201. LOL, 4 years ago Reply

    i dont think the guy is selfish for giving away the plot, i think at most it was a LITTLE mean, but its really not that big of a deal. but mostly i think the wife needs some help.

  202. hello, 4 years ago Reply

    Last time I checked, vampires don’t sparkle in the sunlight. They die.

  203. you're dumb, 4 years ago Reply

    you’re a fucking idiot. who the fuck spoils a book for someone? in the hopes of getting laid? you’re so fucking selfish. i don’t even like twilight and i think you’re dumb.

  204. Dude, seriously., 4 years ago Reply

    Ugh, get a divorce! I mean, I like Twilight, but not more than sex.

  205. LMAO, 4 years ago Reply

    Just a thought: what if Bella never had sex in any of the books? As a third party outsider, that would have been kind of hilarious.

  206. Real Estate Tycoon Falls In Love With Twilight, Sends Out a Memo | It Thing!, 4 years ago Reply

    [...] his employees on how Twilight can help them look at things differently and spark their creativity. Twilight almost wrecked a man’s marriage and seems to be after businesses. This Twilight saga has got to stop! Read the memo in it’s [...]

  207. Brian, 4 years ago Reply

    to be honest, the fact that you put up with this is absolute bullshit. You should have dropped that bitch along time ago. Probably around the same time she told you no sex until a fictional character decided to open her legs to a goddamn vampire. This woman is obviously mentally insane. GET OUT NOW. don’t waste another day. Fuck that shit

  208. Your mom, 4 years ago Reply

    … If this was real, then you both desperately need to see a therapist. This was not funny. It was depressing.

  209. Dani, 4 years ago Reply

    Ohmygod. Your wife has some kind of mental disorder, dude. I mean… It’s a book… with fictonal characters. I really could care less about twilight, but I’ve read them and they’re not at all a big deal. My sister had a small obsession, but she hates it now. Now, she just has a crush on Robert Pattinson. Nice guy. I’d rather her like him than that Taylor Lautner fag. Anyway, your wife is psycho. My sister never ever had it that bad. You should of gotten her help.

  210. Kirsten, 4 years ago Reply

    o.0 Wtf? I miss the days when I first read Twilight and it was unknown. Because then I could have a rational discussion with someone about it. There is a ridiculous amount of stigma (as well as a ridiculous cult following.) Bleh. I miss when moderately liking the book because it was decent for teenage romancey blah was ok. Women like this guys wife, good god…it makes me sad.

  211. Ozzman, 4 years ago Reply

    ¿Is this true? if it is, I don’t know how you still sleep with your wife, or even how you haven’t gotten divorced, that’sthe sickest thing I have read in a long time… sorry if it was rude but just the reading of that was disturbing..

  212. Sarah, 4 years ago Reply

    Why would you blame Twilight when your wife is clearly batshit insane? Most people who read the series (including myself) are sane, rational people who understand the meaning of the word FICTION.

  213. itemforty, 4 years ago Reply

    If your wife calls you Edward, you should break up with her. It’s not Twilight hatred that provides that advice, but instead, the fact that she doesn’t love you anymore.
    That is, if you or she even exist. High-five!

  214. ohai, 4 years ago Reply

    You’re wife is fucking insane. I read all the Twilight books and the plot was extremly flimsy, full of cliches, and frankly Edward’s creeper level is equal to that of Hannibal Lecter’s. Harry Potter completely supercede’s Twilight. I don’t see why she would get so pissed about you asking her to dress up as Hermione Granger, I also find it completely fucked up that she would comply and the constantly bring it up like it was some big deal. I’m all for Harry Potter roleplay and I don’t find anything wrong with any sort of roleplay. Although her fantasizing that you are Edward Cullen everytime you two have sex is just wrong. You need to have a talk with her and maybe give her some vampire roleplay; cover yourselfin glitter and blood and sit in a bathtub full of ice for about an hour. That way the rolplay is balanced out. She was Hermione, you were Edward.
    If she still continues to act in such a pyschotic manner I highly recomend a marriage consouler.
    I hopeall works out for you.

  215. NekoK, 4 years ago Reply

    If your wife is capable of acting like that, developing such self-harming and dangerous fetishes, she needs a psychologist. And if you still haven’t left her, you are either pathetic, lazy, or very much in love. Anyway, I still kind of pity you.

  216. NekoK, 4 years ago Reply

    And before you told your wife about the spoiler, why didn’t you take a minute and just think… “Hmm, if anyone told me XY died in the 7th HP book before I could read it, how would I react…?”

  217. Nicki, 4 years ago Reply

    Its not the book’s fault. Its’ your wife. She’s obviously just a psycho.

  218. anon, 4 years ago Reply

    The book is awful. Your wife, however, needs serious help. I’m a total fantasy nerd but I know whats real life and whats fake. Books are there to draw parallels to our lives and to give us a bit of an escape. Get her some help.

  219. Atticus, 4 years ago Reply

    You should have left that crazy whore long ago.

  220. Mises, 4 years ago Reply

    Grow a pair, get a divorce, leave her in a way that lets her know she’s a pathetic bitch obsessed with a fucking kids book.

  221. saxyphone, 4 years ago Reply

    I don’t even know what to say about this. Is it wrong that the most entertaining part of this story is the ridiculous arguments/comments people are posting? If this is simply a story, props for an excellent job. If this is a true story….I hope she gets help. Or you get a divorce, one of the two….actually, you might want both.

    • Mike, 4 years ago Reply

      Saxyphone, you nailed it!
      I feel like we are having a conversation in the middle of a hail storm.

  222. Cephalopod, 4 years ago Reply

    I feel you pain. Mine talks about it all the time. It disgusts me.

  223. Sebastian, 4 years ago Reply

    Sir, I’m sorry to say that your wife suffers from some form of obsessive compulsion and possibly even early signs of borderline personality disorder.

    Right now it’s Twilight but she will find other things that will always come before you.

    Honestly, get out now while you still can, before you have kids, or get her into serious therapy.

    Good luck

  224. Ticketgirl, 4 years ago Reply

    BRILLIANCE!! This was hilarious! Thanks for the laughs! But don’t worry, she will eventually discover fanfic and become the nymph you always dreamed of.

  225. Leslie, 4 years ago Reply

    this is the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever heard. and everyone referring to this guy as an insensitive asshole is also fucking insane. that woman needs some fucking help. i think a couple of the wires in that lady’s brain have shorted.

  226. toni clark, 4 years ago Reply

    this is a classic case of being mental. if i were you i would do one of two things… 1) leave your wife for calling you edward everytime you do the grown up. or 2) show her how it feels, act like your obsessed with a really hot actor and call out that girls name while your gettin jiggy with it. catch my drift??? OOOHHHHHH MEGAN FOX!!!!

  227. ahhhhhh, 4 years ago Reply

    bitches yo

  228. Sammy, 4 years ago Reply

    Ok, people. Quite obviously, he is exaggerating things. Maybe his wife did take a “vow of chastity.” Whatever. Many married couples have gone much longer than six months without sex; maybe it was exciting for her. But cutting her fingers on glass, licking the blood off her fingers, and then “several transfusions later”? Hello, he’s clearly exaggerating for the purpose of comedy.

    So lighten up.

  229. no, 4 years ago Reply

    You’re such a pussy for still being married. Faggot.

  230. definately_not_you, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow what a way to tuck your wiener between your legs. I’m sure you also let her tool you in the butt once in a while haha. Did you also take her last name at the wedding?! I think that was code for your wife wanting to leave your no penis having ass. You believe her wanting to take a vow of celibacy to some how connect to a character in a book series? More like she is banging the black dude down the street!

  231. brandy, 4 years ago Reply

    ok so i thought this would be another person saying they hate twilight for no real reason but you definately have a good one! i loved the books but i fully understand why you hate them.

  232. Roivas, 4 years ago Reply

    Why are people having such a cow about this? This is obviously a joke.

  233. Nebulos, 4 years ago Reply

    That’s why i will not watch those movies..

  234. whynot, 4 years ago Reply

    I have the perfect solution to bring you and your wife close.
    Get all romantic with dark red wine, tell her it’s blood, get some glitter and sprinkle it on your body then take her anally without permission and do it hard without prep or lube.
    Then take the blood from her anus and spread it on her face and nose and mouth and say something romantic like ‘tonight we dine on lust blood’.

    Problem: solved

  235. Patrick, 4 years ago Reply

    You should have divorced her… that is completely pathetic and childish and in no way even closely resembles a fully functioning adult human female. Stephanie Meyer is the worst author ever, none of her characters are any deeper than a mud puddle.

  236. Chris, 4 years ago Reply

    This is a joke. Has to be. It’s just too funny and to crazy.

  237. Anon, 4 years ago Reply

    Good God. I really, really do hope that was a joke, because otherwise…
    I have to put up with a girl who is quite literally psychotic. And I had to listen to her ridiculous claims. She literally thinks that a man who is like Edward would be perfect for her. “Well,” I asked her, knowing she saw me as a brother figure, “What if it was ME watching you while you sleep?”
    Her response is that she would be grateful. It really is just…

  238. Grapes, 4 years ago Reply

    I’m sorry dude. Are you sure there isn’t something actually wrong with her…like…emotionally. I mean I can sort of relate to all of this Twilight nonsense. When I was 11-15 years old me and my two best friends LOVED Harry Potter, I read all the books, I had Harry Potter birthday cakes, I had all the posters, I went to all the midnight showings of the films, I had the action figures. I was a serious, serious fan. My best friends dad even made me a custom Harry Potter wand for my 13th birthday, I am 22 and I still have it. So I can kind of relate to the fan-girl aspect of your story. But the difference is that I was a child, Harry Potter is a children’s story and I was allowed to be ridiculous like that. My obsession with Harry Potter got me teased every now and again but it never damaged any relationships, or adversely effected anyone else. But there was a reason I loved Harry Potter so much. Harry was an orphan and when I was 10 my father died. I was struggling with coming to terms with his death and Harry Potter was an excellent escape for me. I felt very connected to him and I felt as if he was apart of me and I loved the freedom the story provided. So I guess I am wondering, when I was a kid, I became obsessed with a book series to help me deal with things that were out of my control, maybe your wife is doing the same thing. You and your wife need to sit down and discuss what is going on with her, outside of Twilight. Ask her how she feels about her job, about her friends, and about the future. Maybe something is upsetting her and causing her to take refuge in this ridiculous story. And you might want to evaluate your own role in the relationship. While you sit and play your xbox your wife is becoming dangerously obsessed and hurting herself and you. And I am not sure in this kind of situation that you can blame the book (though I am not defending it, I hate Twilight too), maybe this crazy behavior is due to some kind of fear, sadness or dissatisfaction she has within her life…….

    • Michaela, 4 years ago Reply

      Okay, now, I don’t agree with the fact that you called Harry Potter a ‘children’s book’ it’s for everyone. Unlike Twilight. I have seen SEVEN YEAR OLDS reading Breaking Dawn, disturbing? yes! I read all of them and I HATE THEM.
      If you only read one book of a series and say you hate them, you’re closed-minded, I feel you at least have to give it a chance, but the amount of twi-spawn in bookstores makes me scared to enter.

  239. ManikMagik, 4 years ago Reply

    Dear internet,
    I married an idiot.

    The end.

  240. Wormd, 4 years ago Reply

    All I can say is, don’t give your wife The Shining.

  241. moniker, 4 years ago Reply

    well, I read the saga, yes I did. I am a female, really am. I like the books… 100% they were very interesting, page turners you could say. as an adult on the other hand I grasped the reality that these were fictional characters meant for nothing more then entertainment. also, edward never hurt bella during making out n such, actually quite the opp. your wife must have had that fetish far before. honestly tho.. take her to see a shrink, there is something wrong with her.

  242. James Cooljohn, 4 years ago Reply

    Twilight didn’t force your wife to do anything. It was your wife’s actions (choices) in the situation that you hated, not Twilight.
    Okay, well you probably hate Twilight too.
    I would have a difficult time swallowing such an expression of immaturity without having a serious conversation about it. For a couple weeks? Maybe (marriage). But sounds like it went on for a good month? Maybe longer? That’s absurd.
    Then again, I don’t know if you expressed your frustration with the thing to begin with. Maybe your attitude towards such a thing is what makes you work for each other. …Maybe. Would drive me and I think almost anyone else up a fucking wall and beyond, though.
    Best wishes.

    P.S., I read the comment below by “whynot” and laughed harder then I have in a very long time.

  243. Terry, 4 years ago Reply

    The problem here isn’t twilight: it’s that you have no balls. You deserve what you get for putting up with this kind of crap.

  244. John, 4 years ago Reply

    If that bitch calls out to Edward you need to slap her in her goddamn face. That’s bullshit.

  245. Ruffadelic, 4 years ago Reply

    You should take her to see this: http://www.vampiressuckmovie.com/ ;-)

  246. RandomGuy2931, 4 years ago Reply

    ha you got 1000G on COD 4
    Kudos to you man
    and about your wife screaming edwards name in bed
    maybe try to bring a gag into the bedroom.
    just thinking mit not shut her up compleatly but well
    sould make it inaudible at the least
    and maybe implemet some earplugs for you self and just enjoy the
    blissfull pleasure in silence

  247. sab, 4 years ago Reply

    Dude, all I have to say is holy sh– wtf? and if this is actually real… i am so, so sorry, and please just run far, far away.

  248. Jack, 4 years ago Reply

    You need to divorce that crazy bitch.

  249. soap, 4 years ago Reply

    All that sucks and all, but i just stopped caring what you thought as soon as you called cod4 dumb.

  250. Chelsey, 4 years ago Reply

    Divorce the cunt. No seriously. SHE IS A CUNT. You deserve way better than her. If she’s calling out Edward during sex, you should leave her. She deserves it. She’s fucking crazy. No person in their right mind would A) cut you while making out(tho I’m open minded to fetishes, yours clearly was not), B) not call a fucking ambulance till you told her you believed it was an accident, C) stop talking to you over a fucking spoiler, as if it wasn’t obvious (by what a shitty writer Stephanie Myers is) how it would end, D) abstain from sex for months because of A BOOK, and E) yell out “Edward” during sex. Tell the bitch she’s not having sex with Edward, she never will have sex with Edward, even if he did exist, he’d never have sex with someone as crazy as her, and leave. Trust me, you’re gonna be miserable if you don’t…actually it seems like you already are, so I’ll just say it won’t get better…it will probably get worse. This is so disturbing to me I don’t even care if this gets cut off for language. She is a crazy cunt. This nex statement is about as unrealistic as I get:if I take over the world, I will have all Twilight books stacked into some amazing sculpture and burn it to the ground, and take all the looneys like her to an island where they can go crazy and eventually die off since it will all be women and a few gay men, so there’s no chance of procreation.

  251. zilla, 4 years ago Reply

    He should have cut his losses (no pun intended). She needed a dose of reality.

  252. 1234codename, 4 years ago Reply

    I hate to tell you this, but I don’t think all that should be blamed on the Twilight series or the ladies at work. It’s your wife dude. She’s totally mental.

  253. K-she Bro^2, 4 years ago Reply

    Man, you poor thing. You should talk to her about these obsessive behaviors. Not healthy.

  254. Cara, 4 years ago Reply

    I am a girl. I read Twilight. My opinion is, and I believe this is the truth: IT IS NOT A GOOD PIECE OF LITERATURE. It is mediocre, mediocre and belongs on a dusty old bookshelf at a used bookshore. It does not deserve media hype and it certainly does not deserve to be compared with actually well-written literary works. The extent of the plot is: Bella is an ordinary girl. Enter Edward, commence 500 page description of Edward’s perfect body. Bella is obsessed with Edward. Edward is obsessed with Bella. There is the plot for you. No where in there is there real character development, an intricate and well-written plot, or interesting diction or sentence structure. But, combine an unsatisfied soccer mom/inexperienced pre-teen/desperate, lonely woman with a story about an undead Ken doll falling in love with a plain-looking, obscure girl, and you have got a recipe for a media craze train wreck where mediocrity is glorified in a sick, pathetic mess.

  255. :), 4 years ago Reply

    ha! She sounds hot lmfao

  256. free range kitty, 4 years ago Reply

    sounds like your wife is a crazy bitch!! i could see twilight appealing to 12 year old girls but that is just ridiculous.

  257. Mikey, 4 years ago Reply

    That’s sad. You should end that relationship and she can continue living her fantasy little life. You should remind her that the story is for teenagers.

  258. Michaela, 4 years ago Reply

    Why on earth DIDN’T you divorce her, it would have made your life much easier, amd you could find another Harry Potter fan who would want to dress up as Hermione (because seriously what Potter fangirl wouldn’t?) and would spend hours on Horcrux theories with you instead of the probable ‘eh, maybe’-style reply?
    Silly man.

  259. matt, 4 years ago Reply

    yea i’m kind of confused at a bit of hypocrisy on your wife’s behalf, you said she was accusing you of threatening her identity yet she surrendered it to the twilight books anyway

    i’ll never understand why women become so emotionally attached to inanimate object/stories

  260. Anon, 4 years ago Reply

    Your wife is retarded. Leave her ASAP.

  261. uh ok, 4 years ago Reply

    ok either you got really creative with your story of hatred towards twilight (which I hope is the case), or your wife needs some serious therapy.

  262. Nathan, 4 years ago Reply

    Yeah, you should have left your wife on Christmas day.

  263. Dan, 4 years ago Reply

    wow. your wife is freakin psycho dude… and you are a moron for blaming a book for your wifes retarded decisions. If i were you i’d take her to a damn insane asylum. maybe you both need to be if you can blame something on a fictional book lol.

  264. Joey, 4 years ago Reply

    Who’s the bigger idiot?
    Your wife for being an obsessive lunatic still wooed by the plights of adolescent boners;
    -or-
    You for not getting a fucking divorce before you populate the world with more half-retards?

  265. Katie, 4 years ago Reply

    Twilight isn’t responsible for all of that psychotic shit. Your wife is.

  266. Cleverdan, 4 years ago Reply

    I am so sorry.

  267. Stumbler, 4 years ago Reply

    This guy must think his wife is a piece of meat. In addition, Twilight is freakin’ BORING. I don’t see any charm in Bella. I saw the first movie and the latest one, “Eclipse” and was bored to tears. I would rather suffer through “The Last Airbender”.

  268. Rin, 4 years ago Reply

    Coming from a female, I must say…

    What the FUCK is wrong with you? Are you so pathetic that you can be shoved into a glass coffee table and not slap that bitch? Divorce! Leave! Idiot!

    You’re as stupid as she is. I’m calling bullshit.

  269. Gus, 4 years ago Reply

    Damn… your wife sucks
    but damn… you suck at life. “Potter Geek”? Hermione Granger cosplay?

    BTW, Twilight sucks, but your text sucks also.
    Fuck you both.

  270. Louis Edward, 4 years ago Reply

    All I gotta say is… wow! Honestly man I don’t know what your deal is but your wife has a severe case of being crazy. But in all seriousness, she actually has developed a severed psychological problem ( I was going to say dilemma but that just isn’t the right word in this case). For some reason your significant other has developed an unhealthy attachment to the twilight series, this I’m sure your aware of. But although you may be able to simply “deal” with things the way they are now, this will in fact escalate to having serious issues in the future. Right now the only thing your dealing with is an unhealthy attachment to a fictional story and a strange sexual fetish reverting back to the series. Unfortunately my friend this will get worse… far before it gets better if that is even the correct word to use. What she undoubtedly has yet to think of is the fact that This Series WILL END whether it be months or years from now there will be Twilight no more. This will create a severely harsh and indefinite case of separation anxiety. Then it will lead to depression, potential bi-polar disorder, severe irrational thinking, thus effecting life as you and she now knows it. Please seek professional help on this matter, I bid you the best of luck.

    Sincerely,
    A concerned Individual

  271. georg, 4 years ago Reply

    stupid twi-tards

  272. kurisu7885, 4 years ago Reply

    I hope this isn’t real….

    But if it is, I applaud your patience, as you must really love her.

    And I’d be hurt too if even my girl friend called out a fictional guy’s name in bed, as it’s almost like saying “You’re not good enough”

    Hell, I’ve read stories of guys who have gotten punched out of nowhere in a book store for just saying they don’t care for these books. I began to hate it more when some girl said it was better than Lord of the rings, even saying the book was based on the movies. I think my throat burned from the bile coming up.

    In another case an Ex of mine suggested i go as Edward for motor City Comic con when I already planned going as engineer. All I said was “Well at least I woudln’t need to shower for a few days.

    Regardless, if real, either get her help or get out.

  273. Doomie, 4 years ago Reply

    FUCKIN DIVORCE THAT BITCH.

  274. Jayme, 4 years ago Reply

    Um… dude… hate to tell u but you married a nutcase! If it wasn’t twilight it’d be something else. A psycho is a psycho is a psycho! LEAVE!

  275. WATADIK, 4 years ago Reply

    Your wife sounds like a right cock.

  276. Sam, 4 years ago Reply

    Hahaha and women asks me why most men hate twilight :P

    Tho I think the whole series of sparkling vampires and werewolfs are great, havent read it or watched it and im pretty sure ill never will, but its a great tool to weed out potential psycho-girlfriends.
    So whenever im on a date or meet a new girl i find intresting i do the Twilight-test, I rather bluntly ask them about twilight, if she goes into a state of trance simply by the mentioning of it i leave right away. Tho if she simply says “Well yea i liked it…” I do the second phase of the test, which is to completly verbally sodomise the entire idea of how Edward is supposed to be a sparkling “vampire” and just try to tear down her fantasy of suckless-innocent-sparkling-vampire-romances as much as possible for 5 min, if she can take it, without stabbing me with the nearest fork (has happened), ill take a chance on her.

    However if she simply says “No, i effing hate that movie/book/gaysparklingvampire”, then we instantly get a deep connection thru our hatred, which has gained me a few really good relationships.

    Try it out, tho i cant promise you that you wont be harmed…

  277. Dan, 4 years ago Reply

    Back in MY days, vampires sucked blood, not penises.

  278. Pierre, 4 years ago Reply

    Dude, leave you’re wife.
    Who needs a woman with an adolescent mind? Clearly she’s not the kind you really want to keep around. Just sayin’

  279. Pierre, 4 years ago Reply

    I would cheat on her definitely. Then things would be fair.

  280. Bob, 4 years ago Reply

    I don’t even believe in divorce and I think even I would have given her an ultimatum. Either she burned all her Edward books and promised never to buy, accept, or read any books from that author again or I would leave and take everything I possibly could with me. I also would probably get her counseling if she finally accepted me over “Edward”.

  281. Aled Evans, 4 years ago Reply

    You made your wife dress up as Hermione Granger? You sick fucking Paedo, ur both freaks!

  282. brianna, 4 years ago Reply

    i can’t see why any woman would go that far over a book. her intrest seemed reasonable until she stated that she would remain “virgin” until Bella and Edward have sex. thenstarted tasting her own blood? what the hell? this woman is a mental case! its a damn good thing you had COD4 dude. or else you might not have survived.

  283. Sane person, 4 years ago Reply

    Your wife is in serious need of mental help. I’m not even trying to be snarky, I am a concerned citizen. I love twlight like the next chick but it’s just a book. there are obviously other darker aspects in her pscyhe that need to be resolved. Please have her seek a medical professional as soon as possible.

  284. B., 4 years ago Reply

    I’m so jealous you got all the achievements in CoD 4, I just couldn’t beat no fighting in the war room on veteran :(

  285. Some Girl You'll Never Meet, 4 years ago Reply

    Poor, poor man. I’m 15, and the last time I enjoyed those books, I was 12. It’s depressing how many grown women have the mental capacity of a 7th grade girl.

  286. mikey, 4 years ago Reply

    why the hell did you even marry her? you got what you deserved.

  287. Angie, 4 years ago Reply

    You’re just as crazy as her for not ending the relationship. That is the most ridiculous reaction to that movie I have ever heard, and she isn’t even in high school. Its not even crazy, its psycho!

  288. SS, 4 years ago Reply

    This is a joke right??? Let me just say, I am a woman, I’m even pretty emotional&defensive about respecting boundaries and that sort of thing. I get pissed off if someone I’m with even talks about other women. But half a year without sex????? because of a book??? you had every right in the world to go find someone else to do it with! and if i were you i’d be off that the second i realized she was serious about the vow of chastity. like, literally man, I think your wife’s insane, I really do.

  289. Bob, 4 years ago Reply

    Sounds like the problem was more that you married a fucking lunatic and less that someone wrote a dumb book about celibate vampires.

  290. Mike, 4 years ago Reply

    You need to end that shit asap. Are you kidding? If my girlfriend ever even ONCE called out someone else’s name while we were having sex it would be over before the next moan, no questions asked. There are some things which are simply intolerable, and that is one of them. Another is liking the Twilight series, which, in my opinion, is a good enough reason to kick someone to the curb in the first place. And let’s not even discuss refusing to have sex until some fictional character from the deranged mind of a self-righteous bitch decides to. Get your diamond back and find somewhat whose mental capacity does more than rival that of a snail’s. I cannot believe that something like this is even possible.

  291. badbadkitty, 4 years ago Reply

    Your wife is crazy!!!!!! I hate TWILIGHT because it is the worst Vampire stories ever written. Its terrible crap! I love however many other vampire series by other authors but I would never ever not have sex with my husband because of a book. She belongs in a looney bin!

  292. worduptothemother, 4 years ago Reply

    As I believe that you should hate Twilight if it bothers you that much. The bigger issue here is not a fake story line that was written for pre-teens, it’s you’re wife. If she is that crazed about the story and that compelled by it she needs to start seeing someone and talking to them about how it’s only a story and that she may be throwing herself into this world of Edward because there are much much bigger issues going on in her psychie.
    Also Huge Harry Potter fan as well. (visit the theme park if you get a chance. it’s the most amazing thing ever)

  293. Joey, 4 years ago Reply

    What a pussy. What kind of self respecting man are you? I would have told that stupid bitch looking for her so called identity to grow some tits and nevermind what Bella’s dumb ass is doing. Bella is the most retarded clutz of a woman I’ve ever read about. Completely mad with obsession in a boy hundreds of years old and never even fucking fell in love before? And that’s the man Bella wants? Ok… Perfect match. Clearly the representation of the Mormon twit who wrote this crap. This Saga is complete and utter 8th grade reading comprehension, any any person who likes the story is first off void of basic common sense, deprived of how the real fucking world works, and socially fucking retarded. This i NOOOOOT a story about love. This is a story about idiots in high school. And a grown woman (in this case your wife) is stuck still in high school? Well believe me the bimbo isn’t alone. Bella is in love with a man who shows no emotion other than anger. That’s real fucking healthy, and she’s dumb as a sack of dead kittens. Seems to me like too many little girls, including your pussy wife, should just marry their fathers. If I were you I’d have moved the fuck out. And by the way, don’t buy your stupid wife a Bible. That will surely wreck your life if your wife is that easy to mindfuck.

    • Rachel, 4 years ago Reply

      Applause! well said!

  294. zach, 4 years ago Reply

    sounds like your wifes a dumb cunt to me.

  295. Lucas, 4 years ago Reply

    Divorce that bitch

  296. Maddii, 4 years ago Reply

    Dude, thats ridiculous.
    She calls out Edwards name? Time for a new wife to restart that life.

  297. drewpy, 4 years ago Reply

    Dude that sucks, don’t tell her their is a spoof movie coming out called Vampires Suck. I cannot believe how much people love this series and how teens are even biting one another.

  298. theultimate747, 4 years ago Reply

    I feel your pain good sir. It is due to this and other tales directed at women that have damned men for ages. These women are reading a story and expecting to find their prince charming in the real world, expecting and demanding. Letting it warp their vision of reality and putting cinderella beer goggles on.

  299. Pie, 4 years ago Reply

    Good God, divorce this psychotic bitch. Really, I’m sorry but if she’s that kind of obsessive (and of course obsessed with books written for pathetic, teen-age, emo retards) there is obviously something wrong with her. Someone should announce on the web that there is an official meeting at Disneyland, Six Flags, or somewhere the like… get as many of these fans in there as possible, then bar the doors and burn it to the ground.

    • Really?, 4 years ago Reply

      Speaking of psychotic, you are suggesting a mass burning of fans of a series that really has no serious negative effect on your life. I would say that is more psychotic than abstinence.

  300. Really?, 4 years ago Reply

    “Call me a caveman, but I thought romance was supposed to lead to sex . . . isn’t that the point?”

    No. That’s not the point. It very well could be for you….in that case I don’t blame her for doing what she did.

  301. Matt Heisler, 4 years ago Reply

    I’d divorce anybody who called out someone else’s name during sex, fictional or not. I feel for you dude, I really do.

  302. troll, 4 years ago Reply

    This story was shopped

  303. Mallon, 4 years ago Reply

    If this is true then this guy should have left his wife…that chick sounds like some insane schizo bitch

  304. Kas, 4 years ago Reply

    She… she… she calls out to Edward? LEAVE HER. NOW.

  305. Serph, 4 years ago Reply

    For the record, this guys wife doesn’t deserve real human companionship.

  306. MarStar, 4 years ago Reply

    That is very sad indeed. There are really only two options here.

    1)Find a good therapist for couples counseling – and I mean, really research those people. Consider what you need – what type of therapist, and what sort of treatment you will be most comfortable with. Interview them. Any psychologist worth a damn will give you 20 minutes of their time to determine whether or not they will be of use to you.

    2)If therapy does not bring your wife to quickly realize, apologize for, and begin to resolve all of the resultant problems caused by her insane behavior, then please at least separate from her. Maybe that would bring her back to reality.

    I would just say that you should leave her, if it were not for the fact that she is obviously in poor mental health.

    If this is in fact a fictional story, then bravo! I felt real sympathy for the narrator.

  307. Eeep, 4 years ago Reply

    Ok well I suppose you must be from one of those states where the legal age to marry is 13. I remain confused as to the amount of discussion you successfully prompted however.

  308. Sherry, 4 years ago Reply

    For God’s sake man – do not let her read the Sookie Stackhouse books. You know, the ones that the True Blood HBO series is based on. You may not make it out alive.

  309. peoplerstupid, 4 years ago Reply

    The wife needs psychiatric help, and he should have divorced her long ago.

  310. Mary, 4 years ago Reply

    Dude, don’t hate Twilight, it’s just a series of books, you know, like Harry Potter that made kids get on a broom and try to fly… your wife on the other hand, needs medical attention…

  311. afds, 4 years ago Reply

    There is a middle ground…

    It’s nothing new that every moron with a blog is jumping on the bandwagon and hating Twilight with every fiber of their being… supposedly. Though I’m sure it’s the in thing to mindlessly hate Twilight as much as it is to like it.

    This entire wall of blog-drama you spawned lost it’s purpose after you proved to be yet another one of these individuals within the first paragraph. There’s no reason to continue reading because I know exactly what it’s going to be about.

    “Wahh I hate twilight please pay attention to my culturally safe rant.”

    Boring and boring.

  312. Ric, 4 years ago Reply

    If even 10% of this article is true, you are the biggest pussy I have ever heard of.

  313. akaabbey, 4 years ago Reply

    I think this is Totally hilarious!!…Just read it like fiction (Which I did). Some parts had me laughing so hard I was crying. LOL – I think this guy should write his own book….

  314. jorge gallardo, 4 years ago Reply

    She’s having an affair, no sex for months…maybe for you…no sex…for the other guy….Hell Yhea! Suggest this next time around…..either we have sex more often like twice a week or I’ll get it else where. You don’t have to bother with sex…just let me have sex.

  315. Amy, 4 years ago Reply

    Are you kidding? Your wife is insane. I can’t believe someone would be that incredibly spiteful over a book! Have you gone to marriage counseling? Seriously.

  316. Funniest Twilight Article I’ve Read To Date « Twilight Anthropology, 4 years ago Reply

    [...] “Life Beyond Twilight” about a similarly miserable married man. The article is called, “Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and My Life).” To make a long story short, this man buys his wife a copy of Twilight for Christmas. She [...]

  317. mason, 4 years ago Reply

    hahaha the new twilight geez team crazy bitch and team dude y the fuck are you still with her?

  318. kim, 4 years ago Reply

    First of all there is a middle between hating the book and loving it. I do enjoy the book I admit It’s not my favorite…but I also enjoy other books. Also there is nothing wrong with the characters not having sex. they aren’t even adults yet. And last it’s not twilight’s fault…your wife has developed an unhealthy infactuation the fault belongs to none other than herself.

  319. Brandon, 4 years ago Reply

    Your wife is a crazy bitch and you should have left her a long ass time ago.

  320. Anderson, 4 years ago Reply

    I gotta agree with Kim up there. I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t think it’s the books that are ruining your marriage, it’s the fact that your wife is a psycho. Stop bitching about it and tell her to grow up (or leave…). Nobody likes a whiny man.

  321. Odds and Ends « Twilight Anthropology, 4 years ago Reply

    [...] last post was a light-hearted analysis of a funny Twilight-related article titled, “Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and My Life).” I found that article on a one of a kind website called “Life Beyond Twilight.” I haven’t [...]

  322. Michelle, 4 years ago Reply

    OMG and I thought I was bad for watching the latest movie twice…it is great how you can turn a sad story in to such a funny article though :)

  323. Kristy, 4 years ago Reply

    You’re some kind of man if you stayed after that.

  324. Douglas, 4 years ago Reply

    Your wife is a childish moron. Divorce her on principle, unless you can’t do better. Understand that if you don’t you will be forever bound to someone who treated her marriage like a fifteen year old cheerleader treats a fling with the quarterback.

    You didn’t do anything about it? You just let it slide after it was over? What happens the next time a fad like this hits?

    Respect yourself. Dump the Twitard.

  325. Allie, 4 years ago Reply

    Thats just sad…and sick…and funny lol

  326. Siobhan, 4 years ago Reply

    Wtf. I read the Twilight series. It was obsessed as a middle schooler. I survived and outgrew it. Your wife is obviously an immature idiot and you should NOT be with someone who deliberately calls out the name of a fictional character. THIS WOMAN SOUNDS LIKE A LOSER.

  327. DJ, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow… I have a deep hatred of twilite myself and thankfully, so does my girlfriend. But this is just really bad. To let something as crappy as twilite almost ruin your marrige is just stupid. I meen, twilite really sucks. I remember when vampires and werewolfs were feared creatures of the night. The days of the wolf man, nosferatu, and dracula. Now those were real creaturs of the night. Even there names struck fear into the hearts of men. Now we have… Edward. Oh no… look out… it’s Edward. If you’re not carfule, he’ll sparkle at you. Oh look jacob took his shirt off again… yeah… WTF. In my opinion, this guys wife is in the wrong over 100%. If you are married and you do that to your husband because of what a couple of fictional caracters are doing, you don’t deserve to have that person as a husband. I’m suprised he didn’t cheat on her.

  328. Katherine, 4 years ago Reply

    You know, divorce is legal. X-x;

  329. Tymo, 4 years ago Reply

    I have to applaud the author for being so resilient towards this and staying with this woman longer than most men would of. But, this isn’t healthy and it isn’t going to get him anywhere. I think he needs to get a divorce or get his wife mental help.

  330. Jared, 4 years ago Reply

    For the sake of all humanity, if you dont kill your wife, please leave her.

    Good god man. You have some serious self control!

  331. maria, 4 years ago Reply

    This story sounds extremely contrived. I don’t buy it.

  332. Jake, 4 years ago Reply

    You really should get a divorce.

  333. WTF, 4 years ago Reply

    If she’s calling out a fucking fictional character in a moment when you’re the one sexually pleasuring her, you need to leave her sorry-ass. She obviously is insane giving the cutting and blood-licking. I can’t believe how long you dealt with a person who obviously cares more about a completely fictional “romance” than the actual relational connection she is supposed to have with you. Have fun with your insane wife.

  334. Discodecepticon, 4 years ago Reply

    I am so sorry dude. this article depressed me.

    idk if this is real or not. it it is real then get her some help, please.

    just send her to me and ill slap the shit out of her till shes “team colebenjamin”

  335. sara davis, 4 years ago Reply

    I will never understand the venom of either side on this story. Its a wonderful story, if you don’t like OK. If you do, no need to get all into a ball of rage over dissenting opinions. Its fiction. Love the vampires, ignore those without any imagination.
    And we all need to imagine something during sex. If you’ve been with a partner for a while and you haven’t been thinking of someone else, you’re lying. And sex isn’t exactly a time when self control and self editing are working properly.

  336. Crystal, 4 years ago Reply

    That is sad, pathetic, and completely unacceptable. I’m sad for you that you actually stayed with her through this. Marriage is a big deal, yes, but she obviously doesn’t think so. I’m completely disgusted.

  337. Anonymous Coward, 4 years ago Reply

    You are an idoit. So is your wife.

  338. Mariola, 4 years ago Reply

    I read all the Twilight books, and found them a bunch of drivel. I can’t honestly think of anyone who would make life decisions based on them as sane.

    You deserve it, however, because:

    1) You married an illiterate woman who went nuts upon reading her first “good” book. (As someone who lusts after Hermione, you should be ashamed!)

    2) You didn’t divorce her after the first two months of the crazy oath.

    3) You still haven’t ended it AND let her get away with saying Edward’s name in bed?! Seriously?

    BTW, I see no point in playing Call of Duty for months at a time. What sort of good did that do you? Maybe you developed better hand-eye coordination, but it also warped your sense of reality enough to prevent you from realizing that your wife is INSANE and needs serious psychiatric help.

  339. Annon, 4 years ago Reply

    You’re fucking retarded to put up with that bitch. It’s a stupid book and she and all Twilight followers are a waste of matter.

  340. ema, 4 years ago Reply

    i’m horrified to say i liked twilight once. it was only the first book and after i re-read it i truly understood the true depths of my temporary insanity. yes his story was a lot worse than mine but i went to an all girls school when these books first came out. (thank god i’ve escaped to the moderate reason of college) but at the time i could no more say i hated twilight than that i was pro-life (it was a catholic school). So until i graduated i literally could not escape the book, or the people who talked about it. I heard that people camped out for the Eclipse movie for days (psychos) and while i won’t go that far i’ll be wearing a Twilight trashing shirt and be first in line to see Vampires Suck when it comes out. The worst part about this now is that Stephenie meyers has ruined vampire books for a good five years or so. If you’re caught with one people don’t even give you time to explain that it’s actually a well written good story that happens to have vamps before they dump you into the twilight fan girl group. not to mention the fact that stephenie meyers in an interview once said that writing for her was an “easy” “fun” way to spend the time. As a writer i now want nothing more than for her to be trampled to death by her own fans for even daring to suggest that writing is easy. It Mothertrucking isn’t!!!

    This rant has been brought to you by Ema with sponsoring on the part of Raging Hate Productions.

  341. tonks, 4 years ago Reply

    well, first off, i love you for writing this article. it made my day.

    and the world needs more straight, male, potter geeks like you.

    just sayin’.

  342. kristen, 4 years ago Reply

    Your wife sounds like she might have some psychiatric issues. I mean, there’s a line.

  343. Katie, 4 years ago Reply

    Your title is incorrect. You didn’t “almost” lose your wife to Twilight, you lost her completely. I hope that whatever good qualities your wife has, you somehow feel they compensate for this obsession with a pile of garbage.

    Actually, I don’t think any amount of good qualities would make up for this. I almost cried at the end because of how stupid the human race has become.

  344. Kate, 4 years ago Reply

    Dude, leave the cunt, she’s obviously fucked in the head.

  345. she's a keepe...uhh nevermind, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow, first of all. Very nicely written and good presentation. As far as your wife’s outburst with the coffee table, that is where you lost me. I am sorry, but she would not be my wife anymore. To confuse your well-being with a fetish with a novel is borderline sociopath.

  346. Alyssa, 4 years ago Reply

    Is this woman effing crazy? Dude, I feel sorry for you. But…sweet effort/good job at COD.

  347. Hmm..., 4 years ago Reply

    Seriously, leave that woman.

    1) screams another name during sex just because you “ruined” a book.

    2) She sounds like a psycho anyway…maybe you like that.

    PS – stop being so whipped.

  348. Maria, 4 years ago Reply

    dude i feel sooo sorry for you!
    personally i love the story but i hate all the girls that obsess over it. sorry you had to go through this bro. You’re a trooper for putting up with it.

  349. Snuggles, 4 years ago Reply

    i’m really surprised you stayed with her through all of that. i think anyone would of left her after the whole glass thing, but if you can deal with it, more power to you man. i hope if i ever go completely nuts that my fiance stays with me.

  350. PoeticMadnesss, 4 years ago Reply

    absolutely ridiculous. Stupid women like that are the reason why I hate dating now. My first question to the girl is “Do you like Twilight”? If it’s a yes, I just get up and walk away. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that on first dates, and have left with no explanations. Absolutely absurd.

    I would have divorced her after she had said that, and yes; you can divorce someone for withholding sex.

  351. Marius, 4 years ago Reply

    I agree with Snuggles.

    If she ever does that weird shit again, you’ll need to take some special measures. I mean come ooooon! You can’t live this insane stuff just because of a teen-mind-twisting book!

    Just pray to God she won’t hear about True Blood.

  352. Andre, 4 years ago Reply

    She’s lucky this guy put up with this. I would have left her ass and moved to a different state. Find somebody that isn’t a total freaking weirdo over these stupid books

  353. Nexs, 4 years ago Reply

    Mine almost got me killed, i was being crushed by a fat dude in the pool but the lifeguard was reading Twilight

  354. james cecorn, 4 years ago Reply

    well, as much as i would have liked to have read the whole article I quit when he admitted being a ‘potterhead’. in my book you’re just as bad as one of the twilight twats.

    so, i say you guys are made for each other. work it out, whatever the problem is (again, i didnt read your post). but, if she put up with your H.P. shit, you deserve her TL shit.

  355. ash, 4 years ago Reply

    Wow, I am terribly sorry that happening to you. I’ve never read the books because it sounds sappy and vampires kind of symbolizes sexual desires which twilight is completely not, I mean if the author check the historical folklore of vampires she would realize there is no “saving myself” ideas in there psychy, they are very anti-saving myself. Or at least from the spoilers it sounds like nothing is happening for 4 solid books. I know more about the books from people who hate it then fans. :)

    And I had a women at work who would talk about it all the time to me as if I gave a crap about the stupidity of it all. I still want to see the movies because I just want to see the scene where he “sparkles” because that shit sounds funny. But I can’t bring myself to it, it just looks so bad that when I try to rent I ALWAYS see something much better to watch.

    Did I mention I’m a female and I have a real boyfriend that isn’t pretending he is a vampire. Well maybe on halloween you know :D

  356. Scott, 4 years ago Reply

    Well if you knock her up just be sure to let her know that since Jacob’s the father you should be getting child support.

  357. Nemi, 4 years ago Reply

    ok, Twilight really really screwed this guy. Personally I’m thoroughly disappointed in the PG13′ness of breaking dawns ‘sex’ scenes ¬.¬ trashing a few pillows & rocking a headboard is not a good sex scene. J R Ward is the master of sex scenes especially Vampire Sex Scenes.

    There is a middle ground, I liked the books (because I hadn’t read much DECENT vampire fiction stuff) but I completely loathe the movies, I’m forced to bloody watch them by a friend & don’t stop to do more than giggle & rip it to shreds in my head.

    Get your wife to read J R Ward’s Black Dagger Brotherhood series, it’s not teenagers it’s adults & there is gauranteed sex at least once every 4 chapters & the chapters are short but the sex scenes are lonnnnnnnnnnng ^_^

    good luck dude

  358. Shae, 4 years ago Reply

    Your life sucks.

  359. Snake, 4 years ago Reply

    Your wife hates you deep inside and resesnts your pussyness as a male

  360. Man, 4 years ago Reply

    So she cheated on you with a book for most of the year and you did’nt kick her to the curb?

  361. logan, 4 years ago Reply

    Dump her.
    Leave her.
    Do whatever – just get rid of her, she is a fucking psycho

  362. mike, 3 years ago Reply

    i honestly wouldve divorced her she sounds psychotic. and she yells edward in bed? i couldnt take it man…

  363. Raina, 3 years ago Reply

    I read the Twilight series recently, and I’ve been wondering something…

    How can Edward get hard when blood doesn’t flow through his veins!?

    Seriously, if you think about that, it makes the whole chastity thing pointless. Not to mention the books didn’t show any of the actual sex. I feel ripped off.

    Mate, you suffered for nothing.

  364. Emily, 3 years ago Reply

    Might I suggest the Anita Blake series? There’s no sex for the first few books, but after that Hamilton more than makes of for it by stripping the plot down to the main character having sex with multiple vampires and werewolves. Errr…wait I can see the downside to that. Never mind.

  365. anon, 3 years ago Reply

    Divorce, now. I don’t care if you “love my wife” divorce her ass, she is a waste of existence, and a waste of oxygen. Anyone who follows the bullshit story, shitty writing style, and fake, incomplete characters that are made up in the evil stupid cunt of a human being known as Stephen whothefuckcares should be lined up at a firing range in Utah and taken out, or at bare minimum lose their husband and be lost forever without love, because she will never find a fucking vampire like Edward to love her, because, besides not being real, the mythical ones don’t glitter in the sunlight, love, not drink human blood, or prance like a little girl, but they are heartless, cold, murderous, sensual assholes, who will kick your ass, and then fuck your daughter. So divorce her, know.

  366. Deanna, 3 years ago Reply

    dont hate twilight hate your wife for being an idiot.

  367. Paulie, 3 years ago Reply

    dood its called a divorce. youre a sucker man, get out of this relationship

  368. Calvin, 3 years ago Reply

    I honestly think you should consider some serious couple’s therapy. Her behavior is irrational, disgusting and hurtful and this is unhealthy for her and for you. I can’t believe you put up with this as long as you did.

    I hate your wife almost as much as I hate the Twilight series.

  369. MK, 3 years ago Reply

    Honestly, I think you’re both a little crazy. She’s clearly worse, but from your description of your own extreme obsession with Harry Potter and video games, you could make some changes as well. Fandom is a great thing. It’s fun to get lost in another world temporarily, and it’s sometimes just as fun to share that interest with other people. But there’s definitely such a thing as taking it too far, and the level of obsession described here is unsettling. Have you ever seriously talked to her about how detrimental her obsession is to herself and your relationship? The woman needs a reality check. It’s not fair what she’s doing to you, and I’m willing to bet that it’s having a negative impact on other aspects of her life as well. I don’t know if this was meant to be funny, but I found it mostly sad. I really hope that you are both able to work things out and live a healthier, more balanced life.

  370. joss, 3 years ago Reply

    Mate. . . my absolutely sincerest sympathies.
    I’ll see to it personal like that Stephanie burns in hell.
    you’ll see.
    someday, everything will be ok… someday…

  371. Katie, 3 years ago Reply

    Your wife is an idiot.
    I’m sorry.

  372. Inquisitor, 3 years ago Reply

    She’s not your wife if she screams out his name. Do the Imperium a favor and purge the heretic. Get yourself a new Emperor loving wife.

  373. wingmansrt10, 3 years ago Reply

    How old is your wife? Really? ‘Cause her behavior is rather childish.

  374. jfkdj, 3 years ago Reply

    You can’t really blame Twilight for your wife’s mental illness. Well, you can, and you do, but it makes you look like a tool. When you mentioned your wife’s self-inflicted injuries that required stitches and blood transfusions, it was really obvious that chastity was now a relatively minor problem. Your wife needed help that it sounds like she never got.

    Only someone who is retarded or vengeful would spoil a story for someone else. Even if your wife was normal, or if it was a story you were interested in, what possible outcome would you expect for spoiling the story for her? Gratefulness? Really?

  375. Juju, 3 years ago Reply

    Team Potter.

    We’re not insane.
    We’re not immortal.
    Everything on our minds does NOT revolve around either romance or sex.

    We’re all about MORALS.

    I think you should try to get your wife into the Potterverse again.

  376. TheDragon, 3 years ago Reply

    this is fucking disgusting to read
    i would have divorced her

  377. nate, 3 years ago Reply

    Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I couldn’t be with a woman who I didn’t respect, and I couldn’t respect a woman who did this.

  378. uh, 3 years ago Reply

    Why the hell don’t you dump her?? she’s totally crazy and whatever she says about her identity, she’s got non, she’s not even as dumb as Bella, she’s a bad copy of a damn badly made character!!
    Love’s based on communication, admiration, respect…. i think you have no respect for yourself if you’re still with her, and she has no respect for herself or for you either.
    can’t believe I’m even commenting on this…
    By the way, while I hate Twilight I must say: it’s not its fault, and neither is Stephanie Meyer’s. If you write any stupid sh|t and people suddenly feel like throwing their lives out the window just because of it, it’s their own fault. We have the right to choose. And she chose wrong. She chose to throw love and respect out the window. Hope she doesn’t read anything worse than that anytime soon, or some Greek Mythology when she’s got kids… Not a sane people to keep around or to have kids with…

  379. anonymous, 3 years ago Reply

    leave the stupid bitch

  380. Uhhhhh, 3 years ago Reply

    Uhh, why hate the book (I’m not condoning not hating the book, it’s an embarrassment to society) when it’s your idiot wife who lost touch with reality? You married an emotional infant. You’re both the kind of people who make this world hopeless and dismal.

  381. Evan, 3 years ago Reply

    next time you have ” grateful time” and she even starts to mumble Edwards name, scream, and i mean SCREAM! some random twilight females name, NOT Bella ! do that black haired girl that can see the future, that might set her straight ; )

  382. Joeshun, 3 years ago Reply

    Very funny. You make my day!

  383. rebecca, 3 years ago Reply

    You both are pathetic. You might as well split. Harry potter dork vs. the vampire wannabee. Thank goodness there is no children involved in this relationship. You both need to grow up. HOw old are you two? Which state allows minors to get married? I would guess, but i don’t want to offend anyone on here.

  384. thewiseguy6672, 3 years ago Reply

    sounds like somebody needs to divorce this middle school bitch.

  385. Julia, 3 years ago Reply

    Okay man. You seriously must love the shit outta her. Seriously. I’m a chick, and i think thats outrageous. Sorry, but if i had a wife and she called out another mans name during sex (fictional or not) that bitch would be dropped in a second. As if the BEING PSYCHO and cutting herself wasnt bad enough.

  386. Brian, 3 years ago Reply

    If you thought women were dim before, let them get ahold of twilight. I scarcely believe some of them have the mental capacity to keep breathing sometimes.

  387. KC, 3 years ago Reply

    I suppose you shouldn’t have told her the spoiler alert, because most people get upset about that, but it was pretty horrible of her to withhold sex for half a year based on some book characters. There has to be an underlying issue here. Someone who is going to go as far as drawing blood and cutting off physical intimacy with someone they are supposed to care about more than themselves is terribly unhealthy.

    I would suggest a therapist, both for individual mental instability on your wife’s part and for your relationship. I don’t mean to say that she’s crazy, but she probably needs help and then you two can be happy again.

    I feel really bad for you, too. After being used to a comfortable relationship in which you probably got it on regularly, you had to wait around half a year to do it again. :( Can anybody say “frustration?”

  388. jim, 3 years ago Reply

    man, I feel sorry for you retards!

  389. Danielle, 3 years ago Reply

    ok i say you kill that bitch and move on!!!… No better yet when she calls out to edward… call out to hermione!! or someone better. lol.

  390. ReileeAve, 3 years ago Reply

    Holy shit. I like Twilight in the “bored on a rainy Sunday, cuddle up with a cheesy romance with a blanket in my favorite chair kind of way.” But this chicks is nuts. I mean c’mon guy. You need to either dump her or get her psyche evaluated by a professional. Even then I recommend pills, very very strong prescription pills…..

    And Pshhh. I’d dress up for you as Hermione any day of the week. Stephenie Meyer doesn’t even hold a candle to J.K Rowling.

  391. Josh, 3 years ago Reply

    And this is the reason you hate Twilight?
    grow up man.
    I hate it for much better reasons.

  392. Mela, 3 years ago Reply

    Oh my. This was wonderful. My mom hates twilight as well, she laughed a lot, i made her read :D

  393. John, 3 years ago Reply

    I would have thrown your wife in the fire……..that is outrageous if my wife did the same thing I would have thrown her in the fire as soon as she said I wont do it till bella does….

  394. me, 3 years ago Reply

    I think I would have taken it to the other extreme…. start acting like edward and Jacob to her in a Schizophrenic way…… not that I know how they acts, but from what I’ve read there’s some serious violence going on there…. see how long she keeps the act up…

  395. ZMAT, 3 years ago Reply

    divorce her. now.

    seriously, coming from a girl.. that’s pathetic.

  396. fred, 3 years ago Reply

    Dude…. cheat on her…a lot….. or just divorce her. That freak of a human being doesnt deserve you

  397. Irod Bad, 3 years ago Reply

    You know, you could always cut her head off.

    Consider it an “honour” sort of thing.

  398. Krystal, 3 years ago Reply

    Good lord, get yourself a new wife.
    Your current one is mentally retarded and clinically insane!

  399. Anony, 3 years ago Reply

    For your sake, I hope this was written as a joke. Because otherwise, it means you’re seriously blaming your wife’s twisted obsession and mental instability on a book series. Really?

    Quit spending your time whining about the books and get your wife some help.

  400. Mego, 3 years ago Reply

    You, sir, are made of steel and I tip my hat to you. Hopefully now your wife has returned to a sane, mature state of mind. Or I hope you found a proper girl who shares your Potter love. Although this isn’t even the worst story I’ve heard, working in a book store…

  401. Mace, 3 years ago Reply

    I hope to all that’s holy that this is a joke or your wife is a psycho

  402. D, 3 years ago Reply

    Damn man, sound’s like your relationship wasn’t valued on her end if she could just throw your feelings out with no consideration on how you would feel about the “I don’t want to have sex until Bella does.” Situation… it’s a two way relationship… You should probably re-evaluate your marriage to this person.

  403. Kelly, 3 years ago Reply

    this is crazy. i like the twilight books and so do a lot of people but your wife is waay to extreme. tell her to chill and stop trying to live a fantasy vampire crazy wife life. twilight is not real and shes a psycho if she is STILL acting like this. help her get a healthy hobby like biking or tennis or something so shes not reading and pretending shes characters of books.

  404. Pooper Dooper Screw, 3 years ago Reply

    I hope this story is fake. I really, really hope this story is fake. If it’s not, then I feel incredibly sorry for you.

  405. Marco, 3 years ago Reply

    Wait… There is a Call of Duty 4? ???

  406. Tribe, 3 years ago Reply

    This is obviously fiction.

  407. erm, 3 years ago Reply

    wow…
    lol you need to find another woman.
    I loved twilight but this bitch is retarded

  408. Isoge, 3 years ago Reply

    holy crap, feel for ya man :( but nonetheless, this story made me laugh out hard ^.^

  409. Sarah, 3 years ago Reply

    Wtf don’t blame it on Twilight your wife is CRAZY!!!!!!!

  410. kevin harduar, 3 years ago Reply

    dude… i feel your pain i myself would rather discuss theories on how and why voldemort would use particular items as horcruxes rather than having to even look at a picture of bella and edward. but my wife is obsessed with twilight though not as quite as your wife.wish you luck man.

  411. jordan, 3 years ago Reply

    wow.. i am a lesbian but what a shitty wife

  412. dwreck, 3 years ago Reply

    you’re a fucking pussy for not leaving that psycho bitch

  413. Justin, 3 years ago Reply

    Dude, not to be mean or rude or narrow minded for that matter… but what the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!

    Your wife loses touch with reality on a huge level and you just let it happen. If my wife did that to me I’d just slap her a new… oh wait it’s the 21st century… law suits and shit… I’d take her to a mental institution.

    Seriously, instead of reasoning with your girl (reasoning is not the best weapon against women but then again this ain’t no war) and trying to show her this isn’t a fantasy you go and play Call of Duty? Nice one…

  414. TheWookLook, 3 years ago Reply

    Yeah, your wife’s a wacko.

  415. Colleen, 3 years ago Reply

    you, my good sir, have my DEEPEST sympathy. I hate Twilight too (though not nearly as much as you do) and while it has never nearly ruined my life, it has made parts of it pretty bad. I have to put up with four Twihards in my English class who never even give me a chance to explain why I hate the books. The movies seem to always come out on my birth day, so for the past few years I’ve had to deal with Twilight crap all on my special day. My mom enjoys the books (she says they’re brain numbing and Edward’s perfectness is sometimes soothing) and I can’t insult the books even remotely publicly because SOMEONE will get offended.

    However, Twilight has never ripped me and the one I love apart. It’s never sent me to the hospital, either. I hope this never happens to anyone else ever again, and I’m really sorry it happened to you.

  416. Chris, 3 years ago Reply

    You should have given her an ultimatum. The books or you leave. If she chose the books at that point your relationship wasn’t worth a pile of stale dogshit to begin with.

    Anyway, I’m almost certain this is just made up crap, or that there are at least severe exaggerations. If not, you’re fucking pathetic. Your wife is a complete imbecile, but you don’t deserve any better for being such a pathetically dependent spineless worm.

  417. British, 3 years ago Reply

    You sir are a champ for putting up with all that but….FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

  418. DUH, 3 years ago Reply

    Dude, don’t hate twilight, hate your wife. (And divorce her.)
    Seriously, there’s not something unique and powerful about twilight that turns people into complete fucking psychos.

    It’s just that your wife is a complete fucking psycho.

    How can you read this and not see a depiction of a wildly broken and unhealthy relationship? I mean, you wrote the damn thing. At any point did you consider that you didn’t criticize the damn book once? Nothing about how trite it was, or how bad the writing was or anything. Just an essay about your hellish marriage and how a dumb romance novel came to mean more to your spouse than you do. You could replace every instance of the word “twilight” with “harry potter” and it would be the same story: “How (my mentally unstable wife) almost cost me my marriage.”

  419. Anthony, 3 years ago Reply

    1. i would kill myself
    2. harry potter all the way!
    3. i would totally do the hermione thing too

  420. Dave, 3 years ago Reply

    Did your wife also get Avatar depression when she found out Pandora isn’t a real place and the People arent real? haha

  421. Kate, 3 years ago Reply

    …What the fuck. I would’ve thrown that bitch out the minute she started cutting herself.
    But yeah, now she fucks you and says “Edward” ?
    …Fuck that cunt. You can get better.

  422. Ixum Squixum, 3 years ago Reply

    That’s one of the stupidiest thing I’ve read. A couple of DORKS who deserve each other. Fantasizing about a crappy book about gay wizards and an even crappier book about gay vampires. Second the comment about no kids in this marriage. How the fuck old are you? It’s one thing to read the books and like them (I’ve read the Potter series and I found mildly entertaining), but vows? Hermoine dress up? Jeez!!!!!!

  423. Shannon, 3 years ago Reply

    Wow. Seriously. I agree with the people that say your wife needs mental help. I don’t know why you didn’t leave her. That’s absolutely pathetic and seriously wrong for her to treat you that way. I mean, YOUR WIFE?! You need to find better. Wow. Just, wow.

  424. Jesi, 3 years ago Reply

    Your wife is fucking weird and stupid. First that was no spoiler it was said in the third book they were getting married. I love twilight but your wife is a stupid whore seriously I feel bad for you . GET HER HELP PLEASE DR, PHIL IT

  425. jonathan shepherd, 3 years ago Reply

    I BOW TO THE TROLLMEISTER. BRILLIANT

  426. Erik, 3 years ago Reply

    I wish there was something we could all do to help you. But you obviously don’t hate Twilight as much as your expressing. Otherwise, you’d leave your wife instead of remain in that abysmal, harmful, and unhealthy relationship. Get out. Now. You might still have time to save your happiness as well as your life.

  427. Jon, 3 years ago Reply

    Your wife is obviously fucking delusional and you should either get psychological help for her or you should divorce her stupid cunt.

  428. RaeLynn, 3 years ago Reply

    Dude, I am so sorry for you. Being a female who read that series, I cannot understand why women become so engrossed and fucking obsessed with that series. It was good time-filler while I waited for my high school classes to get over, when I was in school, the target audience. Other then that, I wasn’t too obsessed like my friends who would say their boyfriends are either like Jacob, or like Edward. The series was basically a mad-libs, fill-in-the-blank, poorly put together vampire romance series. Though there could possibly be some good morals involved, like not forgetting about your best friend even though you’re obsessed with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and waiting for sex after marriage, there is nothing different in this series from other romance series, except other vampire romance novels have sex in them. For you to have stuck in your marriage with your wife, with no sex (which is AT LEAST 50% of a relationship), for as long as you did, endure the torture that you placed yourself through without knowing, and to still be with her, you are a true soldier. Never once did you say your wife needed to see a doc, because she most definitely has some psychological bullshit in her head. Thank God for COD 4, hu?

  429. vicky, 3 years ago Reply

    Oh wow! I read the series, but i really only truly love Carlisle. But man, a grl also, i dnt know how grls get so obsessed with a fake vampire. Blade or the Underworld movies, now those are vamps. But man, for you wife to, wow, hold out on you, be, well, a bitch basically, over a fucking BOOK! Is ridiculous! And, i gotta say, i cried at the last part, that part is jus so hurtfully cruel man :( Im sorry. I really hope your marriage is still good dude.

  430. Sparx, 3 years ago Reply

    You’re a sad man. Any woman acting that way is clearly a fucking psychopath. Why did you wait 8 fucking months? MAN THE FUCK UP AND DITCH THAT CRAZY BITCH

  431. Lindsey, 3 years ago Reply

    Oh, you poor, POOR thing! You should be sainted for this torture!

    As a woman, I find Twilight disgusting. I’m actually writing a paper on it at this very moment. I’m discussing how damaging it is to a woman’s perception of a normal relationship–and how damaging it is to any men unfortunate enough to get sucked into this massive black hole that we call “Twilight.”

    I’ll be using some of your story to support my argument. Thank you for posting this.

  432. Daniel, 3 years ago Reply

    I know exactly what you are saying. My wife has done alot of the same things. It started with the books then led to Internet sites followed by fantasy roleplaying, now she doesn’t go a night without being on her site (which she now runs). She now also constantly chats/texts with a guy she met from Canada who I guess found some enjoyment in the Twilight also. She has now told me she hates me because I don’t understand her or her desire to be free. The twilight crap has caused me untold amount of stress in my life. I am a cop so I am stressed enough as it is but then I have to come home to her roleplaying every night is ridiculous. We haven’t had an intimate moment in months, hell haven’t been on a night out with her in who knows how long. Because sheknow hates me she has begun to purchase all types of personal sex toys which she uses while she chats with her twilight buddies. I never imagined that something like this could ever possible influence our lives so much. For both of our sanity I hope my wife realizes what she is doing before it drives me crazy.

  433. lolz, 3 years ago Reply

    Team Ackbar! because team Edward and team Jacob are traps!

  434. maddywoo, 3 years ago Reply

    Um, you should have left her. Something is seriously not right with her.
    “vow of chastity” when you’re married? With all due respect, I wanna punch your wife in the face. You’re not supposed to do that shit when you’re married. These books should be banned, too many people can handle the concept of FICTION.

  435. Rika, 3 years ago Reply

    Damn. Tough love, I guess.
    Crazy bitch :/

  436. Eww, 3 years ago Reply

    It’s women like this that ruin it for the rest of us that are mentally stable and just enjoy a good read. I’m sure after you read Harry Potter you didn’t jump off roofs trying to fly with a broomstick…

  437. Wow, 3 years ago Reply

    Don’t you think it is a bit of a double standard of how middle aged women like your wife can be in love with underage teenage boys, crying their love for them in public displays, where if a middle aged man did the same thing to Bella it would cause a lot of problems? It is interesting the perceptions contained within society.

  438. for serious?, 3 years ago Reply

    Seriously? You married that woman? She needs psychological help! Getting so obsessed with something that you physically hurt yourself is considered mental illness!

  439. Theyseemetrollin'... Theyhatin', 3 years ago Reply

    Thanks for this hilarious, entertaining article. What’s even more hilarious is how serious and insulting these comments are. Can I say GULLIBLE?

  440. Tara, 3 years ago Reply

    DIVORCE THIS BITCH!

  441. Harry P, 3 years ago Reply

    I call fake! First why is your wife at home instead of working when you don’t have kids. If she is only a HS graduate then there is your mistake.

    Still call fake, but funny.

  442. Tyfighter, 3 years ago Reply

    Your wife is a pedophile. Isnt Edward only 17? How come its okay for grown women to publicly wet their panties to Edward and Jacob, but if a man were to be at the midnight premier of the Hannah Montanna Movie, its creepy and disturbing.

  443. Sarah, 3 years ago Reply

    Leave her, run away quickly and quietly…. Twilight is infecting everything!

  444. Isabel, 3 years ago Reply

    Well.
    And here I thought no one hated Twilight more than me.
    I’m also a total potter geek, and when people compare the two, it makes me want to cry. But this,
    well, I respect you a lot for not killing your wife.

  445. Lolo, 3 years ago Reply

    I would love to meet your wife! Only kidding!! Seriously, you should Donkey Punch that bitch while YOU scream out Edward!!!

  446. Chaz, 3 years ago Reply

    wow dude your wife is fucking insane.

  447. BareHands, 3 years ago Reply

    WHAT?!? An adult female allowed some work of fiction dictate to she and her husband? Dude, this has GOT to be one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. She has zero respect for you and your relationship. It is obvious to me she does not really that into you to begin with.

    We are talking about a work of fiction taking precedence over your real life relationship…

    Oh, no, I get it, this story is a fabrication and you are just writing this to get reactions from people, right?

  448. Ben, 3 years ago Reply

    Dude,

    I am so sorry but I don’t care how much you care about someone, that lady you’re married to is psychologically insane. GET AWAY NOW and be grateful for Twilight only because It made you (should have) realize that your. wife. is. batshit. crazy.

  449. maddy, 3 years ago Reply

    you just wasted several minutes of my time by taking the time to write that fake idiotic story. get a life.

  450. ESI, 3 years ago Reply

    To me, it sounds like an obsession problem. Can be resolved but I think you need to take her to a shrink. Good luck!

    PS: I hate it too.

  451. REALITY, 3 years ago Reply

    UHM… THE BITCH IS CRAZY, DITCH THAT BIMBO AND GET A CHICK THAT PUTS OUT AND IS NOT BAT ASS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!

  452. sublime, 3 years ago Reply

    i only have two remarks…your wife is a complete and utter idiot.Secondly,you are a pussy.your wife calls another man’s name during sex and you just eat that crap up.you deserve each other

  453. tom, 3 years ago Reply

    get rid of your wife, sniper rifle, poison, divorce, whatever, anybody that stupid deserves a darwin award and quickly.

  454. Daniela, 3 years ago Reply

    I’m sorry, but the problem here isn’t Twilight. It’s your wife. She is completely crazy!
    If I were you, I wouldn’t have been able to live with a person like that. I’d have divorced as soon as she started to get hurt in purpose just to drink her own blood.

  455. Pottergeek11, 3 years ago Reply

    LOLING at the Hermione Granger thing – I’ve totes got my girlfriend to do that, though I was Harry :P :P But bro, you should have divorced your psycho wife. Bitch is INSANE.

  456. Nicole, 3 years ago Reply

    divorce the crazy bitch and find a girl who doesn’t scream for a sparkling, 109 year old virgin during sex.

  457. Val, 3 years ago Reply

    It’s not the book nor the author’s fault that your wife gets so obsessed with it and can’t even difference fictional from reality.

  458. Stephanie, 3 years ago Reply

    People are the problem, not books. Your wife is a fruit loop and if you blame the books, you also belong on the funny farm. The books may have been a catalyst, but she would have cracked anyway; hardly surprising when her husband is locked away in the la la land of Mortal Combat half the time.

  459. Cara, 3 years ago Reply

    If you’re serious I actually feel bad about laughing so hard when I read this mostly by accident as it was something else that I was googling -entirely twilight unrelated too-. I knew people were getting all worked up about Twilight…the other day alone I was flipping through the channels and there were no less than five channels with shows featuring at least one of the actors. it’s kind of insane. I read all four books, i’ll admit it. And I’ve seen the movies, too. My husband and I sort of go and sit in the back of the theater and giggle like little girls at all the vampire drag queens. And at the girls in the theater that sigh and whine and cry and squeal during the whole thing. But never, in all the time I’ve known of the existence of this thing, had I seen something like this. It’s both funny and a little sad. I’m sorry twilight ruined your life. And I’m sorry that I can’t say that without cracking up.

  460. Linkfan, 3 years ago Reply

    I only watched the movies in curiosity, and as a woman, I find Bella to be the most deceptive woman in existence. She plays both guys, only feels sorry for herself and basically wants people to worry about her. It’s sick and twisted, nothing close to a ‘romance’ novel.

    Now, I absolutely love anime, however I know the difference between real and fiction. I’ve had moments I’d prefer to be in this artificial world, but I would never let this affect the people around me.

    Good luck with that wife of yours, it’s such a shitty book to begin with.

  461. twilighth8er, 3 years ago Reply

    take the writerbitch to court!

  462. TWILIGHTLVR, 3 years ago Reply

    Ok, i havent read the book…but if that guy is a vampire isnt he like hundreds of years old or something? Why is he hanging around some high school girl, doesnt that make him a pedo?

    Second, you’re wifes a bitch. You should have been fucking some other chick on the side. You’re a dipshit for staying with someone who gets all compulsive over a fucking book.

    I hate you both and your title is misleading. You never almost died you piece of shit,

  463. Sarah P., 3 years ago Reply

    I’d divorce her. What a nut-job.

  464. Mal, 3 years ago Reply

    This must be a joke, no one could be this stupid. Him or her.

  465. Pink Sneakers Productions, 3 years ago Reply

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  466. kdub, 3 years ago Reply

    This is a joke, right?

  467. Jojo, 3 years ago Reply

    Thank God! I thought this was going to turn out to be some little pathetic boi whining about how he couldn’t get laid. But he did it right… Just hold out until the end of the bullshit. I would have been tempted to NOT tell her just in case the sex was even better.

    It was a nice twist giving her the spoiler, tho. Hehehe Wake up!! At least she started putting out again.

  468. the eLf :P, 3 years ago Reply

    cant imagine what she wouldve done if she had read lord of the rings……….
    “NO SEX UNTIL FRODO COMES BACK!!!!!!”
    LOL..!!!!!!
    man u have a lot of patience….

  469. Lila, 3 years ago Reply

    Whoa, crazy lady.
    Twilight fans tend to get scarily obsessive. My sister didn’t talk to me for a month (AT CHRISTMAS), because I told her Bella has a baby.

  470. Really?, 3 years ago Reply

    Really?
    A lot of comments talk about how this is funny, but really?
    Don’t have kids with this girl, we do not need this kind of irrational disillusionment to leak into our gene pool.

  471. bethany, 3 years ago Reply

    wow your wife is effing crazy. if she put you through all that for a stupid stephanie meyer novel, you should probably reevaluate the love she has for you and dump that psycho bitch. the whole blood thing is way too creepy too, a transfusion?? really??? What wifey really needs is a visit to a mental psychiatrist.

  472. ratwings, 3 years ago Reply

    Sounds like your wife is a fucking nut, and twilight, as shitty and abhorrent as it is has nothing to do with it. Good luck pal, we all make bad decisions.

  473. Dani, 3 years ago Reply

    I don’t understand any female over the age of 16 being obsessed with these books….. Why the f**k would a grown women behave like that? Your wife is seriously deranged and needs to be institutionalized.

  474. mark, 3 years ago Reply

    poor bastard.

  475. A Friend, 3 years ago Reply

    Dear OP,

    I found this while stumbling. Sorry for the tragedy that those forsaken books have caused you. You have opened my eyes to more thoughts about my own relationship than you know. Of course, me being the optimist that I am, will look at the “bright side” of your predicament. You got really fucking good at CoD.

    Sincerely,

    A Friend

  476. stacer, 3 years ago Reply

    All I can say is;
    - COD 4 FTW!!!

    ….haha!!

  477. >Twilight Almost Cost Me My Wife (and my life) | It Thing! | Blake’s Blog, 3 years ago Reply

    [...] might have something to do with why the Twilight saga almost cost me my marriage . . . and my life. Read all about it after the [...]

  478. Guy, 3 years ago Reply

    I wonder what would happen to this guy if his wife found this…

  479. Saad, 3 years ago Reply

    I am sorry OP, but your wife is a stupid and pathetic cunt that should be ditched (if she hasn’t been ditched already). This is one of the most despicable stories that I have ever read in my entire life. As for the rest of you cunts who are thrilled about this story? Fuck you fucktards, you guys should be ashamed of yourselves and should be put out of your misery. The fantasy that is ‘Twilight’ is nothing but cookie cutter crap that is for the lowest
    common denominator, get it through your fucking heads Twilight fans. I bet that you Twilight fans would eat Edward Cullen’s feces for free of charge.

  480. Female and apalled, 3 years ago Reply

    This is not funny. This woman clearly has emotional and mental issued that she should seek professional health for. I work with issues of domestic and sexual violence daily and deliberately using sex as a weapon against your significant other is borderline emotionally abusive. Of course it is always any person’s prerogative to with hold sex and perhaps if she had suffered some trauma or was feeling disatisfaction in the relationship and with held for these reasons it would be emplicable. But deliberately tormenting someone she claims to love is malicious.
    Furthermore, I find it apalling how many women condone Twilight. It is an aggregious assault on the gender and works hard to undo years of anti-sexual violence work. For the record I HAVE read the first two books (a painful struggle as aside from the questionable content Meyers writing is cliche unimagintive and painfully unsophisticated) and the way that it promotes ideas of male domination and glorifies the conflation of sexuality with violence and presumes to market these themes to our little sisters, the teen and tween girls of the present is downright deplorable. It is quite evident that Meyers has all sons because if she had even one daughter she would realise that Bella, a girl with absolutely no self esteem who measures her entire worth in the amount of attention she receives from the boys at her highschool or the males in the circle of supernatural beings with whome she associates, is essentially the worst role model any loving parent could dream up for their teenage daughter. I can’t even begin to comment on how pathetic the droves of adult women who flock to this book are. From what I can gather (from the people I know that like book and television) the are all unfulfilled housewives (as opposed to fulfilled ones, because they exist too) who seek to escape their mundane lives.
    Your wife is a working woman and doesn’t fit the above. I cannot even begin to fathom the teenage traumas she might have experience that lead her become so obsessed with a book that so openly insults her womanhood (and equally insults men and masculinity by unanimously portraying them as predatory, even at their best………oh thank you love of my life edward for not killing me). I am frankly disappointed that you did not insist that your wife seek therapy.
    I am married. If my husband insisted to withhold sex without legitimate explanation I would be extremely concerned. And would seek counselling for him. I cannot fathom that her witholding sex is simply about this. Either she has deeper discontents, or she is simply irrational. Ofcourse if it is the latter, its up to you to decide how much of that craziness you can stand. At any rate, from that way you describe her, your wife sounds PATHETIC.

  481. gabriel, 3 years ago Reply

    i love twilight if robert _edward would walk into my door i would fant

  482. Georgie, 3 years ago Reply

    I like Twilight. It’s fun and I love the romance, it’s good for lounging around getting lost in a book for a while. YOU DONT HAVE TO BE SO EXTREME!!! Its not healthy to love/ hate something that much! Its only a book. The only pathetic thing here is how much energy people put into hating something.

  483. Alejandro Deshpande, 3 years ago Reply

    Usually I do not submit on posts, but I would enjoy to say that this site genuinely forced me to get it done! Many thanks, quite great publish.

  484. Terrance, 3 years ago Reply

    if my wife try a chastity thing on me i’d be like u crazy. i wouldve left when the glass thing happened. she crazy… calling out edwards name. wouldve had me heated!

  485. Jennifer, 3 years ago Reply

    When your wife got mad because you “spoiled” part of the last book, that was stupid. I say stipid because in the third book, they become engaged, so it was already clear that they were getting married. So you didn’t really spoil anything. Also, I’ve read the books, yes im embarrsed but i like them, your wife needs help. Unless she’s 14, and then you need help for having a 14 year old wife; but I’m assuming that its not the latter.

  486. eri, 3 years ago Reply

    yeesh. you know what the solution to this mess would have been? DIVORCE. woman be CRAZY.

  487. Natasha, 3 years ago Reply

    Good job on your call of duty achievements!
    But for real. This woman sounds off her rocker.

  488. What, 3 years ago Reply

    Didn’t read any of this. Shit sucks

  489. Demons, Monsters, and Ghosts, Oh No! Part XII: Hellsing vs. Twilight « While We're Paused, 3 years ago Reply

    [...] some of the young women I hear it from are actually quite intelligent.  I want to start off with a link to a post I found concerning twilight.  Warning: this post is both hilarious and disheartening, [...]

  490. sarah, 2 years ago Reply

    Leave that bitch, what is WRONG with you. jesus.

  491. Mila, 2 years ago Reply

    Since a coworker loaned me this book a year ago (please don’t judge her harshly as she is under thirty), I panicked. Not knowing what to do I turned to my 17 year old son (literary critic by nature). You see, in his first and I fear last attempt to understand females he read the book in eighth grade. Apparently, he was appalled nearly to the point of joining the priesthood. I begged him to find some sort of Cliff Notes to help me avoid what he calls “the worst assault on the English language in history”. Thankfully, after a year of searching, he found your story.
    Monday morning I shall return the book regretfully saying “I suspect this book, no, work of art, is so powerful, it would be cruel to force my husband to traverse the journey with me.”
    Gratefully Yours,
    Mila

  492. “Daybreakers” (2009) – A Netflix Suggestion | Not Your Father's Water Cooler, 2 years ago Reply

    [...] vampire flicks, even as an avid Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan. I never read or watched any of the Twilight things, so when the craze was at its peak (or is it still happening? I seem to avoid people who [...]

  493. zelda fitzgerald, 2 years ago Reply

    then what happened?

  494. stu, 2 years ago Reply

    man, it seems like your wife is fucked in the head… to allow a fictional book written for insecure teenage girls to totally change the chemistry of your marriage and then accuse you of not respecting her identity for questioning her total personality change (and fixation on blood, wtf) is something i dont understand. You seem like a nice guy and a good husband, and if this story is true i seriously advise you get a divorce… whats gonna happen when you guys start getting older, you both become less and less mentally functional, and then any form of media can fuck with your wife’s head and make her suddenly change her most basic behaviors. i dont know how marriage works with someone of that level of emotional and psychological instability… i feel for u. good luck with ur shit

  495. jake, 2 years ago Reply

    hey chuck. can i call you that? chuck? too bad. you are a crazy man. look. i agree with respecting a womans vows and all but what she did to you was just silly bro. you need to get your head in the right place and think about how important you are to her. or twilight is to her.

  496. NuBy, 2 years ago Reply

    REALLY???? THIS IS FUCKING STUPID LEAVE THE BITCH AND QUIT BEING A BITCH!!! AND JUGGALOS ARE THE CULT? WHATEVER

  497. vanquishv2, 2 years ago Reply

    I don’t think you should blame all of it to Twilight. It’s only a book and sci-fi/fantasy story. Your wife decided that to blocked herself to you and to real life, not the book! There were never in the book said you exclude yourself nor your mind outside reality. It was only there for entertainment. I know the feeling of being obsessed with it but it also a great deal of differentiating obsession and being a fan of the book. In obvious reasons your wife was already obsessed with it and worse, it already interfering your daily life as well as your relationship to others, especially to you. Good thing your wife took out the broken glasses and fetish of it, it is a compulsion. Others were suggesting divorcing your wife, that’s insane! over Twilight? And I thought you were husband and wife. Why don’t you read the book, just a chapter and if you don’t like it the stop. You might actually surprise yourself what Twilight can really do to you and your wife. Just a shot, try! For the marriage you were saving.

  498. js, 2 years ago Reply

    entertaining read. i think i would have excused myself from the family home and gone out all night every night and told the wife i was exploring my own vampire self. on the plus side – next xmas you can buy her the kama sutra and see what happens :-)

  499. Lt, 2 years ago Reply

    You should have known better than to spoil the story for her. What the hell is wrong with you? She’s a nut case and you’re an idiot. Disastrous match. But, good job on the article. I enjoyed it.

  500. Dennis Teel, 2 years ago Reply

    your wife has psychological problems./none of that was normal./why in the world wouldn’t you recognize the fact that she has mental problems? she’s in dire need of therapy./a normal person wouldn’t react the way she did to a book,a movie any kind of media format./get her help/.she needs therapy.

  501. Ashley Griffin, 2 years ago Reply

    You need a new wife.

  502. Very Concerned, 2 years ago Reply

    Please divorce your little sister for the sake of humanity. That was a horrifying story. I am deeply sorry for being offensive but that woman is not ready to be in a relationship as serious as marriage. Maybe she should start with a relationship along the lines of eating a small bag of chips and try to build from there. Seriously, I hope you made that up.

  503. Very Concerned, 2 years ago Reply

    However, I would definitely do some disgusting things with Emma Watson. Please get your wife some therapy.

  504. rage, 2 years ago Reply

    would have been a lot funner in a F7U12 comic

  505. Mike P., 2 years ago Reply

    Bro. Take the stupid books ( All 4 of them ). Stick them up you’re wife’s ass and kick her out the door.

    FUCK! THAT! I would never have the patience to go through what i just read. NEVER.
    I feel so bad for you man.

  506. Mike P., 2 years ago Reply

    And another thing. If my WIFE screams out someone elses name during sex,
    i’d punch her in the mouth right then and there.

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  510. Jen, 2 years ago Reply

    ok…i myself am twilight fan but this is just stupid. this woman needs to understand that it is a fantasy/romance series. Not a self help or life changing novel.

  511. Sussu, 2 years ago Reply

    Your article is really well written, but, come on, is sex all you think about?
    Maybe she felt something lacking in the relationship, don’t you think?

  512. NAN, 2 years ago Reply

    Well that only sounded slightly fabricated.

  513. Zenoa, 2 years ago Reply

    Firstly I can say that while I don’t love Twilight, I don’t completely hate it either. My mother bought the books for me to read because she LOOOVED them and wanted to talk about them with me, not all that great but not the absolute WORST thing, but that’s just my opinion. Second, although I could possibly believe that your wife would abstain from sex for some horribly psychotic reason, I don’t really believe she would freak out about the spoiler alert. Just because by the end of Eclipse, Bella and Edward have already decided to get married, so why would she be so incredibly shocked by something that was already going to happen in the first place?

  514. Yali, 2 years ago Reply

    I admire you for your courage. Your wife sounds like she needs help (I wouldn’t have put up with someone like that) and you are a wonderful person and husband to have borne her behaviour and stood by her.

  515. Dat Failcakes, 2 years ago Reply

    OMG. You know how familiar this sounds to me? You see, I had a girlfriend, and she beame obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh and some fictional Character called Bakura. And that even though she was 17, going to be 18. We had a very great relationship, untill a friend of her’s introduced her to Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged. And that was the end of it. She became obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh and especially Bakura. But not only that, she became obsessed with a gay fan couple from that show also (Thiefshipping). After that, my happy relationship was over. All she did the entire day, was reading fanfictions of how the two make out. When I tried to have make-out session with her she would utterly refuse and start talking about those two. One time she even told me she had dreamed of her being one of them making out with the other. I was so mad about it but she didn’t understand it. At first i really tried to respect her fandom. But it was just not right anymore! She started to try to act like that one character also, using lots of curses, british words, being an asshole in general. (Bakura is a complete dick in abridged, and a villian in the actual series) I was like “DUDE, Thats not the girl I fell in love with” … It ended up with me arguing with her about how I didn’t like the way she changed, neither did I like the obsession she had. We spent alot of our time arguing like that, so that in the end we had some serious relationship problems. Now, like 3 months ago, we broke up with each other. I’m still not sure if I’m glad about it, or not. I really loved that girl, but she replaced me with some silly childish obsession. Life sucks.

  516. The Joker, 2 years ago Reply

    Funny story. To me, Twilight is like World of Warcraft: Total piece of crap, yet, some people are obssessed by it. The author of this article must love his wife very much, I know that I wouldn’t cope with the chastity thing (I admit my hatred of religion has something to do with it). But the auto-mutilation thing just shows that she was obssessed.

    I’ll never understand why people are obssessed with that crappy mockery of litterature, Stephanie Meyers is probably a forever alone-kinda woman who just wrote a story about how she’d like to have a romance with a faggy sparkling vampire-wannabe, Bella is nothing more than a Mary Sue character, a character that represents what the author wants to be and that is created for the sole purpose of getting the readers’ sympathy. Being a seemingly plain girl and still managing to have 4 guys having the hots for her is just another example.

    Funny article, I do hope your wife will get over that Twilight craze, who knows what her next Twilight sexual fantasy might be (like driking your blood or doing some Twilight cosplay) …

  517. Anon, 2 years ago Reply

    How old is your wife? Seriously, she has some major intelligence issues is she has opinions and actions like those you described above. And she’s easily influences by fiction? Drinking blood and having no sex with your husband because your favourite character is a teenage vampire who abstains? Your wife is not fit to be a wife. No woman treats her husband like that unless she’s trying to scare him into leaving or some other stuid idea. Did she WANT you to cheat on her? If I did my husband that without a valid reason (and for longer than a week), I – myself – would expect him to have cheated on me after all those months of senseless abstinence. I’d think he was queer if he didn’t. (No offense to queer theory). Seriously, dude, your wife needs a new brain – or an actual one in the first place.

    From: Fellow Potter Fan.
    PS – Just cause Hermione was my fav character once upon a time, I (and billions of other girls) didn’t stick my head in research books for the rest of my life.

  518. Annon, 2 years ago Reply

    Do yourself a favor and get rid of that phsyco! Any girl that reads this and thinks…. awww how sweet, it an effing retard! This is just sick! Im sorry that one of the worst movies in history destroyed your marriage!

  519. NotonTeamEd/Jake, 2 years ago Reply

    Note the name. I can only say, if this is real, your wife needs to find a psychologist. NOW. But if this is fiction, well-written! I dislike Twilight, too. I’ve never really liked vampires, and the only reason I’m even tempted to see the movies is for the werewolves. But even then, I’m not a fan for those wolves either. . .

  520. katharine hannah, 2 years ago Reply

    wow seriously she didnt put Out till bella got sum LOL ALL I GOT TO SAY IS IF I DID THAT MY MAN WOULD NOT BE A HAPPY CAMPER id proboerly be single again scary thought yes i love twilight but id never ever let it affect our relationship

  521. Dave Brown, 2 years ago Reply

    DUDE!!! This would have been the PERFECT opportunity to get on your computers word processor and write out the HOTTEST and NASTIEST sex scene, and just cleverly (and seamlessly, INSERT it into her book!! Then, be nearby while shes reading it and reap the rewards, son!!!

    /death to twilight…

  522. kate, 2 years ago Reply

    Hi there,

    I work for a production company from Toronto, ON and we’re pitching a documentary about romance novels creating unrealistic expectations in real relationships, I’d love to talk to you about yours and how you might fit into this show. Can you please contact me at kate@sharkteethfilms.com?

    Thanks, kate

  523. CVR12, 2 years ago Reply

    Quite an elaborate ruse. Well done, 9/10 troll story. I believed it for a bit there, but then read through properly and realized that no actual man would ever deal with this kind of nonsense.

  524. Mark, 2 years ago Reply

    Wow…. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever read. You’re a fuc*ing retard. Quit Trolling. Don’t you have better things to do with your life. Idiot.

  525. Nate, 2 years ago Reply

    Funny how the comments from a year ago don’t even utter the word troll and the ones from the past few months scream it. Honestly if your a troll that was a rly good way to capture our minds and have us read your well thought-out article. If not troll and a real dude that experienced this, your wife does indeed need a psych eval and you need to find out just how much of a projector she is. Your whole marriage could be a dream to her. Inception……

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  527. annabanana, 2 years ago Reply

    My 33 year old coworker sounds like your wife. She was married but told her husband the same thing. And since didn’t cooperate, she was on the lookout for a replacement who was “just like edward” I thought i’d stepped into an episode of some TV show that punks people. She was serious.

  528. Dave, 2 years ago Reply

    Nobody else thinks this whole story is fake?I mean its too perfect.Blood sucking and all…….and Hermione lol.Not saying it can’t happen but i would say its too perfect to be real story.

  529. SS, 2 years ago Reply

    Seriously? Are the publishers of Twilight paying you for writing this crap or… I don’t know dude….you are seriously wasting your time…

  530. Cheap Flights to Amritsar, 2 years ago Reply

    Twilight is a series of four vampire-themed fantasy romance novels by American author Stephenie Meyer. It charts a period in the life of Isabella “Bella” Swan, a teenage girl who moves to Forks, Washington, and falls in love with a 104-year-old vampire named Edward Cullen.

  531. AmusedAsHell, 2 years ago Reply

    The best part of this story are the fucking comments.

    There should be a sign attached to a wood chipper in every city that says “Edward commands you to jump in”.

    Problem solved.

    Who the fuck gets obsessed with this shit? You might as well read ‘The Adventures of Dick and Jane’ and get a raging hard-on. Or dress up like The Cat in the Hat and want to start fucking striped puppets.

    Go watch some porn and weep into your soiled Kleenex. Your marriage = Fail

  532. Fortuna Veritas, 2 years ago Reply

    I’m pretty sure that very first thing is exactly why marriage counseling was invented.

    That last thing? That’s why insanity pleas were invented.

  533. Dan, 2 years ago Reply

    This is one of the funniest things I have encountered on the internet in quite a while, thanks for a hilarious story!

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  535. Marvin, 2 years ago Reply

    Any woman over 18 who likes Twilight *that* much needs their head examined.

  536. x, 2 years ago Reply

    This did not happen in real life.

  537. Zoidberg, 2 years ago Reply

    Well, that’s what you get for sticking your dick in crazy, my friend.

  538. Lara, 2 years ago Reply

    Joke right? Please say that it was all a joke?

    I’m more than disturbed. Yeah some parts were funny…but the rest was…stitches??? You must really love your wife.

  539. Robert, 2 years ago Reply

    This is really tragic. The Twilight books are known for using the idea of Edward Cullen to corrupt relationships. Oh, if only you didn’t get your wife that horrid, horrid book.

  540. IndestructibleLioness, 2 years ago Reply

    Dude you have my deepest sympathies. And this is coming from a teenager(haven’t had sex but I sure as hell make that choice before that Twilight bull) in this day and age. I like Werewolves but I like REAL Werewolves like American Werewolf in London, The Wolfman, Cursed, The Howling, Bad Moon just pure d Lycanthropes! Not those pathetic transforming puppies who can poof into a Wolf! Besides Edward Cullen is like a glorified abusive boyfriend and Jacob Black is a glorified pedophile and a insult to Native Americans(I’m African American, Native American and Irsh)! I can’tbarely go on a website and say “I like Werewolves” without some Twatlight cunt saying “Eeeewwww! You like Jacob ewww!” Just because I saw I like Werewolves does not mean I like Jacob! Twilights ruins your brain cells. Twilight has ruined so much stuff it’s no longer funny. You must really love your wife to put up with this though. Especially the blood drinking part. If you want to cool off continue play Call of Dtuy. Or my I suggest getting a nice Stephen King novel or read 101 Ways To Kill Edward Cullen. If the 101 Ways caught you interest go to fanfiction and type in that title. Also you should read the follow up 101 Ways To Kill Edward Cullen. Number 10 on chapter 2 was my idea. Hope your life returns to normal.

    P.S.

    Tell your wife to read Dracula or Hellsing.

  541. twilight fan, 2 years ago Reply

    your just complaining because your wife won’t have sex with you and you never tell a twilight fan what’s going to happen in the next book dumb shit and you should have lost your wife because your you don’t deserve her in the sliest.

  542. New Moon Suppository « The Holy Shrine, 2 years ago Reply

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  543. Anony, 1 year ago Reply

    Wow. You’re an idiot. I understand she went a little overboard, but just because you had a bad experience, doesn’t mean you should blame the fucking book. You should have done the one thing that mattered when you NOTICED something was up, /and taken her to a freaking hospital you moron/. Peoples problems do not get resolved by IGNORING them. You pined for sex, that’s your fault. You let her be. That’s your fault. You should have taken her to therapy and DISCUSSED it with her instead of silently seething in your ‘WOE IS ME I’M NOT GETTING ANY’ bullshit. The book is a book. Just like any other book. I’m not a harry potter fan myself, not as much as the rest of my family, but there are PLENTY of people out there who would so call ‘blame them’ for their children going wayward and turning wiccan or completely doing all sorts of stuff they don’t particularly agree with. If you do not want your loved ones exploring something, do NOT give it to them, and blame yourself when they do. You did wrong by not getting her help to pull her out of this fantasy. It’s not the books fault. It’s yours. I hate people who sit there and bitch about the author or the Twilight books for something they have ZERO control over. That’s like asking J.K. Rowling “YOU TURNED MY CHILD WICCAN. HOW DARE YOU WRITE ANOTHER BOOK.”, well it’s her book, people love them, people hate them, it’s still her book and she’s still going to write more. It’s the same with Stephanie Meyer. It’s her book, her series, she loves it, she’s going to write it, how dare you say anything otherwise. The book is an INANIMATE OBJECT. It has no feelings. It can’t force anyone to do anything. You’re just all up in arms for the sole fact you didn’t get fucking sex from someone. And I hope you never do.

  544. Srsly, 1 year ago Reply

    While yes, your wife kinda went hurpdy-durp over the edge with the glass and blood (I don’t remember anything about glass being thrown into the fireplace in the books, but it’s been a few years), the fact that you were looking for a little poke-and-tickle and hate the book because you didn’t get any sounds kinda sleazy.
    I’m going to be honest; I’m sick of seeing people seethe and hiss about the books. I’ve read them. I don’t AH MAH GERD love them, nor do I YOU PIECE OF SHIT hate them. I’m in the so called middle ground you claim doesn’t exist. I read them because my best friend really liked them, and I wanted to see what the hype was about. I found them to be rather silly, but it had its charm now and then.
    Instead of blaming the book, blame your wife getting so into them she’s built herself a fantasy. Talk about the issue and have it resolved, or get your wife help instead of glaring at a lump of paper and glue binding.
    It always amuses me to see people pissing and moaning about the books /while never having read them/. You can base how stupid or ridiculous the book is after you’ve actually taken the time to read them. This goes for any other series/books/show/whatever. I can understand the fact your wife went off the deep end, but the fact you kept bringing it up that you weren’t getting any just sounds like a childish grunt of dissatisfaction over something you could have easily mended by sitting her down and talking to her over a lengthy amount of time with a bit of effort.
    Frankly? The books are only as horrible as the people’s reaction to them. They can’t do anything to you physically, if you’re going coco for cocopuffs over them, you have a problem. Instead of whining about it, (I hope your wife sees it and has another vow of chastity, or invests in a nice metal pair of undies) maybe try to stop thinking with your crotch and deal with the problem.
    Always nice to see a husband grumbling about dumping his wife because of a book, and I’m tired of seeing articles like this that could have been solved with a little heart-to-heart. Stop blaming the book and start blaming the people who read them, and give them a nice whack over the head to snare them back to reality.

  545. video Sexe gratuite, 1 year ago Reply

    Film sex scenes

  546. Brandon, 1 year ago Reply

    You’re probably more stupid then your girlfriend. Fucking leaving that phyco.

  547. Scott, 1 year ago Reply

    This story… I mean, all the problems entailed. It really has nothing to do with Twilight. You just have an insane wife. I don’t really care one way or the other about the books, but if your wife is doing all of this shit, it’s clearly a mental problem, not her interest in a book series with… the writing of your average Wal-Mart 5$ book, and the publicity of the first moon landing.

    Get a new wife, don’t blame Twilight.
    Even if it does suck.

  548. puckersbutter, 1 year ago Reply

    DIE TWILIGHT! DIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  549. 'Twilight' Romance Affects Fans' Real Lives | TIME.com, 1 year ago Reply

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  550. Does Twilight Really Ruin Real-Life Romance? | RSS Direct, 1 year ago Reply

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